Title: "Invalid Item" 

Chapter: "Invalid Entry" 

Author: very thankful

Plot: Dylan struggles to learn the ways of the unseelie court, and ponders on the question if he’d met Queen Mabon before. The pacing was good, if a bit redundant to chapter 2. Hook was good.

Style/ Voice: Third Person limited, active voice.

Referencing: You touched back on some of the creatures of the seelie court and I found no inconsistencies.

Scene/Setting: Nice setting portrayed here, it wasn’t wordy and left enough for the imagination to fill in the blanks.

Characters: Your characters grow ever more likeable in their own ways. They are certainly unique and believable.

Grammar: No grammatical issues that I could see. There were some typos, and a tense change in the first part of this which I mentioned in the line by lines.

Just my Personal Opinion: It was overall a good read. It seemed strange to me that the chain of events seemed the same as the previous chapter, but I’m sure there’s reasons for this.

Line By Line:

The black fog floated into the room. Dylan squints to see what is in it. Smells like shit. A chill comes over him as it comes closer to the ebony chair with the cracked rubies sprinkled from top to bottom. As the mist disappeared, Dylan eyed a raven-haired woman with pale skin.

I like the wording here, but it seems strange that the tense would change from one half of this chapter to the next. I’ve underlined the words in question. I could very well be incorrect with this observation, but I feel that it’s a rather abrupt change and reads strange.

His eyes locked on her coy smile and voluptuous figure. "Have we met before?"

The Queen sat on her throne, crossing her legs and flipping her hair with a flick of her finger. "Why would you think that?" She mesmerized him with her seductive eyes.

Dylan pointed at her. "So you're the big-to-do. Just look like some woman to me." His heart began to beat a little faster.

She stiffened up and shot him a cold look with her left purple eye and right black eye. "I am Queen Mabon. You'll show respect to me!"

"Damn, so sorry, Your Highness." He raised a brow and shook his head. "You're hotter than a two dollar whore and a stolen pistol."

Ballsy thing to say to a queen.

She pounded her fists and leaned forward. "How dare you compare me to something lower than a commoner! I know all about you, Dylan Walsh, you awful outlaw, and your twin's in the Faerie Realm too. I believe you came here through a faerie ring. My mother usually plants them from time to time to bring joy to sad children in the Earth Realm." She folded her arms. "Now, she wants the prophecy to become true more than ever. She's so foolish."

Interesting development here. I like that you’re touching on a bit of lineage here.

Her sequined dress shimmered in the candlelight, and scarlet reflections danced each time she shifted position. His Adam's apple stuck halfway down when his eyes landed on the most beautiful pair of breasts he had ever seen. She crossed her legs, revealing her slender legs all the way up to her hips.

The repetition of legs seems a little awkward. I’d suggest a different word such as ‘stems’ or something to that nature.

A gust of wind blew in the room causing spider webs to flap and candle lights to wave in the chandelier.

"Who's your ma, and why don't you like her?"

"My mother's Queen Morganna, queen of the Seelie Court and the Faerie Realm. It's a long story why I despise her. I want you to go to the Unseelie Saloon and meet my subjects. Soko will take you there."

"I still think we've met somewhere before. What's this prophecy about anyway?"

"You'll find out everything very soon." She stood and shouted. "Gobo, come here!"

Gobo opened the door and shuffled into the room. "Yes, my Queen."

"Take Dylan outside and tell Soko to take him to the saloon."

Gobo motioned for Dylan to follow him. "Certainly, come with me."

I hope the extreme similarities in plot development between characters has a good reason behind it. I feel like I’ve already read this in your previous chapters. I’m not saying that this is incorrect, as I’m sure you have your reasons. This is simply my own observations of this matter.

Gobo and Dylan strolled out of the room and ambled down the marble hallway. Dylan glanced at the other heads on the wall.

The first couple of heads screamed, "Help me!"

Some of the heads had eyes missing and dried blood on them.

Other heads bellowed, "I need my eyes!"

I've seen my share of killin' but not like this. Reckon what the saloon will be like? Wish I had some money with me because I'd love to get drunk and have a woman with me tonight. They reached the door. Gobo spat on it three times, and it opened.

I like the scene you’ve written here. Very unique.

"Soko, Soko, Soko!" shouted Gobo as they walked outside.

The ugly mule appeared in a black gust of wind.

Gobo shuffled from side to side. "Take Mr. Walsh to the saloon."

Dylan climbed on Soko, and he bucked. Why's this varmint buckin' and jumpin' so much? He had to grip hard with his legs to keep from falling. When they arrived at the saloon, Soko threw him to the ground. Dylan fell face first into a mud puddle.

"Why do you take someone on such a rough ride and throw them off when you get to where you're goin'?" He grabbed a fist full of dirt.

"I don't like being ridden by humans." Soko threw his head back as he laughed.

He vanished as Dylan flung the dirt at him.

Dylan slammed his fist on the ground and stood up. "Damn him! If I'd had a rope I'd hang him! Hang him from the highest tree!"

Those that don’t learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat it. This feels a little lighter than some of the reading I’ve done, I like this quite a bit.

He strolled up to the saloon and canvassed the black building with hunter-green window panes. A sign hung crooked on the door. In scarlet letters it read, "Members of the Seelie Court not allowed". He suppressed a smirk and strode into the saloon. Dull gray paint peeled off the walls, and the dizzy array of burgundy outlines made his head spin. Half of the tables wobbled on legs that threatened to fall off. The blood red tablecloths did little to enhance their charm. On the left, a short creature with wrinkled skin stood behind the bar. He poured a drink with his tanned hand and slammed the empty one down. The being wore a shirt that said, "destroy the Seelie Court" in red letters. Hope there's a drink here I can stand to taste.

Nice imagery.

"What'll it be, Mr. Walsh?"

Dylan leaned on the bar. "A beer."

The creature peered at Dylan with his red eyes. "Don't have that. It's an Earth Realm drink. Try unicorn blood."

Should I drink that? Could be poisonous. Reckon not since I'm so important to 'em.

"Hell, why not." He watched the being as he poured his drink.

This man reminds me of my bald headed uncle in Oklahoma. He was tough and could rob a place with his eyes closed. Could fix a mean drink too. The creature grabbed a white bottle that had the number seven written in purple on it. He poured the thick white liquid in a black glass and handed it to Dylan.

Interesting

"What's your name? What in tarnation are you?"

"Tombo, an elf."

Dylan took a gulp from the glass. Burns all the way to my stomach like moonshine! "This is thick and strong tastin'. What's a unicorn?"

"Riding faeries from the Seelie Court. Purely good, so good they never even had one bad thought. So virtuous they make me sick."

I like the dialogue being shared between these two here.

A group of women walked in using the door past the bar.

"Who are those broads?"

"Sirens, the sexiest faeries around."

"What's a siren?"

"Pleasure faeries and experts at luring any kind of male. Go talk to the head siren, Avia. You'll like her. She's good, if ya know what I mean." He winked and pointed to the woman sitting at the table at the end of the room.

Maybe it’s the man in me doing the reading here, but I’m finding this scene to be rather comical.

Dylan walked over to the woman. She wore a low cut black dress trimmed in red and purple lace. As he strolled over, she motioned him to sit down beside her.

Avia smiled and batted her long lashes. "Hi, cowboy. You must be Dylan Walsh. Would you like to have supper with me tonight?"

He put his elbow on the table. "What y'all eat around here?"

She smiled and placed her hands in her lap. "Pixie bites are good to start off with. Followed by brownie sandwiches and water nymph sticks."

I like that the two different courts eat one another.

He raised a brow. "What the hell are those?"

Avia gazed at him with her yellow eyes. "Pixies are these annoying little things that fly around and have squeaky voices. Brownies are brown ugly creatures who are sickeningly polite with a tolerance only for milk. Water nymphs live in the ocean except for when they shape shift into other beings. They all live in the Seelie Court."

Dylan stared at her black hair glistening under the light and her long slender legs. He heard heavy footsteps in the room and lifted his head. Old women traipsed to the tables wearing ragged orange dresses with black aprons.

One of the women walked up to their table. A woman with black eyes bulging from their sockets approached them. "Hello, Megone here to take your order," She shrieked and peered down at them.

Nice imagery here

Dylan grabbed his head. My head's killin' me all of a sudden.

"Don't scream so loud, you batty banshee. You could turn Dylan's brains into mush with your screeching. Queen Mabon would have your head for that!"

Megone leaned in between them and whispered. "Sorry. What can I get you?"

"Bring us some pixie bites to start off with and brownie sandwiches with water nymph sticks."

"Would you like vampire faerie blood with those pixie bites?"

"Yes."

Nice job on the banshee characterization

Megone ambled away from the table.

Dylan folded his arms. "Vampire faeries, what are they?"

"Nocturnal pleasure faeries who think they're so great and perfect. They're nothing but bloodsuckers, so what if they take care of abandoned children. They'll fool many males with their beauty, and the men will end up losing their blood."
Did this misfortune happen to Tyler? That’s an interesting point to question in the reading, glad you wrote this part.
Megone shuffled back out with their pixie bites and vampire faerie blood. Avia picked up a fried brown creature with wings on it. She dipped it in a thin light red blood sauce and bit the head off. Is she eatin' a fly? Dylan stared at her for a moment. Just can't eat that. Hunger, however, took over, and he picked one up, dipped it in the blood, and ate it.

"Not bad, these pixie bites taste like cheese, and this blood tastes like tomatoes."

When they finished, Megone ambled to the table with the rest of their food. The black brownie sandwiches had a white substance oozing out of them. The golden water nymph sticks had a crunchy texture. That food don't look right, but she's eatin' it. Dylan took a bite out of the sandwich and tried one of the sticks.

I imagine it wouldn’t look right at all.

"These are pretty good."

He glanced over to his right. A group of sirens sung in the background.

"What's goin' on over there?"

"The band's setting up."

Trolls with guitars, goblins with drums, elves with miniature harps, and banshees with violins and flutes played songs while sirens sang. The faeries danced in circles to the music. Avia stood,motioned for Dylan to dance with her, and They twirled around to a fast song. Can't understand a word they're singin', and I wish they would sing in English. Damn, my head's a killin' me!
"Don't think I'm feelin' so good."

Avia waved at the band. "Play another song!"

The band’s guitar players switched to a slow, mournful song.

"Humans can't listen to a complete faerie tune. You'll die if you do." She gestured him to follow her. "Let's go for a walk."

"Sure, it's too crowded here anyway."

Nice dialogue

They walked out of the saloon and ambled around to the back of it. A bright green moon pulsed in the velvet sky while distant pink stars twinkled in the background. He peered at Avia. Can't just stand here and look no more. Got to have me a little.

He gazed into her eyes and whispered, "Kiss me."

His lips touched hers. Dylan felt a burning sensation through his body and began to choke. He shoved her away.

"What are you doing to me?"

"I'm so sorry." She bit her bottom lip. "I thought it was only a tale I was told as a child to keep me from touching a human."

He gasped. his throat still burning. "What are you talking about?"

"They told me my lips were fatal to human men." She lowered her eyes.

That’s rude isn’t it?

He pushed her arm away. "Stay away from me!"

Dylan stared at the naked sorrow dripping from her eyes as she floated away.

It's time to get the hell out of here. "Soko, Soko, Soko!"

Soko appeared in a gust of wind.

"Why do you want to leave so soon?"

"Met a broad named Avia, and thought that bloodsucker was going to kill me" He point pointed at the saloon.
Soko kicked the ground. "What'd you expect from a siren? Where do you want to go?" He barred his teeth and swiped at Dylan's leg.

Dylan backed away. "To see Queen Mabon. I want to know what the heck is going on here and how to get home."

"It'll be a bumpy ride."

I like the dialogue here.

Dylan climbed on, and they rode away. Gray wind stung Dylan's face as Soko galloped at a fast pace. They arrived at the palace and without warning Dylan flew through the air. He landed on his bottom in a black mud puddle.

Dylan shook his finger. "Will you ever stop throwing me off?"

Soko stuck his nose up in the air. "Never! Humans reek with stench. I don't want you on my back."

Dylan stumbled, slinging mud everywhere. "Don't do me no favors!"

Soko galloped away before he laughed and disappeared. "Humans! I wish the Queen could stop the prophecy without you!"

Well, he might be evil, but I find myself having a fondness for Soko.

Dylan lurched up to the castle door. Torro guarded the entrance.

Torro marched up to him. "What are you doing back so soon?"

Dylan wiped mud off of his clothes. "Couldn't stand that Avia broad. She tried to kill me but swore she didn't mean to. Yeah right! I want to see the Queen."

Torro spat on the door twice, and it swung open. He motioned for Dylan to go in.

Gobo shuffled toward them in the hallway. "Good evening. Did you enjoy yourself at the saloon?"

"Would have been fine if I hadn't met that broad, Avia!"

"I guess that she tried to kiss you. She has always tried to deny what she really is."

"Don't care! Can I see Queen Mabon now?"

Gobo led Dylan down the hallway to the throne room. "Of course."

Nice bit of backstory with the siren.

As he followed Gobo, Dylan observed the long dark hallway. Every few feet torches adorned the area. Oh, those bloody heads again. Did these belong to any of those Seelie critters I keep hearin' about? When they arrived at the throne room, Gobo opened the door and stepped aside for Dylan to enter. Gobo shuffled down the hallway. As he sauntered into the room, Dylan gazed at Queen Mabon sitting on her throne. She wore a low cut black dress that was almost transparent and tight in all the right places. He stared at her from head to toe while lingering his gaze at her cleavage.

As any proper man would do in that situation

She had her hands on the arms of the chair. "Are you going to stare at me all night, or are you going to speak to me?"

"Didn't mean to," he mumbled.

"Of course, you did. You're a man," she said with a laugh. "I'm glad you came in early. I need to talk to you."

"You never gave me a straight answer to the question I asked you when we first met. Haven't we met before?"

She tapped her fingers. "Yes, we met ten years ago. You had left an Earth Realm saloon. You were drunk if I'm using the correct term and stumbling in the forest right before you were about to fall. I kept you from falling on your face, but being drunk didn't keep you from being in the mood. I thought that would be the perfect way to rebel against my parents. You had me that night out in the forest, and you were pretty good for a human."

Interesting

"I knew we had met before, so I was just a pawn to you."

"You did have a good time didn't you?"

Dylan strolled up to her. "I'd like to have it again."

She stood to meet him and waved her hand over his eyes. A tingling sensation took over his body for a moment.

"What did you do that for?"

She took him by the hand. "I gave you a magical gift, the ability to travel between courts. Trust me, this will prove useful. I don't want to talk about that now. Come with me to my royal chamber."

She led him down a long hallway. More heads were on the walls, but he didn't pay as much attention to them since he kept staring at her shapely behind. They stopped at the last door on the right side of the hallway. She opened the door and led him into the room.

Pictures of dead creatures draped the red wallpaper. A thick canopy embraced the burgundy bed. She waltzed over to the bed, and he followed her. Queen Mabon unbuttoned her dress and slid it off her body.

She smelled like jasmine as she turned around. His body tingled when she took his hat off and put it on. Lust took over as she pushed him down on the bed.

Very great way to end the chapter. This proved to be some good writing here.