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 Review #3742941 |
 | The Runner  [18+] A gilmpse into the future with a survivor from the 2012 dooms day.  |
| (2.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: The Runner Author: nathan Type: Short story  First Impression:The foundation of the story is exciting enough, as one might imagine when it pertains to the apocalypse and a world where humans have turned into beasts and feed upon each other to survive. So the idea and the basis of the tale is there. I think where you fall a little short is in the execution of the story, mainly in the grammatical aspect and general style of the story. For example, much of this story is written in several run-on sentences. I’ll go into that in more detail in a moment, but it detracts from the readability of the tale. As an apocalyptic tale, it has all the usual components: lawlessness, a return to primitive savagery and the near extinction of man. One advantage to this rendition is that you give the reader hope, show that there may be a future beyond the apocalypse.  Suggestions: Paragraph One:and as humanity has been crippled from what was thought only a myth there seems little chance of a civilized world anymore. There just seem to be a few words missing here to make it a well-rounded sentence. How about: and as humanity has been crippled from what was thought to be only a myth, my surroundings now bears little resemblance to a civilized world anymore. Humanity struggles on through this bleak existence all we can ever do is survive through these tough times If you read that sentence again, do you notice that there should be a break after “existence”? I would suggest a period. My name is Tyrone and I’m am one of few survivors in Europe You don’t need, “am” there as you've already said “I'm” (the contraction for “I am.”) I went from having everything I could ever possible want Just a typo I think, you need “possibly” instead of “possible.” And I’d maybe get rid of “ever,” to make the sentence tighter. as I deliver messages of hope to any and all survivors i may come across. Capitalize the “i” after “survivors.” Paragraph Two:Since January 2013 ... this job I have undertaken is more dangerous and frightening than I ever could ever have imagined. This entire paragraph is a run-on sentence. Nowhere is there a period or a semi-colon and it could use more than one. After a while the reader begins to lose his attention if there are no breaks. If you read it again, you’ll see where you need to add these breaks, generally periods. Paragraph Three:I have ventured all around Europe and I have seen many things I had never imagined ... which in turn split America to small remote islands. Again, the entire paragraph is a run-on sentence which gives it a tedious feel. You could probably get five sentences from this paragraph. Re-read this paragraph slowly and I think you’ll see where a full stop should go. For example, after the word, “”imagined.” The second would be after, “France.” Of course this will also require a little editing to make it work, but it’ll read a lot better. There is also a typo in this and the previous paragraph: “were” when I assume you meant, “where.” Paragraph Four:As me and my collages had rounded up all the people we could we came across something which to this day still hunts my very mind and this was how fast people will resort to cannibalism even though there was still signs of wild life. A couple of typos, “colleagues” and “haunts.” And it should probably be, “As my colleagues and I had...” Convention suggests that one should put the other person or people before oneself in a sentence. And you would use the personal pronoun “I” when it is the subject of a sentence and “me” when it is the object or following a preposition. You probably would want to expand on why people went to cannibalism though there was signs of wildlife. It seems you make the statement and then move on to other subjects when they reader will want to know why the narrator thinks this is, or at least that he doesn’t know why. a river of blood coming from corpuses that had their organs and limbs strips from them it was like looking at a lamb after being taken to the slaughter house I think you probably mean, “corpses” and “stripped.” And you definitely need a period after, “them.” The monsters of men who done this will forever... The rest of that paragraph is one long run-on sentence again. Amidst that sentence there is also a cliché, “black as night,” and in this part, “in side and able understand me” I think you mean, “inside,” and there seems to be a word missing, “able to understand me.” Paragraph Five:As the group started walking again Shiro said he heard a scream... on the beach head of Omaha France Again, almost all of paragraph five is a run-on sentence. It will help this story if you give it an edit and add punctuation where it is needed. It will make the story easier to read, and clearer for the reader. There are other issues in that paragraph like a cliché, “as fast as my legs could carry me,” typos like “presents,” when you mean “presence.” But they seem secondary to getting the punctuation squared away.  Final Thoughts:The lack of punctuation which leads to the run-on sentences is the main issues with this tale. If you work of that, you fix eighty percent of the problems here. If no one has told you that yet, they will, so it might be a good idea to just work on it before we all become too annoying, lol. The story itself could be a good one, but it’s hard to invest the time and consideration in a tale that runs on, and shows a lack of basic grammar. That isn’t a put down, just encouragement for you to tackle that issue. It’s just a matter of paying more attention when writing and editing. ** Image ID #1833397 Unavailable **
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