\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3596259
Review #3596259
Viewing a review of:
 The Lost Boy Open in new Window. [E]
Just a Poem
by Jay Author Icon
Review of The Lost Boy  Open in new Window.
Review by A Non-Existent User
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi Jay,
I found this poem very difficult to read, but I think you have some good points that you can work with.

Title: The title fits the piece; it tells your readers what they will be reading about.

Tone: The tone (or voice) of the poem, I found a little tense. It sounded like an adolescent trying to put on the voice of someone older. This technique may work for a piece such as this if it were done on purpose. This sounded more like you were forcing out a voice that isn't yours (using words like "evermore" and inverting sentences like "so resist I shall not...")

Content: Now here, I think you have some good things to say. I think the whole idea of the lost boy inside you screaming to get out is a good one. Yes, it's been done before, but it can be again. Nothing wrong with that. But you have to be able to bring something new to the theme. Also the use of your mind, the doors and keys as symbols is good, but you have sacrificed the meaning of your lines for the sake of the rhymes. For example:

For many doors occupy this space some old and some new
I know I have lost keys to many of them so i will have to make due

what is the space you are talking about? Why are some doors old and some new (this is a new idea introduced and not made clear)? "So I will have to make due" (should be do) doesn't seem to fit with this idea unless you're deciding you don't much care that you can't get through the doors. Anyway, that's just one example.

Musicality: I found that the long and short lines really threw the rhythm of this piece off. Perhaps, if you weren't trying to rhyme, you would have written more of what you really wanted to say. That's just a thought. Have you tried to write these ideas out in prose? I think it's worth a try.

Good luck.




*Vine2**Heart**Vine1* This review brought to you by "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. through "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. *Vine2**Heart**Vine1*
   *NoteR* You have not yet responded to this review. Ignore
Printed from https://webx1.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/3596259