Hi norswede, welcome to WdC.

I think you've begun a pretty good mystery story. The main character is being shown well. I'm not sure though, if she's going to be strong or going to be easily led. That's okay, it's part of the mystery.

The back story goes on a little long I think. It becomes cluttered with unimportant details and could lose the reader.

I like the detail surrounding Josh, I assume he is the secondary main character of the sub plot, and a lot of 'story' will be around him.

Or am I wrong and he is the Main Plot? It isn't clear to me.

You've written a good lead-in for him. His description is clear but if you could do it by less 'telling', and more 'showing', it would be more exciting. Like you did with his hair, that was closer to showing. Maybe not trying to get it all in there in one swoop? Let the readers see him naturally as other characters meet him and comment on his looks.

I found a few things to mention in this chapter that will apply throughout the book when you begin your rewriting.


She had worked

at a small diner for 6 years
and the diner

These two words were repeated often and close together. They became too noticable. As you read through you'll find you are able to cut most, (and find others) to have tighter sentences.

Write these sort of numbers out. six


homes together so Kaitlin and Joshua grew up to be extremely close. The only ones they could count on in the world were each other.
constantly remarked on how well adjusted she seemed considering all she had been through
dealt with his pain very differently. He lashed out at the world getting arrested more times

I wondered about this area. Were the foster homes all so tragic? Were there many? I'm curious to learn if this background is the basis for the main plot, I"m not sure yet. Remember, readers need to know what's going on pretty quick. You have time, but not much.


Kaitlin pulled herself out of bed and dragged herself to the bathroom of her small apartment where she showered and dressed for work.

This is clutter and doesn't do anything. Is she extra tired for some reason?Sick? then leave it, but cut 'her small apartment'. Readers will know where she is.

Many people had told her that she was pretty but she just knew that they were only saying that to be polite.

This is an example of clutter words that keep lines from reading quickly and smoothly, become boring to a reader. Read the lines without the red words and you'll see it says the same thing, but is tighter.

Oh, she has low self-esteem which will play a role in the plot. Dragging and pulling herself from bed to shower also shows it. Good lead-in.

Kaitlin quickly ate a piece of toast and rushed out to catch the bus. Luckily she didn’t live far from the diner. It was only a 10 minute bus ride.

This is an example of 'stuff that doesn't move the story along'. Readers won't care unless it directly impacts the plot. And it appears she's eating the toast while still in the bathroom. Readers can assume she went into the kitchen, but it isn't important. I suggest going through and cutting or modifying everything that doesn't move the story forward.


When she got to work,

This sounds awkward to me. What do you think? Maybe 'arrived at' if you want/need the line?


there as usual sitting in his usual corner booth was her rock, Joshua or Joshie as she affectionately called him. Every morning that she worked

Using the same words too close together. Perhaps 'as expected' would work for the first? The last five words in red don't seem necessary. They only add words.

The day dragged on as usual after Joshua left to go to work. He worked at a tattoo studio. His friend’s father owned it and offered him the job after seeing his artistic skills.


The first line here could be cut easily, and the rest--
I wonder if the fact he worked at the tat studio could be inserted at the place where his tats were shown, and these two lines cut? Unless the friend's father has a part in the plot and this is his introduction? It caused me to wonder why I needed to know that. (as a reader)

almost banging her head on the edge of the table in front of her. She heard a loud gasp and to her horror realized that the entire contents of the tray, spaghetti, meatballs, and all had landed in the lap of a man sitting at the table that she almost hit her head on.

Readers will know he is sitting at the same table. Watch out for the telling them what they already know syndrome. I see it throughout the chapter, so assume it continues throughout the book.

Rewriting and cleaning the clutter from the draft allows the real story to come out.



grabbed a cloth and began cleaning the mess off the floor then began cleaning it off the man’s lap.

She cleaned the floor first? Or was she just flustered?

I finished the chap. wondering which path was pointing to the story plot, there were a few U turns. What part the man will play, and why did she go off with him so readily. Who is the antagonist, Josh or the man? How important will the pain of childhood be to the plot or the conclusion? Will this tragic beginning be resolved by the end? These are questions that need to be answered and I know you know that. I'm only thinking out loud to remind.

The first chapter hasn't hooked me in because I don't know where it is going. But it could-and will have to- with the rewrites. Grab the reader quick and make him want to find out what happens next.

You're off to a good start.





esprit