The Regular Writing Rampage

"MY NAME IS LONGFELLOW McMASTER BEAN AND I AM AN ALIEN."

Wide-eyed, Mary nodded her head in agreement, knowing full well this had nothing to do with immigration. She shifted in her seat, adjusting her skirt and dangling a high-heeled sandal from her manicured foot.

"Really? What planet are you from?" She said this with sarcasm learned from hours upon hours of watching every comedian from Youngman to Sandler.

"AB399SE. IT"S IN THE PROBIAN GALAXY." He grinned proudly, adjusting the starfleet pin on his breast.

Mary tried not to laugh in his face. Thank you, Jen, she thought.

Mary was a psychology major in college, working part-time as a school counselor. Jen felt she could get out more often, perhaps to find a man, and suggested she go out with Simon. Apparently, Simon wasn't his real name.

"So, what brings you to New York?" She thought about ditching him when the check came.

"I HAVE COME TO FIND A MATE. MY OFFSPRING HAS LINGERED IN MY BODY FOR ONE THOUSAND YEARS, AND EACH ONE SCREAMS FOR ITS MOTHER."

Some suggestion. A joke, perhaps?

"I CAN NO LONGER ENDURE THEIR SUFFERING FOR THEM. THEY MUST BE RELEASED...released..."

Mary wondered how long she could humor him until she had to do something rude.

"THEY MULTIPLY INSIDE ME...THEY CALL, BUT I CANNOT ANSWER."

"Why not?" Jen asked, trying to care.

"BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO MOTHER TO CARE FOR THEM. I, LONGFELLOW McMASTER BEAN, CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH..."

"I'm sure..." Mary looked up to see dinner finally arrived, on the palm of the diner owner's hand. He was short that night.

"I MUST RETURN TO AB399SE AND RECLAIM MY THRONE...BUT I CANNOT GO BACK ALONE. I WANT TO TAKE YOU WITH ME." Simon/Longfellow chowed down on a plate of Buffalo Wings.

"I can't go with you. There are too many important things here to do."

"But you must."

Mary needed to think quickly. An answer popped into her head in-between bites of a Caesar salad.

"They say you are wrong. They want me to stay here. I'm not ready to leave, and there will be many moons between my capture of my throne. However, they say your time is short. You must go there, now, without delay."

"BUT THE SCREAMS..."

"That's why they are screaming. Because you need to return to your home, and once you have given your best to the galaxy, only then can they be released. Yes, once you have done that, will I release your offspring from their cocoons."

A blank look covered Simon/Longfellows face. "I DON"T UNDERSTAND...HOW...HOW YOU CAN COMMUNICATE..."

"I am the chosen one. Your ancient wife. And I will wait for you when you return for me." It'll be a cold day in hell, she thought.

"YOU...WOU WILL?"

"Oh, absolutely." Arizona looked pretty good at this moment. "I will wait forever." Or until the bill comes...

"THEN I MUST GO...NOW." Simon/Longfellow bolted through the door, knocking over a waitress with two plates of chicken for the frat boys at the next table.

Mary uncrossed her legs and polished off her salad. I'm gonna get Jen good for this, she thought.