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by Jay O'Toole

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A place for discussion on poetry, reviews, contests, etc.

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May 12, 2025 at 10:25pm

#3732539

Re: DISCUSSION: The Rigors of Revision

by JCosmos

{item: 1089199)

{center}Drinking In Satan’s Lair
{/center}
One frustrating, lonely Friday Night
I went on a bender
In Bangkok City of Angels

I went to my favorite bar
The Cosmos Bar
In Soi Cowboy

On the lunatic
left side of society

And started drinking up a storm
With my friends for the night
Jack Daniels, Jimmy Dean,
and Old Grand Dad

Jim Beam put in an appearance
As did Senior Dos Equis, Mr. Corona
And the Arrogant Bastard himself

Soon, I was almost there
But still, twenty drinks too sober
Just another lost drunk soul

As I sat there looking
at the dancing maidens
Naked on stage
Consumed with lust

I watched them
Wondering whether
I would end up alone

I realized
that I was lost
Somewhere,

I had found my way
Down a rabbit hole

And looked around
And saw that
everyone around me
Had been transformed
into their true selves.

Most were humans
Some were Thai,
Others were
Foreigners from all over

Some were aliens
hideous creatures
From the Star Wars Bar

At the end
of the galaxy

And some were satanic demons
Who were
Whipping the humans

who did not
seem to notice
The demons all around them

I wondered
what had happened to me
Did someone slip me some acid

Was I dead or alive
And I sat there numbed

The waitress Khun Lek
An evil Thai women

Who had the best ass
Of any women I knew

An ass so divine
A true epic masterpiece
An ass to die for

Looked so fine
My eyeballs hurt

She looked at me
And smiled

Welcome to Satan’s lair
We’ve been waiting
for you for years

I asked whether
I was alive or dead

She said

Alive for now,
And now you see
The world as it is

And you can choose
Free will and all that

So I ordered
another round
of beers

One bourbon, one scotch
and one beer
And whisky

And the demons joined me
And I drank all night
In Satan’s lair

Just another lost human
Drinking his way
to hell and back

In the morning
the bartender

Took me home
Where we made
wild passionate love

And I woke up
And saw her note

Meet me at midnight
Same time and place

Satan has plans for you
And you can have
my ass again

Satan has given me
to you
As your reward

For joining the right team
Operation
Take over Humanity
Has begun

I open the fridge
And pulled out a beer

And started drinking
Just another bender
In a life of endless benders
Drinking in Satan’s lair.

Okay. You have released the muse that resides in the creative, or artistic, side of your brain to create a slew of fantastical images and whimsical situations in a flurry of inspiration. Now it is time to put the other side of your brain to work--the analytical, critical side that will sift through all that grist and sludge to find the golden nuggets for polishing and arranging into a sparkling piece of treasure.

This can be a difficult and painful process. After all, this is your beloved brainchild we are talking about here. The first thing you must do is learn to look at your work objectively. Reviewing the work of other poets can be helpful to do this. The work of other members of this group as well as the public forum of WDC provide excellent opportunities to do this.

Break the poem down line by line, word by word, syllable by syllable. Identify the things that are working well in the poem. Locate the obvious errors of syntax, spelling and punctuation. Look for cliches, gaudy phrasing, unclear language, weak images, and any other flaws that weaken the focus of the poem. Then go back one more time with the thought of finding any way possible to strengthen it further. Sometimes it is the words around the trouble spot that need changing.

Workshops, writing groups and other students or poets can help to identify these flaws. Before exposing your work to those elements, you should be ready to accept honest criticism. If you are too sensitive about your work, this may not be the right path for you. Weigh the responses and sift out the good, constructive suggestions for possible use while discarding the useless ones.

Occasionally, it may turn out that the first draft needs no revision, especially in the shorter forms, such as haiku. After five or six revisions, it may start to sound flat and lifeless. In that case, it may be useful to put it away for a time and come back later with a fresh perspective. The important thing is that it seems right and sounds natural, no matter how hard you struggled with it.

Ultimately, this is your poem, and it’s up to you to decide when it is finished. The more you read over your work and experiment with revision, the more you will gain confidence in your ability to critique your work objectively and make that final decision.

ASSIGNMENT: Make a list of your pet peeves. If you were sent to hell, what torment would you dread most? Write a poem about it using imagery, rhythm and sound effects to SHOW us that experience.

MESSAGE THREAD

DISCUSSION: The Rigors of Revision · 05-12-25 1:02pm
by Dave