Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

This is flash fiction, which is an art in itself. Most of my usual ledes aren't appropriate for flash, since the available space is so limited...still...I think there are some basic elements that I can comment on, so here goes!

                                                             
What I liked best
I love SciFi stories, long or short!

                                                             
Opening
Generally, it's not advisable to start a story with a disembodied voice speaking, even if the voice belongs to an android. Like most good stories, this one has a point of view, namely that of Aurora. Implicit in the story is her goal--passing the entrance examination. The obstacle is that she knows the exam is rigged.

So...I'd suggest starting the story by (a) naming Aurora; (b) having her interact in some way with the setting of the story (maybe she fidgets, or sweat trickling down her brow burns her eyes); and (c) have think everything depends on this test. That establishes her POV, her goal (passing the test). Then, when the robot drones the question, we see the obstacle. Now you've established pov, goals, stakes, and obstacles, and launched tension.

I admit it would be a challenge to do all of that with minimal words, but that's what makes flash fiction both challenging and rewarding.

                                                             
Plot
Well, this is kind of a re-hash of the Kobayashi Maru episode from Star Trek, which tends to weaken the tension. But that episode is a classic because it's effective, so this doesn't mean you can't use the same idea.

                                                             
Style and Voice
While we are implicitly in Aurora's point-of-view, the text is omniscient third person. Just adding a physical sensation to Aurora early on would mitigate this and establish her as providing the point-of-view.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
Well, there isn't any. Another challenge for flash fiction. We know at least one person is being examined by an android, which is the bare minimum. But even another couple of words could tell us where this is happening and whether others are present.

                                                             
Characters
Two. Both react physically--Aurora while answering the question, and the robot by experiencing system failure. (That's another typical meme from Star Trek. I'm not complaining--just noting we're both part of the same fan base.)


                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. This guiding notion applies no less to flash fiction than to other forms--it's just enormously more difficult to carry out.

I enjoyed this Trek-like story, so thank you for sharing. Do keep writing. I've yet to write a successful flash story, let alone one as short or effective as this one, so keep at it!!!

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
I say only one minor typo. Aurora says, "This only way to win is not to play." I think you mean "The only way to win..."

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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