The Dark Society Reviewing Forum

Hi. My name is Max. I found your story on "Invalid Item" . I enjoyed reading it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Hunger Pains" 
Author Warped Sanity
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
You did an awesome job with the Joe and Mary characters. He was sympathetic as the long-suffering husband and she was the opposite as a hateful shrew. That set up the ending perfectly.

                                                             

                                                             
Plot
There are, of course, two plots to this delectable little tale, each with its own tension and release. They fit together perfectly, with the Joy and Bob plot framing the Joe and Mary plot.

                                                             
Style and Voice

Most of my comments have to do with point of view--not surprising since I've been running a contest on point of view on WDC for years. See the "Invalid Item" . Anyway, please bear with my fetish comments below.

This first part of this story uses an omniscient narrator, in which the author stands outside the fictional events, looking in. The author knows the internal thoughts of all the characters; in fact, the author knows everything.

This narrative style dominated 19th century literature and continued well into the 20th. However, it has all but disappeared from commercial fiction today. About 30% of all contemporary fiction uses a first person narrator, while the overwhelming majority of the remainder uses third person limited.

Omniscient narration has many advantages, since it lets the author convey lots of information with minimal words. However, no one reads fiction to learn background information. People read fiction for the human connection with the characters: their sorrows and joys, triumphs and tragedies, loves and losses. Narration chills that connection, which is why it's so much stronger to reveal things through the words and deeds of your characters rather than by telling the readers stuff.

I've added some comments in the line-by-line remarks below to help you see where you jump from Bob's head to Joy's head in the opening segment.

The middle part, the Joe and Mary part, uses third person limited, where the author chooses one character to provide the point of view. The reader can know what that character sees, hears, smells, and otherwise senses. The reader can know what that character thinks, as well. But the reader has to infer these things about all the other characters through their words and deeds. The idea is that the author places the readers deep inside the head of one character, and then the readers encounter the fictional world through that character in a holistic manner, the same way we encounter the real world. That human connection, done well, will draw the reader into the story and thus into the fictional world.

A novel can--and usually does--have many point-of-view characters, but there should be only one for each scene. It's a little unusual for a short story to have two points of view, but it could work in this piece.

My main suggestion is that you tweak the Joy and Bob portion so that it also uses third person limited. I think this will make their portion of the story more intimate and immediate for the readers and better connect them to your fictional world.


                                                             
Scene/Setting
This is sufficient for staging, but still a little sparse for my taste. I wouldn't add much, but a touch here and there to help stimulate the readers' imaginations might be helpful.

                                                             
Characters
Mary and Bob are the most interesting characters. Mary is especially well drawn, as we learn everything we need to know about her through her words and deeds. I just knew she was going to meet a well-deserved fate, and you delivered!

                                                             
Grammar
There were a couple of minor typos noted in the line-by-line comments below.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

I loved the plot for this story, and especially liked the middle section where you stayed in Bob's head. Thanks for sharing, and do keep writing more just like this.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
"I hate this city." Bob's stomach growled, protesting against the limited nourishment the mouse offered. "There was such larger game in Alexandria."My Comment: I liked your opening paragraphs. You name Bob and establish the basic situation for him and his wife Joy. The growl of his stomach suggests internal sensations, which helps to put readers in his head--although "gurgle" might do a better job of internalizing the sensation.

A minor tweak might involve inverting the order of the first two sentences. The reason is that Bob's stomach is internal and puts the reader in his point of view. If he then speaks, we know it's him as the speaker and someone else is supposed to hear his speech.

Starting with a person speaking leaves the reader uncertain who is "hearing" the speech. This then defaults to the omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, hearing all and knowing all. Instead, you want your readers inside your fictional world, imaging it along with you. That's the reason to start by putting them in Bob's head: now they'll experience your fictional world holistically, through him, as opposed to being told about it via the omniscient narrator.

The obnoxious barking of their neighbor's Labrador Retriever echoed in Bob's ears. My Comment: "echoing in Bob's ears" places us in Bob's head.

He felt that familiar burn on his skinMy Comment: "he felt" reinforces being in Bob's head--although there are reasons to avoid this particular phrase. See below.

Joy shifted on the hard attic floor, trying to get comfortable, before resting her head on her husband's cold chest. My Comment: Here, we have sensations that are in Joy's head: the hard floor, and her husband's cold chest. We also learn what's in her head, since we're told she's "trying to get comfortable.' Thus, this sentence hops to Joy's POV.

Bob's eyes were growing heavy,My Comment: And here we're back in Bob's head with his eyes growing heavy. If you wrote instead his "eyelids drooped," it would be something Joy might see, and you'd be in her head.

The alarm sounded in Joe's ears, signifying that it was time for his morning pre-work routine. He gently moved Mary's arm off of his chest, My Comment: "Sounding in Joe's ears" puts us in his head. I see we are adding a new POV with Joe. Readers are notoriously inattentive creatures, so I'd take some care to add a detail or two here to help emphasize that we are in a new location with new characters. Maybe Joe stretches in the sunlight streaming through the bedroom window, for example, instead of bursting into flames as Bob would do.

Joe drove to the local Duncan Donuts, My Comment: typo: Dunkin' Donutss.

"Are those the ones with the chocolate filling."My Comment: typo: missing question mark.

He felt his his chest grow warm with his rising blood pressure.My Comment: Phrases like "he felt" are a subtle form of telling. In this segment, you've been solidly in Joe's POV, so arguably anything on the page is something he sensed, thought, or otherwise knows. If you describe directly what he felt, readers will not only infer "he felt" it, it will also be more immediate and intimate for them. That little step of inference helps to draw them into Joe's head and hence into your fictional world. If you want to emphasize "he felt" it, you can have him react in some way--which you do in the next sentence where he takes a deep breath.



                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
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