Erotica Harem

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The opinions offered by me are strictly from of my viewpoint and not to be taken literally. I offer them so you may understand my thoughts at the moment for my reasoning. If these are of use, take them. If they are not of use, by all means disregard them.

Title: "Invalid Item" 

Chapter: "Invalid Entry" 

Author: Dragon, Syphars Child

Plot: Kade and Jett finally have the chance to really understand what ties them together.

Style Voice: Third person, consistent and flowing.

Referencing: Biogenic engineering, body chemistry and seductive dress. Emotional strengths.

Scene/Setting: Dining room, two women joining in thought. Outside with everyone dancing to music and drink.

Characters: Believable?Absolutely UniqueAbsolutely

Grammar: Any Comments are in the line by line.

Sentence structure, fragments, paragraph-line break, hard breaks, word count: Any comments are in the line by line.

Personal comments of certain POV or other unique opportunities. Any comments will be in the line by line

P/T Past tense

Rewrites. Being respectful to the author's work.

Comments or suggestions:
The flow of emotions was strong and continued to flow and the addition of Libby enforcing the attraction between Kade and Jett was a pleasant addition, I really liked it.

My Personal Opinion:
I enjoyed Kade and Libby speaking to one another and making connections. Libby is really down to earth and makes few judgement calls, unless there would be a real reason I believe.
Kade did exactly as I suspected with the tiny outfit and I feel I know her much better now.
Jett became more clear once his POV entered and followed through seeing Kade dancing. Of course all can't be merry when Kade wants to know his feelings and this increased the emotional tides, great job.


Chapter 6 Entry #753762
Kade stared after him, blinking back the tears that threatened. She’d never cried over a man or hurtful words before, but these bit hard. She remained cemented to the ground, unable to make her feet move, and not knowing whether to go after him.

She didn’t turn at the footsteps approaching her from behind. “He’ll be okay, honey. He just needs to cool down. Now, why don’t you come on in and I’ll get you a nice cold glass of ice tea and we can talk.” Libby placed her arm around her shoulder and led her back to the house.

Kade sat at the big table in one corner of the kitchen, near a bank of windows that looked out over the yard. She had an excellent view of the outbuildings, animal pens, mobile homes tucked in where they would fit, and the people roaming here and there, obviously busy with whatever work they had to do.

“They all work hard. Most of ‘em lost their own farms and ranches. We…my husband and I…bless his soul…were able to put the wall up and make room for them. We all combined what we had left and made a go of it.” She smiled and Kade could see warmth shining in the woman’s eyes.

She looked out the window again, eyes focusing on the small building Jett had disappeared into.

“He’s a good man, but his temper can leave a person wondering where that demon hides.” She patted her hand. “You and he…you guys…you know?” Libby’s voice left no mistake about what she was talking.

“No.” Kade shook her head, turning her gaze on the woman.

Libby stared at her for a moment and grinned before returning to the stove, scooping food onto platters, and covering them. “Ah, but you’d like to. I see it in your face, in the way you look at him. I noticed the way you stand when you’re near him. Close and comfortable.”

“We’ve only known each other a few days and I’ve been nothing but trouble to him.” Her thoughts kept trailing to him, wondering what he was doing.

Libby set a little plate with a piece of pie on it in front of her, poured a glass of iced tea and sat down across from her. “Doesn’t matter how long you’ve known the one you’re meant for. It just happens. And if I know Jett, he revels in getting into scrapes and pulling out of them alive. Now, who exactly are you that he’s hauling you across the wastes?” I like this. libby to this point has been silent of her views and has acted as a mother to all. Now a moment exists for these two to finally meet minds and both of their POV's have woven curiosity for me.

“I’m…” She wanted to say no one, and then considered telling her the lie Simon had cooked up, but she knew the woman would see through it, just like she saw that she wanted him. So, with a deep breath, she told her. “I’m a genetically bio-engineered soldier. They lied to Jett about who I was, but when we ran into trouble and Jett was hurt, I stepped in. By the time I sniped six of our ambushers, I think he pretty much figured out I wasn’t any one’s fiancé."

Libby laughed. “I dare say.”

Kade smiled, and continued with her story, telling the older woman what happened up to arriving at her gate. She liked this woman. There was no judgment in her eyes, no harsh words, just another understanding pat on the hand and a refill of iced tea.

Libby stood from the table. “Finish eating, dear. I’ve got to get the rest of this food onto platters and covered until this evening. That’s when everyone has a big meal and we gather for music, dancing, fun. You’ll have to join us. First though, might I suggest a shower and a change of clothes? I dare say that you need a change after wallowing around in the dirt.”

After she finished her meal, Libby led her upstairs and down the hall to the one of the bathrooms. A fresh towel and some wonderful smelling soap waited for her.

“I’ll be right back with some fresh clothes for you, sweetie.”

The door closed with a click and Kade was left alone. She unlaced and tossed the boots in the corner, then undressed, leaving the clothes in a pile by the door. Turning on the faucet she let it run until hot, adjusted the temperature and stepped under the spray of the shower head. A few minutes later the door opened and closed again.

“Just me. I brought something clean for you to put on.”

Kade remained under the steaming torrent. She hadn’t had a shower in nearly four days and in that time she’d been pummeled in the dirt, knocked around, and nearly killed. The soap smelled like lavender. She lathered it all over her body and through her hair.

After standing under the water until it grew cold, which she knew was probably selfish, she got out, dried off and found that Libby in all her womanly wisdom left her only a short summer type T-shirt dress with a swirly skirt. Kade stared at it for a few moments. It was butter yellow with little orange flowers all over it. She took a deep breath and let it out in a heavy sigh. Well, I guess I’ll have to wear it or go naked.This sounds like something Libby would do, making that attraction between Kade and Jett.

Libby had luckily left her a pair of boy type undershorts and a bra that she hoped would fit, it looked a bit too small for her breasts and of course it was, so she left it in the bathroom. The dress clung to her curves and she kept pulling at it to keep the material from clinging. Finally, she gave up, and pulled her boots on, leaving them unlaced.

As she stepped into the kitchen, Libby squealed in delight. “Oh, look at you. Aren’t you just the cutest thing.” She rushed over and turned Kade in circles. “Now, why don’t you go sit out on the back step and enjoy the cool breeze? As soon as the men set up the tables and benches I’ll bring stuff out. You’ll enjoy this.” I'm not sure Kade will enjoy being being such the attention from every male in the area.

By this time the sun had shifted toward the west, casting a deep golden light over the outpost. The commune workers all appeared to be heading for home to get cleaned up for the evening’s festivities. She cast a glance at the people moving in and out of the shack that Jett was still holed up in. Several men brought out big casks and set them sideways on stands so that drinks could be dispensed through a spigot. Libby came out the door, letting it slam becauseI feel 'because' is narrative and feel 'while' would be a great replacement. her hands were full. Kade hurried out of her way and grabbed one of the platters she was balancing on an arm.

She noticed some stares from both men and women, which made her nervous, and she tugged at the skirt that just skimmed the middle of her thigh. I was right. This is a good tension builder.

“Don’t worry dear. They’re only admiring you. You’re a beautiful woman.” Libby whispered, and then hurried off towards the house again.

After the hustle and bustle of setting up the tables and putting everything out for the meal they all sat to eat. Kade still hadn’t caught a glimpse of Jett. Where is he? Did he decide to get dead drunk? Fear shot through and she twisted around to be sure the truck was still there. Sure enough, it remained where he’d parked it.

The laughter at her table brought her back to the moment. Everyone seemed to have a funny story whether it happened that day or years ago. One of the young men asked her about her family and where she grew up, and she blanched. What do I tell him?

“I didn’t grow up with a traditional family.” She spoke her words carefully. “I was raised with the scientists at a lab…”

“I think it’s time for some music and dance!” Libby’s voice carried over the boisterous crowd, saving Kade from having to say anymore. The older woman winked. Nice job ending this view. At first it followed with a narrative sense but Libby winking sealed the POV.

A small group of men and women moved to a makeshift stage where their instruments lay. They played some light hearted old rock at first, and the children were the first to dance. Others helped clear the tables and Kade joined in. She needed something to do with her hands and to take her mind off him.

****


Jett nursed his fourth homemade beer. His anger had subsided. When he heard the commune members coming home and getting ready for dinner, he couldn’t bring himself to move or offer any help. His thoughts remained on Simon and what that bastard was doing. It was one thing that the son-of-a-bitch was manipulating him, but Kade as well. She didn’t deserve this. She really was an innocent, no matter that the man had manipulated her genetic code, bent it to his will.

Finally, as the sun started sinking behind the wall and the dim light of evening covered the outpost. He realized he’d been sitting there for hours. Instead of getting stinking drunk like he’d started out to, he was pleasantly buzzed.

He suddenly thought of the way he’d left Kade standing in the yard, staring at him. He’d felt her eyes on him as he’d stormed off. Had Libby taken her in? Was she sitting out there all alone, wondering if he was ever coming out?
He downed the rest of the beer, not wanting to waste something these people worked so hard to make. Music carried to him, some old tune with an upbeat tempo. He moved to the doorway and peered out into the crowd. People were sitting around drinking and smoking, others danced in a cleared out area in front of the small band. Kids ran and chased each other into the light of a huge bonfire and back out into the dark.

He looked for Kade, but didn’t see her among those seated at the tables. As he gazed around looking for her, he stopped in his tracks.
The vision dancing with one of the young men couldn’t possibly be Kade, but there was no mistaking the short dark hair or, as his eyes trailed down the length of her body, those boots.

She moved her body in time to the music, swaying with her partner. Jett couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, all he could do was stare. It seemed to get warmer despite the cooling breeze. The little dress she wore clung to her in all the right places.

He imagined pressing against her, kissing her, catching that dress by the hem and sliding it up her body…

“She’s beautiful isn’t she?” With sharp abruptness, Libby snapped him out of his daydream.

He nodded, trying to find his voice. “Uh, huh,” was all he could muster, his eyes still glued to Kade’s swaying body.

“They seem to think so, too.” She indicated a group of young men standing alongside the dance area. They all seemed to be waiting for her.

“All because of some stupid little dress.” Jett growled. He continued to watch Kade. No wonder these other men were all lined up for a chance to be close to her. She was long and lean, with a flat stomach, and the muscle tone in her arms and legs allowed for his imagination to run wild. That little dress, flattered every bit of her.

The song changed and Jett watched as another groupie stepped up. Her eyes sparkled and her smile made his heart skip a beat. These boys had no idea who she was, what she was. He was certain all they could see, was a pretty young thing to warm their bed.

Jealousy struck him and he shoved his way to the front of the line. They voiced their dismay, but a quick sharp whistle from Libby turned them away.

A slow, rhythmic beat floated through the air. At that moment, there was no BioGen, no Simon, only Kade. He closed the gap between them and for a moment she hesitated. Would she reject him? Her eyes met and held his gaze as her hands snaked up his chest and over his shoulders to clasp behind his head.

“What happened earlier?” She asked. His hands rested against her waist.

“I don’t want to talk about that right now.” He breathed in the intoxicating scent and pulled her against him, one arm around her back and the other on her bottom. She smelled wonderful.

“But I do.” As they moved to the music, she kissed the base of his throat and worked her way up to his jaw line. Her fingers splayed through his hair, caressing the back of his head. “Why were you so mad?”

He buried his face at the crook of her shoulder and neck. “Please, Kade, I don’t want to discuss this.”

He moved to look at her. Those beautiful eyes, full lips, soft skin pressed against him, sent a thrill along his spine. With sudden ardor, he leaned down and captured her mouth with his. At first the kiss was gentle then more insistent. This time when their tongues intertwined there was no log to snap and break it up. The world dimmed further, and left them to melt into one another. Her body molded to his as though she were part of him.

Kade broke the kiss and slipped from his arms. “I want to know what happened. Did you talk to Simon? Why did you yell at me to get away from you? Why are we…?” She turned and rushed out into darkness.

He shook his head to clear it and blew out a breath to calm the heat brewing in his body. Libby caught his gaze, her features pinched with concern. He followed Kade.

She was sitting on an old swing, hanging from a huge cottonwood.

“Kade?”

“I don’t know what you want from me, Jett Mason. I don’t know how to do this…this life thing. I’m a lab rat. I know nothing about being out here.” She spread her arms wide. “I feel something for you I don’t understand. With those useless idiots in Simon’s employ, I knew where we stood.”

“Simon engineered you with pheromones that would attract me and would also make you attracted to me, more so than to anyone else. We’re a matched set it seems.”

She stood from the swing. “What? You mean we aren’t just naturally attracted to each other? What could he want, doing something like that? Is this some sort of sick joke? I can’t do this. I don’t want you to be like those lab guys. I want…” She bolted for the house.

The slam of the screen door carried to him and he stood there not knowing what to do. He let out a heavy sigh. “Damn it.”

“You two still haven’t worked out your troubles?” Libby’s quiet, motherly voice came from the shadow.

“I suppose it was your idea to dress her in that little number?”

“It was.” There was no apology in the older woman’s voice. “You love her, Jett. I can see it in your eyes, in the way you carry yourself when you are near her. I heard what you told her. You love her above and beyond any genetic tampering. Fight for her.” Her hand clasped him on the shoulder. “Come get something to eat. Maybe then you can think clearly.”

A lot of strong emotion building here, I like it.

Imagine.

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