Novel Writing Brainstorming Forum

Okay, I read it. You said:
* Nothing like putting all of the tools on the wrong side.
* I've got my protagonist out on a mission that he doesn't need to be involved in.
* I don't know how to reel this mess back in.
* I've resorted to putting in a dragon for crying out loud! REALLY?

What you point out here is that you have created seemingly unsolvable problems for your protagonist(s) (I assume Zan and Athalia? Are you leaning toward Zan as primary protagonist? I kind of like Athalia in that role, personally.) That is AWESOME. If you, the author, can't figure out how the heck your protagonists are going to get out of the mess, then your readers DEFINITELY won't know. That, my friend, is good writing.

But that doesn't solve your problem. You need to figure out how they WILL get out of the mess, right? I can brainstorm this with you, but I need a few questions answered:
1. what was the ending you had planned?
2. what's the significance of the compass?
3. what "happened" to Slade and Mina? Is it related to the jewel, and if so, how?

And just to toss this out there, what if they don't get out of the mess?

Regarding your notes for improvement, you mentioned the possibility that Athalia and Zan already knew each other or had at least met. I'm thinking that's quite possible, giving his political position and her diplomatic experience.

A general comment as you move forward - and I don't want to give you too many specific examples now for fear of turning your editor on high gear - but you're making things too easy for your characters. This is a completely new, unknown world to a group of kids who, with the exception of Mina, had absolutely no idea that they would find themselves separated from parents, schools, teachers, order, or society without their consent. They should be a little more freaked out than they are, a little more insecure, unsure of what to do or how to proceed, a little more short tempered and prone to breakdowns. Again, with the exception of Mina, who should be the most level-headed and informed person there. I'd expect her to know a little about the planet, thanks to her research.

Some specific comments;
* Slade is a soldier. I don't believe for a second he's satisfied with architectural fortifications. He wants weapons. It should be a priority to build some. He should be brainstorming with his buddies, sharpening sticks with rocks to make spears, calling on Mina to whip some fancy magic out of the book of hers, anything to create some weapons.

* Slade would also want the area scouted. Did they find any caves? What other useful terrain features have they discovered? He would be taking inventory.

* Cultural tensions - you're touching on these, but make them more distinct, cause some friction, create some problems. It seems like you're having to fabricate Slade's bad attitude (and one of the answers to my questions might explain it), but I could easily envision Slade developing a bad attitude over time because members of the group legitimately struggle to follow his lead, due to his Gramanian background and who his father is.

* Don't you dare let those boys get the goats. You've got a brilliant opportunity to create high dramatic tension. We, the readers, desperately want the boys to overcome the dragon and get the goats. We expect Zan to use his slick silver tongue to talk the dragon out of his lunch, or at least talk the group's way out being the dragon's lunch. Don't give it to us. The dragon needs to eat one of the boys, or destroy the pen they just worked so hard to build and scatter the goats, or both. The boys need to go back empty-handed. Then, like Dawn suggested, the real troubles begin, because the kids are all starving, and Zan led this group on a fool's mission, so people start blaming Zan for his stupidity. Or, better, Zan doesn't make it back. Maybe the four boys are captured by the dragon. Maybe he eats one, then strings the others up for later. Maybe he and Carstan are the only two left, and maybe one of them is seriously injured. Maybe Carstan tries to heal an injured Zan and falls ill beyond recovery, such that he's no longer a help to the group... now Slade and Mina, and even Athalia, will blame Zan for the quest, because he's not only NOT brought them any livestock, but he's gone and lost two of the very few skilled older boys, damaged Carstan beyond the ability to be useful, and led a dragon back to a camp full of screaming three-year-olds crying for their mommies.

NOW we're talking about some good dramatic tension.

But that's not to say you don't already have good dramatic tension lined up, since, as you mentioned, you've created yourself a mess that you don't know how to reel back in. Maybe you have it all in your head, and I just haven't gotten the opportunity to read that far yet.

Regards,
Michelle