Mystical Meditations

When I first realized that something wasn't right was during a time in my life of extreme stress. I had always had it (bipolar) even was being treated for depression which was thought to have been a side effect of my epileptic medications. But it was when I was under extreme stress at work when I noticed the changes. At first I didn't notice them myself. But when I would stop and think about my actions. I would realize it wasn't normal. It was easy for me to detect my odd behavior, as I had been a psychology major and worked in a mental hospital myself. It was the paranoia that hit me first and hard. I thought people had tapped into my laptop and were planting viruses and taking information. I would sit at my laptop and "dissect" it for hours and days at a time. I ended up erasing the computer itself. The paranoia got worse and I thought my parents were trying to poison me. I didn't trust anyone. My work relationships became tainted with paranoia.

Wow, this is really powerful to write about. I have to stop. I can't write anymore. It is too emotional for me. I'll just say, I eventually had uncontrollable crying spells and thoughts of suicide and went to the hospital because I knew something wasn't right. I didn't think it was bipolar because the psychosis was so strong. I thought I had schizophrena or something like that. They said I was depressed with psychotic features. The bipolar with psychotic features came after they got to know me a bit more.