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title: Rat in the Shadows
chapter reviewed: 1
user name: Pico

plot: Mark Rathman kills a would-be assassin. He picks up a young girl who had her grandfather murdered by the aforementioned assassin.

characters: Rathman – an alien who’s just killed an assassin.
Christine- his wife. She can hold her own and has captured a second assassin.
Sandy – a young girl in a short, blonde ponytail. She’s witnessed her grandfather’s death and the group of assassin take possession of flash drives. She’s taken by the Rathman’s as they hurry to flee.

grammar: no issues

style/voice: third person omnipresent. Fine.

setting: other than the Rathman residence, nothing else is really flashed out.

overall:
WHAT COULD BE FIXED:
-there are a lot of things that happen right off the bat here. Maybe slow things down and explain a bit more. Maybe feed us the fact that Rathman is an alien from the onset.
-You really should mention that the assassin has just murdered Sandy’s grandpa, or atleast work that detail in somehow…maybe a description of the scene after Rathman kills the assassin?
-Are you sure the van is not an RV? Vans aren’t known for their toiletries !

WHAT WORKS:
- a lot of things are set up.
-a nice fight scene
- Sandy seems interested. Either the girl is traumatized (could be) or is basically a sociopath if she naturally doesn’t care about what’s going on around her!




LINE BY LINE
Lean and agile Mark Rathman strode easily along the trail.
[depending on what you want to say here, you may want a comma after “agile”.]

He sent a few small animals scurrying for cover at his sudden appearance.
[hmmm…don’t like the 2nd half of this sentence. Maybe: A few small animals scurried (off) at his sudden appearance.]

His friend Selmer Ebert sold Mark hunting rights to this piece of property and no one else was supposed to be out here.
[Roger Ebert was the fist thing that sprung to mind when I read “Selmer Ebert” lol. Just thought to mention.]

Mark’s curiosity grew, as he got closer.
[comma not really needed.]

The girl turned to comply and Mark saw sheer terror written across her face.
[you should ditch “written”. Not needed.]

She just stared.
[She only stared-> sounds better I think.]

“Sandy… Sandra Middleton,” she finally whispered in halting voice..
[This is good. You (inadvertently) give us insight into Sandy’s character by the way she introduces herself. PS the double period typo!]

Mark went right on by straight to the front door.
[Mark went straight to the front door.]

“Sandy just saw her grandfather shot in the head and thinks I killed the guy who did it. Sit her down in the living room get a blanket around her and get her something to drink.”
[I like the exposition here!]

Mark crammed himself into the tiny bathroom all the way in the back and went to work cleaning off the make up making himself look human again.
[Since when do vans have bathrooms? Are you sure it’s not an RV? Also, what does Mark look like when not in his human makeup?]

He limp short blond ponytail hung behind her.
[“He” is a typo I think.]