Novel Review Group Message Forum

This is a review from the "Novel Review Group"  and "Simply Positive Review Forum " 

Title: Fragile

Chapter Reviewed: Prologue

User Name: ialbania

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

Plot:

Gwen is in the process of committing suicide when she meets Azarkin who saves her with some kind of deal with the devil arrangement. Gwen evidently accepts.

Characters:

I have a little confusion here. Is the main character Gwen or Malin? Are they the same person or two different people? I know at this point it doesn't matter but I looked at the list of characters and Gwen is listed but the synopsis lists Malin as the "writer with a troubled past." Azarkin in the prologue seems to be some sort of devil. Both characters are adequately developed at this point. Krim is mentioned in passing but not developed further. I don't see anything wrong with it. Mention of a dead sister Faith is also made.

Grammar:

Didn't see any real problems.

style/voice:

Gwen's POV.

Setting:

Seemed to flow from the bathroom where she lay dying to a beach where she encounters Azarkin. I thought it worked well.

Overall:

I think this prologue is very well written. There is plenty to grab the attention of the reader. The hook is good enough to get the reader to turn the page. I would give it very high marks. For me the deal with the devil bit is a bit cliche and doesn't do anything for me. I don't think that's a reflection on your writing or book. I'm just not into that type of scenario. I'm just getting a bit jaded in my old age. I will continue to review this book as long as it is up for review.

Line by line

PROLOGUE

Question: should I keep/cut the part under the dashes? Keep it. I think without it I would be too confused to continue.



Gwen lifted her hand out from the growing pool of blood she sat in. She watched it trickle down to the square white tiles and spread on the bathroom floor. Then she let her palm plop back into the puddle and stared at the ceramic wall ahead. The sedatives were working. She felt drowsy; maybe the blood spewing from her wrists played a role. She wondered what her body was doing in these fleeting seconds. Convulsing? Willing itself alive for whatever seconds it could steal? Fighting the inevitable?

Her eyes gave up. And as they shut she only thought how this was all wrong.

She lay on her back as she came to and couldn't bear to look at the swirling, dark sky overhead. She rolled over on her side. Her wrists were whole and it shocked her. The ground cycled from dark sand to pebbles and over again. She gathered her strength and stood on her knees, only to notice waves crashing against razor sharp rocks. The violence of the waves was muted. Effervescent foam was the only evidence of their thrashing. Rocks fizzled - like a dying TV image - out of existence in one place only for others to appear somewhere else.

Gwen stammered to her feet and spun around. She swept matted strands of hair from her eyes for a clear look at the muted sights. A landscape in continual change surrounded her. A strange sense of vertigo left her nauseous. Only after some time passed did she realize her chest was heaving. A metallic taste - of iron and aluminum - dispersed lightly over the tip of her tongue. She tried in vain to wipe it off by brushing a fist against her lips. It was no use. Consider revision. Gets rid of a weak verb.

Then out of the twilight ahead, a man's figure emerged from somewhere in the waves and walked toward her. He was I'm sure there is a way to get rid of this weak verb as well. So far not bad in that department by the way. barefoot and in loose, gray pants and a plain olive-green shirt.

No words came to her.

"Hello, Gwen. My name is Azarkin and I'm here to save you." He came into focus as tall, with short blond hair, and a long face accented by stubble.



========================================================================================================



She only stood with her arms wrapped around her arching back. A lock of twisted hair crossed her forehead. When her knees gave out Azarkin was there to catch her fall. She felt his sturdy arms clamp around her and guide her safely onto the floor where she lay. There was a sense of peace in his touch. Combine this with the next sentence and you can eliminate this was as well. A jolt of tranquility ran down from her spine and permeated to her fingertips. She realized the landscapes stood in place now.

Azarkin crouched over her, looking straight into her eyes. "I got you."

He traced a finger across Gwen's forehead and down her right cheek bone, clearing the last matted strand to the side.

"You are so beautiful, Gwen."

"I don't want to die," she managed the words in a whisper somewhere between calm and a whimper.

"Good, because I can save you." He tucked a few strands hair behind her ear.

"Please help me."

"Well, you have two choices, Gwen. One, you can choose to die."

She shut her eyes and shook her head no.

Azarkin held her hand, ran his fingers over her healed wrists and said, "Such disproportionate ramifications for too petty a crime. We certainly can't allow this. No. No." Then he turned his attention back to her, "Your second choice is a gift of ten years. Gwen, I can give you ten years of life. You choose the trimmings."

She believed him for whatever reason. Frankly, she'd take any offer. She wanted to see the sun rise again, feel it warm her face, and see it set peacefully at night. She regretted slitting her wrists.

"Yes. Yes!" She nodded instinctively.

"Very well. You should understand that once ten years pass, I will take permanent possession of your body."

"Yes." she clasp her eyes tight.

"Very good. Now, what would you like me to give you in addition to your fantastic new life?" He asked with a smile.

She turned her head to her side, toward him. Her eyes were steady onto his.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Faith."

She received no response. There was simply his smile.

"Faith. I want my sister back. Have her living again."

His smile faded and was replaced by brooding eyes. "I can't. Life is the only thing I can't give. Returning the dead to the living is the one thing beyond my power."

"Then what good are you?"

A chuckle burst out of Azarkin. "Oh, sweet angel. I can do everything else. I can give you lost love, if you want. The career of your choice. Fame and fortune."

Her eyes gleamed for an instance at the words of lost love and Azarkin caught it.

"Is there someone you love, Gwen? I can give them to you. Romance and candlelit dinners. Put the fairy tales to shame. Make you a mother of children that will grow old."

She thought of Krim. Then hated her self for wanting the man who abandoned her in every way possible. For loving him. She decided anything but Krim.

"I want to write. Fame and fortune. Unquestioned. Unmatched." Her voice was cold. Hard. Vindictive.

Azarkin smiled. "Very good, Gwen. Just take my hand, then. It's that easy," he said and held out his hand for her. Great internal and external dialogue here. I think it works really well.








Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.