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Fragile
Chap 2
By Wrath of Khan This is just a revision of this review that I submitted about 2 weeks ago.

reviewed by linggy
plot: chapter 2 is essentially the same scene told from Michael's pov. and then a meeting with a mysterious man in Africa. Apparently, he is on assignment to follow Krim. There is talk of "Father" and this is starting to take on a mysterious religious tone. The Father touches people, is this the devil and the pact that Gwen made with him. If so, why is Michael opposed to Krim? The Father's goal is to "damn the world?" Anyway after following Krim he books a flight to South Africa and meets with another mysterious person. I hope the next chapter will start explaining the conflict. I'm a bit lost what's going on.

Characters: Michael is described best, but I don't know what exactly he's doing. The other character is totally mysterious, is he dead? He says he wants to be free. free from what.

grammar: fine
style/voice:3rd person POV Michael
setting:The same bookstore as in the last chapter and then in S. A. meeting with the mysterious man.
overall: I realize you want to create mystery, but I'm getting lost here. You're obviously involving your readers with some "otherworldly states" or some religious style conflict, But perhaps you should give us a better idea where this is going. Or ,it could be my fault and I'm just not patient enough for the conflict to start.

My comments and suggestions are in RED. Blue is to highlight something from you.

Note: I’m making suggestions and telling you my honest opinion, but I’m no expert.
Take what you like and trash the rest.
Linggy


On the surface, Michael was the ideal man. Successful, groomed, and elegant to a fault. The white stripes of his black suit jacket complemented the thin, alternating white and silver slants of his yellow tie. He had a sternly knitted brow that exposed him as a man of at least forty. He moved silently through the store, watching Krim. Following him. He watched Krim nonchalantly pick up a dark, hardcover book off a display case on the side of the stocked, wooden shelf. He stood about twenty yards back beside a poster of Gwen and her book when Krim got in line to have a copy signed.

He did not (didn't) know who Gwen was. He had never heard of her. But, he sensed she had been touched by Father. And that made her almost a part of him. A piece in an ancient struggle to free Father and damn the world. More importantly, Krim now stood in line for her. Krim -(comma) who had refused father (Comma) - waited his turn. Why? he(He) had to get closer.

Michael stepped off the polished floor, onto the carpet that covered the aisles of (book)shelves and (walked) down to the its end of the aisle where he turned left. He continued down, along the wall until he was directly across from the table where Mail sat. He stepped back into the aisle and closed in on Gwen.

Almost in the clearing now, the polished floor and the table only feet away from him, he grabbed a nearby Robert Patterson novel and flipped through the pages. His eyes fixed on Gwen, watching as she smiled brightly at a fan, shook hands, made conversation as she signed, handed the book back, and shook hands one last time. She repeated the process for them all. That she seemed earnest and disarming didn't concern him. It was what she did after she sent the line coordinator - a petite woman in a dark suite with a white badge hanging in front of her - off with a middle aged man that caught him.

Krim stepped up to the table next(comma) and words, inaudible (words), were exchanged. She pressed her right hand against her blouse and it was enough (Same image, I still don't know the significance of this action.). Michael sensed a current raging in the space between the two. Human love maybe. Imperfect and ferocious. Broken but unrelinquished.

He pulled out a cellphone and silently took a few pictures of them . Once done, Michael and then walked away. He made his way down the elevator then across the(He took the elevator to) the store foyer and left the store to) onto the brisk, outside air. He went in his car and waited until he saw Krim step out. Michael's eyes locked on him as Krim looked about a moment around and }then walked by Michael's tinted windshield to his car and drove off.

Michael's car rolled to a stop on the side of the road as Krim's crimson back lights disappeared into a pair of dark iron gates. (Michael followed Krim's car until it disappeared behind a pair of dark iron gates.) The gates(As they slowly) closed and (comma)he continued to look on - until Krim appeared at the balcony above. Now their eyes locked, separated only by a layer of dark fiberglass. Michael took out his phone and dialed.

"AirQuantic Airlines." The female operator said.

"I'd like purchase a ticket for Johannesburg, South Africa. One-way."

"May I have your name, Sir?"

"Michael Pontiff."


*****

Still in his striped dark suit, (to separate the same name a bit)
Michael Pontiff walked with a deliberate step through the coarsely lit manilla (manila)corridor, still in his striped dark suit. His black, dress shoes new ,(bought) only hours ago(comma) now appeared scratched and dusty on the granular floor. He came to an opening in the wall (Isn't this just a shop?) and sauntered into a bright room covered in newspapers and books. On one side of the crack (What's this?)the ceiling was essentially gray rock. On the other, smaller, side it was the same manilla color as the walls.

beneath the crack, a man in an olive green t-shirt and worn out black pants stood stood facing the far wall. He looked He was in his thirties, of average height with tousled, short blond hair and long sideburns. But, in reality, he was older.(author intrusion here) Two days’ stubble accentuated his long, pouty lips. And his bright blue eyes made him an attractive man at any age.

"I want to be free, Michael. Do you realize how badly I want to get out?" The man in sandals stood just under the crack and stared up at it. His back still to Michael.

"Yes," Michael replied with a solemn gaze. His eyes were nearly black, and bottomless as a pit (a cliche?).

The man in sandals didn't bother to turn,{{c:blue}x} but instead(he) sat on the bare floor and turned on the TV with a nearby remote control. He had grown accustomed to sitting this way and felt comfortable.

"I remember the world. After all this time, I still remember everything about it. Blades of glass like emeralds. The warmth of the sun on my face." He sighed deeply as Michael walked into the man's line of sight. The man set his steely blue eyes up on Michael, "I have no patience left in me."

"I can bring him to you again."

The man in sandals shook his head briefly. "He reproached me once. He must be compelled somehow. I won't wait anymore."

"Perhaps she can be of use," Michael pulled out his phone, pulled (2x pulled) up the pictures of Gwen and Krim at the bookstore and handed it to the man.

"Who is she?"

"Gwen Levieva. I sensed she was yours."

"Gwen Levieva." The man went over the name and the face in his head. Then, "Yes. She wanted to write. She still has a couple years (left) on her second life."

"In the time I've followed him, he has never gone to such an event and," Michael gazed down at the screen. Then back at the man. "I have never seen her before."

The man sighed. "Okay, then. Suppose the boy is smitten." He tilted the screen further up but did not let go of the device. "The question becomes - how far will he go for her.?"

"Should I find out?"

The man's head jerked back and he sprung to his feet and calmly went past Michael over to the wall and leaned against it, palms flat. There was no movement for a moment. Only the silence of thought. Then the man (he) clapped his hands and turned to to Michael. "The possible simplicity of it all. The simplicity of(:) a love story. So very human." He said in a voice somewhere between disgust and humor.

"What do you wish me to do?"

"Have her take his breath away. When she is sure she's succeeded, have her notify you. And you take his breath away. Literally. Maybe the thought of losing her will be enough(for him) to take my offer. Tell Gwen that, in return for successfully completing this minute task, I will let her keep her soul and, of course, she will keep the gifts I've already given her. Let her know." He look down at the sandy floor and slightly shook his head, "My freedom may depend on a girl's wiles." He said in a hushed tone, more to himself than Michael.