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Fragile
Chapter 1 A
by Wrath of Khan

reviewed by linggy

plot: Gwen's time is running out on her deal( made in the prologue). Now she's a successful writer at a book signing in a book store. Suddenly she is confronted with Azarkin (the devil?) who obviously upsets her cool demeanor. She writes an address and a time in his book and gives it back to him.

Characters: Gwen is shown in a professional setting so we don't know what she is like out of the spotlight. I suspect chap 2 will explain more.

grammar: No problems found

style/voice: 3rd person POV Gwen with one slight change at the end.
setting: The entire chapter takes place at one table in a Barnes & Noble store.

overall: What I like is the way you set this up with a prologue and her time is almost up. The scene as a book signing was an excellent choice. It tells us that she has made it (what we're all striving for!). I noted several places where you're repeating. I'd avoid this. This is your first chap. every word must serve a purpose, no repetition, no fluff. I suggest tightening this up more.
One suggestion: since you have her there, why not have her picking up with the last paragraph or 2 of what she's reading from her book. Something that perhaps connects to her "go for the gusto, the hell with the future" character as shown in the prologue.
I'm looking forward to reading chap 2!

My comments and suggestions are in RED. Blue is to highlight something from you.

Note: I’m making suggestions and telling you my honest opinion, but I’m no expert.
Take what you like and trash the rest.
Linggy


The hour of departure has arrived,
and we go our separate ways.
I to die, and you to live.


8 YEARS AFTER (Later)
Gwen blinked. The white fluorescent lights of Barnes & Noble burned into her eyes - blinding her - as she looked up. But, then again, everything seemed brighter these days.

“Hi!” She greeted a blonde, middle-aged woman in a jersey dress.

“Ms. Levieva. I absolutely loved your book. Read it all in about a week!” The woman handed her a hardcover book.

Gwen brushed a lock of brown curls over her shoulder. “Gwen, Please. And thank you so much. Who should I make this out to?”

“Irene Brown.” The woman continued as Gwen wrote, “I took it with me on vacation and wound up spending more time with it than with my husband!”

“I can’t imagine your husband being too happy about that.”

“That’s why I didn’t ask you to make it out to Irene and Michael Brown.” The woman smirked and raised an eyebrow as Gwen handed her the book.

“Now, I’ll have to use your story at my next book signing, if you don’t mind.”

“I’d be flattered. Thank you.”

“It was a pleasure meeting you, Irene.”

“Good night and continued success, Gwen.” Irene shook Gwen's hand.

“Good night.”

"Next," called a well dressed woman on Gwen's left, and a tall man proceeded to walk(How about: ...walked to her table, "proceeded" and "toward" tell us nothing new) toward her table.

Gwen's smile quickly vanished as she looked behind the tall man (him --- we know he's tall) and caught sight of another man in a cap. A mop of long brown hair under his cap caressed the top of his shoulders. He was dressed in jeans and a white T-shirt - "Sayonara" written across it in red.

She put a hand on the side of her stomach and pressed it against the soft satin of her black-striped, silver blouse in the effort of(What's she's doing here? Why would that help her compose herself?)composing herself. The blouse was tucked into a pair of loose black slacks worn with matching black heels. The outfit gave her a slightly masculine demeanor that went well with her growing reputation of unfettered confidence.

Gwen had regained her composure by the time the tall man (fan)handed her his copy to sign.

"Hi! How are you?" She greeted the tall man. (him: otherwise you have tall man 4x!)

"Very well, thank you. I'd like you to make this out to my daughter Casey. It's for her birthday."

"Absolutely!" Gwen took hold of the book and opened the front flap, "when's her birthday?"

"Tomorrow. She's turning seventeen!" the man (he) said with a big grin, as Gwen (she) looked past him to see the man in the hat hold a copy of her book in front of his chest and smile at her.

"How old did you say she's turning?"

"Seventeen."

"Right, I'm so sorry."

"That's perfectly all right."

"No it isn't." She closed the book and slid it back to him. "Sarah," She called the woman standing off to the side, "please see that this gentleman gets fully reimbursed for the book." She turned to the man with a smile, "It's on the house."

"Oh no. You really shouldn't," the man said.

"I insist. Be sure to spend some time with your daughter for me. Sarah, I can cover for you until you get back."

"Thank you."

"Good night." Gwen shook the man's (his) hand and he disappeared with Sarah.

"Next," she called as the man in the hat stepped up.

“And who shall I make this out to?” She asked with an uneasy smile.

“How about to the villain of your story?” He handed her the book.

“Ah, good. My future fan club president. Don’t know whether to be flattered or frightened.” Gwen spun the book right side up and opened the front flap. She titled her head down. Her hair toppled over her shoulder and onto the white tablecloth. The book disappeared underneath.

“Are you free after this?”

“No,” she said, writing.

“No time for an old friend?”

Gwen tilted her head and scoffed, but managed to let it out as a laugh and closed the cover. Her eyes flicked up at him with a prickly gleam. She set her jaw. “I don’t see any old friends here.”

“Thank you, Ms. Levieva.”

“Good night.” Her cold tone still accompanied by a formal smile. (,as) She handed him the book. (Above you have: He handed her the book and now She handed him the book. I'd suggest you say something different.)

He walked away as the next person walked up to her. He opened the front cover as the escalator took him down toward the foyer, and he read the inscription:

1212 Atlantic Avenue

11:30 – I expect to be moved (Since we have the pov of Gwen, you just switched it to him.)