Novel Review Group Message Forum

Title: Wayfaring Stranger
chapter reviewed: 1
user name: Ms. J

plot: Assa and Addison return to Keokuk, Iowa aboad the Abigail Foster (this is a ship…the name originally confused me). They plan to see their respective girls – Rachel and Jeannie, but choose to wait for the ship to empty out first, so they’re not swept by the crowd (like exiting an airplane). Assa heads to a bar. Note: this takes place following WWI?

They have a mutual buddy, Amos, who’s African-American and is likely to have died durign the war

characters: Assa and Addison. Not sure how close the two really are. It seems Assa is more astute - Addison a bit more gong ho.

grammar: one or two extra words

style/voice: I like the character voices.

setting: Keokuk, Iowa and aboard the Abigail Foster.

overall:
WHAT CAN BE EDITED:
- not sure how the title relates but it’s still very early.
- the dialects. Dialects can often be very hit or miss. Since there's no real oomph though thus far, you really have to make sure that the dialects are intriguing enough to make the reader keep going.

WHAT WORKS
-some nice description of the setting. I like the French style docking reference. Is this right after WWI?
-I like how the guys’ counterparts are built up – hope they figure well into the plot.
- the dialects




LINE BY LINE
The shrill sound of a whistle sliced the moist August morning air in two.
[cut “in two”.]

Still, when sounded in the early morning, the impact of the whistle could jolt even the soundest of sleeper from his or her respite.
[“when sounded” isn’t really needed. “even” should be cut too.]

"What are you gonna do, push them out of your way? I can just see it... Addison Thatcher trampled his brothers in arms. They survived the war, but they stood between him and his girl." Asa scoffed.
[since Asa is being ironic here, wouldn’t he be interrupted by Addison before he finishes?]