Erotica Harem

Please don’t ‘read between the lines’ with my comments. I say what I think free of insinuations. I am a retired martial artist and retired police officer, thus I look at things differently.

I dislike the rating system. If required to do so to be advised that I rate conservatively. I am direct but always respectful.

This is one person’s opinion. Keep writing and always have fun!


Title: The Witch & The Warrior

Chapter: 1

Author: Dragon, Syphars Child

Plot: Witch hunter Lucien orders the burning at the stakes of 2 women for being witches. He keeps the other prisoner, for now, alive. Darien Quinn, I suspect soon to be a hero and lover, is a captain to the sadist.

Style & Voice: 3rd person via Quinn

Referencing:

Scene/Setting: A simpler time? Unk. era, planet, location, which, with my police background, I strongly need est. in a first chapter. I know I think and feel differently than normal people.

Characterization: Good. Enough, for the most part, to visualize w/o excess. I say 'for the most part' because of lack of info on the parents, unless this is their only appearance.

Grammar: Goood

Just My Personal Opinion: 1,626 Words. So far the story hasn't 'grabbed' or 'repulsed' me. I'd like to feel more imbedded in the POV character sooner. I feel there was just a bit of overdoing it regarding the reflection of the fire's light. On the other hand, I intend to keep reading because I'll follow a Dragon just about anywhere !~~!


Firelight flickered against the overhanging leaves of the huge oak tree, marking the center of the village square. The fluttering light lent an eerie quality to the scene. Three young women, hands bound behind their backs, stood awaiting their fate. Tears shimmered in their eyes and ran down their cheeks.

Darien Quinn’s guts twisted as he watched Grand Inquisitor Lucien Navarre pace in front of them. Two of them whimpered and cried, huddling against one another. The third stood defiant. Her hair had loosened from its braid and hung in wild tendrils around her face. His men hadn’t been gentle with her once she’d put up a fight. He rubbed at his own jaw, where she’d managed to land a good, strong punch.

The Inquisitor stopped in front of her. “Do you know what you are accused of?” The man’s domineering voice sent makes me think they went somewhere the other girls squealing with fright. The defiant one, however, raised her chin to match stares with the witch hunter. Her face glistened in the firelight.

Tears of anger, Lucien, not fear as you hoped.Is this a quote of a character or thought? Darien’s eyes remained on her. A silver pentagram and delicate dragon hung about her neck, along with a dark grey, metal-like stone shining in the glow of the fire. He was certain that Lucien would take this as an affront. Darien knew that the girl was probably so used to wearing the pendants that she hadn’t even stopped to consider them.If she's a captive and obviously there are hostilities about, would she have the spare time to consider that?

Lucien backhanded her and she stumbled, but didn’t fall. “I asked you if you knew what you are accused of.” His voice rang out across the small village. People had come out of their homes to watch the devil at work. Darien looked over the crowd. The blacksmith’s boy had alerted the witch hunter’s men to these women, so as to sooth his wounded pride and broken heart, a love potion gone wrong. He was certain that the young man had no idea what the Inquisitor would do to them.

Rebellion gleamed in the insolent sister’s eyes as blood trickled from the corner of her mouth. She regained her composure, blinked several times, and answered in a steady, unwavering voice. “I am accused of being a witch.” Her eyes roved over the crowd, coming to rest on him. I presume 'him' is the smith's son, but I wonder if it's someone else who is yet to enter the story. Their eyes met and held for a moment before she returned hers to the Inquisitor.

The master witch hunter’s lips curled into a snarl. “And are you?”

He was a sadistic bastard who enjoyed pain. One thing Darien knew firsthand. Even though he tired of watching innocent young women pay for the stupidity of their friends and family, he had yet to defy the man ever again. 'ever again' seems out of place/confusing.

“That depends. What is a witch?” The fire in her dark eyes and the flare of her nostrils told Darien she’d fight Lucien at every turn. The result would only lead to her death.

Lucien stepped forward, his face mere inches from hers. “Don’t even pretend you can play games with me. It is a long journey to the city. Hard to tell what might happen in that time.” He turned to face Darien.

“Captain, these two,” he paused to sneer at the huddled girls, “will burn here.” He turned to the insolent young woman. “This one,” his jaw clenched, “we’ll take to stand for trial.”

He allowed his eyes to slide shut. If, she lives that long.

Lucien took several steps back toward the guards before her voice rang out.

“No! Wait!”

A smile lifted the corner of Inquisitor's mouth. “Yes?” His face was a mask of anticipation.

She squeezed her eyes shut and twisted her neck in a show of unwilling defeat. “I am the witch you seek.” She opened her eyes and looked to a man and woman, who wept uncontrollably. I expected she'd say the others are innocent; spare them.

Their parents, Darien realized.

“Burn them.” His sharp, cold eyes made Darien shiver. “The witch confessor will go to the city. Perhaps she’ll give us some information before dying at the stake.”

He strolled into the dark, leaving Darien and his men to do the dirty work. He returned his attention to where the young woman stood her ground. She closed her eyes again, but the tears continued to stream down her cheeks. The other two screamed and kicked as the guards dragged them toward a pyre built close to the fire already burningNot needed. Also, I understand 'pyre' to be a fire. Correct? If so, then there's a pyre (fire) close to a fire?. The animalistic sounds of the older woman crying for her daughters carried into the night. The father stood as stalwart as his fearless daughter did. Until now, Darien had never witnessed such boldness against Inquisitor Navarre. He smiled grimly to himself. If only I had as much courage.

The guards tied the two girls to a post sticking up from the center of the pyre. Are you using a diff. definition of 'pyre'? besides 'fire'? Their sister slumped to her knees. Her eyes pleaded with him to do something, to stop the madness, but he remained where he was. The men jumped from the platform. One of them lit a torch from the fire and turned to touch it to the kindling at the base. The flames started small, but in a matter of a few moments, they grew into an inferno.

The witch climbed to her feet and ran toward the blaze. He rushed forward, catching her around the waist, his steel-gloved hands holding her back.

She struggled in his grasp, trying to tear free. “Let me go!”

“They’re already dead. There’s nothing you can do,” he growled out as he fought to hold her there.

The flames licked at the girls’ skirts and up their legs. They screamed and cried out for their mother, father, and sister. The fire and smoke continued to consume the cloth, hair, and flesh. Their wails grew hoarse and soon they choked on the thick smoke, unable to call for help. The fire consumed their bodies and the tortured, garbled moans of death carried into the night air, leaving the stench of burnt hair and flesh.

The daring sister’s body slumped against his metal chest plate. She trembled in his arms as she lamented her sisters. He lowered her to the ground and held her as she wept. The silent villagers, who knew no one spoke in the presence of a witch hunter, unless asked, quietly returned home. The girls’ parents remained. His eyes met the father’s gaze. There was a strange light in the older man’s eyes. He was about to speak when Lucien returned.

“Captain, that girl is a prisoner, not a barmaid to get friendly with. Lock her in the prison wagon. We leave at dawn.” He then turned to the grieving parents. “I should burn you two for bringing these demons into the world.”

The mother gasped loudly and buried her face in her husband’s chest. He gave Lucien a cold stare, but didn’t back down. His eyes came to rest on Darien again before leading his wife away.

“Did you hear me, Darien?”

He clenched his jaw. The hatred he felt for the man bubbled to the surface, but he kept it buried, as he always did. “Come on.” He stood, pulled her to her feet, and led her toward the iron barred wagon.

Her voice was quiet, subdued. “What will happen to me?”

“That’s up to the Inquisitor, but most probably torture and death.” He cut her bonds, and then opened the door. She climbed the steps into the space, making her way to the front. She slid down the wall, pulling her knees to her chest. The defiance from earlier was gone. He locked the door and turned to leave.

As he walked away, she whispered something he couldn’t make out. He was exhausted and dreaded returning to the tavern they’d overtaken for their stay. Lucien wouldn’t let him forget that he’d overstepped his bounds by stopping the woman from joining her sisters or comforting her.

And, he was right.

Lucien waited for him, seated in the corner, facing the door. “Ah, there you are. I thought perhaps you might have defied me and taken your pleasure with the witch. You seem quite taken with her.” He swirled the deep red liquor around the bottom of his glass and took a sip. “I must say, you do have excellent taste in your women. I might try that beauty myself before we reach the city.”

“I’m tired…Lucien. I refuse to rise to your taunts tonight. I’ll be ready to move out at dawn as you’ve ordered.” He continued past the other man and climbed the stairs to his room.
Slumping to the bed, he pulled off his gloves and unfastened the chest plate. After sliding it, and the back piece off, he let them fall to the floor and tossed his gauntlets on top of them.

The bed was soft and comfortable, but he couldn’t sleep. The image of the rebellious young woman stuck with him. Her dark hair, fiery eyes, and the way she stood up to Lucien, left him wishing he were a stronger man. He hadn’t witnessed anyone defy the Inquisitor like that in some time. She’d even confessed to being a witch to save her sisters.