Erotica Harem

Title:

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Author: oregonboi

Plot:

Josh talks about his frustrations with his best friend/next door neighbor Rachel. As a good friend, she listens to him and divvies up advice as she sees fit.

No gaps or holes in the plot.

Style & Voice:

This chapter is told in third person from Josh’s point of view. I didn’t notice any head-hops or changes in pov.

Scene/Setting:

This is set in Rachel’s bedroom. Good descriptions of the girly stuff! LOL

Characters:

Rachel is a young woman who lives next door to Josh. She’s Jewish and so she dispenses advice based on her background. She apparently loves Josh very much to listen to him and not judge him for his yearnings. She actually sounds a little jealous.

Just My Personal Opinion:

Very good chapter, David! Your writing is improving so much!

My favorite line: Funny thing though, I have no recollection of you telling me that little tidbit. I don’t know why I like it so much but to me it stood out.

Alex

Grammar:

Very good. Just a few comma inserts needed. I had a couple of word change suggestions, too.


Josh cut right and strode up the walkway to Rachel’s home past the manicured lawn and shaped bushes. He couldn’t remember Rachel and her family not living next door to him. He craved wine, or beer or something. [This sentence seems out of place since the first two mention Rachel. The third needs to connect with them somehow. Is Rachel a friend where he can sit and talk with her while drinking a beer or a glass of wine perhaps? If so, use that connection to tie it into the rest of the paragraph. If not, use it as another paragraph. ]


"Okay [Add comma here.] honey." Mr. Silverman's voice drifted back. “Hi Josh.”

Josh called back, “Hi [Add comma here.] Mr. and Mrs. Silverman.”


She held his hands and squeezed. "It's not fair [Add comma here.] Josh."



"Of course, mom blew up, twisted my words and said I was gay. I did stand up to her, somewhat. I {re:said she knew I re:said [Think of using “I told her…” for the second ‘I said…’. {e:smile}] bi, not gay, sexual identity is genetically linked, and I got it from either her side or dad's side of the family."


"Thank you [Add comma here.] Doctor Rachel." Her words soothed him. “I don’t have a problem with booze.”


"You're Your dad won't. He'll know it's confidential. Send your mom an E-mail e-mail [I don’t think is capitalized.] so it can be used against her in a court of law."

"G-night. G’ night! Thanks." Josh turned his head back and yelled, "Goodnight [Add comma here.] Mr. and Mrs. Silverman."




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