Erotica Harem

Title:

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Author: KDM-1984

Plot:

Alistair makes a dreaded but important errand to Avoy’s General Store. His wife has left him but so far no one other than Alistair knows. While shopping, he purchases a newspaper and sees the advertisement for a new teacher, male, requesting room and board.

Alistair orders a response to the advertisement, his curiosity is piqued.

No gaps or holes in the plot.

Referencing:

Rural Georgia in the late 1800’s. I didn’t note any discrepancies.

Style & Voice:

This chapter is told in third person from Alistair’s point of view. I didn’t notice any head-hops or changes in pov.

Scene/Setting:

This chapter takes place in the general store in Avoy, Georgia. Good descriptions of the store. I made a suggestion to add to the smells of the store. See my comment in the line-by-line below.

Characters:

Alistair Sampson is the main character. He is young, rich and recently single, after his wife left him for reasons that haven’t been mentioned yet. The idea of a young, single man coming to town has his curiosity up.

Mr. Mayberry is the elderly storekeeper of the general store. He’s kind of a busybody because he presses Alistair for details about his personal life. No doubt a link in the town’s gossip chain.

Just My personal Opinion:

I read the synopsis despite the warnings about spoilers. I like the beginning of the story and how you’ve described Alistair battling his demons. Great job!

Alex

Grammar:

Very good! I had a few suggestions below:

With a shake of his head, Alistair turned to snake his way around to the back of the store, stepping over crates of chickens, seeds, tools and other farming equipment, inhaling the deep, musky smell of cedar and seeds. [And chicken poop? If he has live animals in his store there’s going to be a stench as well.]

Not wanting to ask for the sewing equipment, he nervously found it himself. He needed new winter clothes and his wife had left him, taking her re:sewing basket with her. Alistair was about to try something he had never attempted before—re:sewing [re: = repeated words. Maybe the second time you could say “…something he had never attempted before – mending his own clothes. Just a suggestion. ]

“Did you not hear?” He paused to casually lean against the counter. “Alice became quite ill a few weeks ago. The doctor couldn’t find the problem, so I bought her a ticket to Virginia to see her parents. Perhaps, there is [x}a{/x} someone up north that can help her?”

A slight nod from the clerk and nothing more. Alistair frowned at the curt gesture, then sighed with relief when nothing else was mentioned. Thank goodness the bitch didn’t reveal the real reason she was leaving the town. For days afterward, he kept a loaded shotgun by him at all times, expected a fiery mob of angry farmers descending upon him at any time. As the days passed in pristine silence, it hit him that Alice was too embarrassed to tell anyone what she had witnessed that day by the stream of water running along their property. What does a man tell his wife? He couldn’t exactly lie,[Change comma to a period. Start the next sentence with ‘The…] the evidence spoke for itself.


“Ya know that little school about a twenty-minute walk from your house? They need a new teacher. That old one, what’s her name, Miss Walker?" Mr. Mayberry pressed a finger to his chin. "Well, she up and got married in the summer and school can’t start until a new one is found, seems some college professor from up nawth took the job.” [It’s funny that an old shopkeeper would refer to someone else as old! LOL Miss Walker can’t be too old if she got married?]


Alistair hastily gathered up his belongings. “Don’t mention it,” he spat. Good-lord [Remove hyphen.], he literally went from poor to rich when his father struck gold in California.

Sauntering out into the hot sun, Alistair made a beeline for his wagon. God, it could rain for once! He had a treacherous journey back to his ranch and the sun wasn't sinking anytime soon. You’ve got to make this trip again in a few weeks to pick-up the school teacher. Alistair smiled as he thought of the ‘mystery man.’ The teacher was obviously unmarried, or he wouldn’t be leaving Boston. For this reason alone, Alistair wanted to reply. The words: Twenty-five, unmarried, male, schoolteacher.[Remove period.] made him feel optimistic because he was also twenty-five and recently single.


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