Erotica Harem

Title:

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Author: oregonboi

Plot:

Josh tells his parents that he’s bi, and his mother freaks out. His father doesn’t. Josh and Nick clean up the dishes and then go for a walk. Nick tells his son why his mother is so hateful. She blames Josh for the death of her dearest sister. Nick also tells him about the hereditary disease that affects the women in his mother’s side of the family.

It’s too much for Josh to bear so his father suggests he go talk to his best friend Rachel.

No gaps or holes in the plot.

Referencing:

Modern day, in St. James, California.

Style & Voice:

This chapter is told in third person from Josh’s point of view. I didn’t notice any head-hops or changes in pov.

Characters:

No new characters were added in this story. We do have some character development of Maria, Josh’s mother. We now know why she’s so bitchy.

Scene/Setting:

Good descriptions of the neighborhood when Nick and Josh take their walk.

Just My Personal Opinion:

Good chapter. I like the way you display the relationship between Josh and his father. Great job!

Puppy Face

Grammar:

Very good! I had just a few word change suggestions.


" They'll [Remove space after quotation mark.] all learn to be afraid of you, too. Find a nice intelligent girl that's good for more than just sex, we'll have a proper wedding and you can give me some grandchildren before I die."


"No. It's fact and statistics. Look how many cases your office handles. Divorce is a big part of the firm's income. It's an issue in psychology and that's what I learned in college. I am a psych major." [His mother probably knows that but here is a good place for Josh to get in another dig. Perhaps he could say something like “Did you remember that?”]


Their stares locked, neither blinking until he looked down. The music stopped as the CDs shuffled. A waft of vanilla from the candle passed by hung in the air.. Josh took a calming breath. His mind shifted to baseball.

“And you think your little hate-everyone-except-yourself church has the right one, huh? My god God doesn’t play favorites or hate that which he made. I came from the factory this way. I didn’t choose to be bi anymore than anyone chooses to be straight.”

“If you’d read the bible [Capitalize.]…”

Josh shouted her quiet, [I’m not quite sure I know what this phrase means.] “When I want to read fiction I’ll read my romance stories, thank you!” He hated that she got to him again.


"I'm six foot two, two hundred pounds. I'm way to too big for that anymore."


Sounding like a small animal herd they hoofed downstairs. Maria was neither in sight nor sound. Nick got storage items out and set them on the counter. Josh transferred the meatballs and sausage into containers and gave each a blanket of tomato sauce. Everything else was refrigerated. [This makes it sound like the meatballs and sausage with tomato sauce weren’t refrigerated. Why not?]


They stepped outside, turned left past Rachel’s house next door, and up the slight incline. Josh’s mind roared with thoughts and emotions.[What kinds of thoughts and emotions are roaring through his mind. Let the reader know what Josh is thinking, not just that he is thinking. ] The upper middle class neighborhood thrived with new cars.

"I'm not going to try to force you to believe she loves you and for now, let’s leave me out of it. Do you remember when you were ten and Aunt Diana died? Aunt Diana died when you were ten?"


Josh jerked to a stop and faced his dad. "That's not my fault. I didn't know. I wasn't bad on purpose. Dad[Insert comma.] how can that..."


"Does mom [Capitalize.] have it?"


"Dad and I are out walking. I'll re:run down."

"Okay."

Josh flipped his phone closed; Nick spoke. “I heard. Go re:run down [Repeated words.] there. I'm still too full to jog."

His dad’s face beamed. “Not me, someone else, but remember your history of Greek and Roman societies.” [What does this mean? Is it a euphemism?]



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