Erotica Harem

Item reviewed: Demeter Project, Epilogue, by Max Griffin


Line by line

>> Brent recognized the scent of Rachel's perfume even before she walked through the door of the coffee shop. <<

Great opening line. I love it. It uses the sense of smell, and it has a delightful literary feel.


>> He opened his arms for a hug, but when she stiffened he changed to a handshake. <<

Why did she stiffen? It seems out of character. She has always been warm and friendly. At least that's my memory of her. Maybe because I like her so much I invented that personality characteristic.


>> Brent chuckled and tried to relax. <<

He was tense at the beginning also (after the initial attempt at a hug). I wondered then what his problem was, and I still wonder. Maybe a sentence of thought as soon as we learn he is tense would help avoid the confusion.


>> While Jason opened the envelope, Rachel gushed, "It's the letter from the Pulitzer Committee, informing you of your nomination for your article in Vanity Fair."
Jason frowned and leaned back in his chair. "It didn't win." <<

This totally confused me. How did she get the letter? Did he lose his copy and she got it replaced? No, that makes no sense. And how does he know it didn't win? The nomination just arrived, so the contest has not even taken place yet. I am totally confused with this exchange.


>> "Your article was what blew the lid off everything. That bastard Holmes and his slimy boss Stillwell were so well connected, they could have buried everything <<

EVERYTHING repeats


>> So who wound going to jail again? <<

Typo


>> the ringleaders of this basically got by with murder." <<

got AWAY?


>> Jason's voice turned cold and distant when he spoke. "Not that it's any of your business, but we even tried that trigger phrase <<

Why is Jason being so hostile to her? She's been strongly on their side all along, and she had nothing to do with the trigger phrase.


>> And if, by any chance you run into your father, you might be sure he knows that his little disappearing act didn't work quite as flawlessly as he thought. Understand me?"
A tidal wave of relief flooded through Brent. She knows, and she's warning us. He nodded. "I understand." <<

Okay, I've been reading this slowly, one chapter a week, which makes for massive chapter lag. Also, you know well that I am really bad with following complex plots and keeping track of things. So all of this is doubtless contributing to my massive confusion. But wow, am I ever confused. How did her statement about running into his father tell him 'she knows' something. Knows what? How? And if she knows something crucial, why does she not just come out and say it? Why is she taking a chance on subtlety? What if he misses it?


>> "Everything go okay, Son?"
"Everything's fine, Dad. Just fine." <<

Very nice twist. Still, it leaves many questions unanswered. How did they re-acquaint? Why is there so much tension with Rachel? She was their constant friend and companion through all the final action. She smuggled out the key documents in her purse. They owe it all to her.


Setting

Fine


Characters and POV

As you gathered, I did not understand many of the character interactions and responses.


Referencing

No problems


Plot

I loved the ending, with his father there. But I was totally lost through most of the chapter. Everything went over my head. I get the feeling (well, actually, I'm positive) that you cooked up some dramatic conclusion, a delightful final meshing of facts. Unfortunately, I didn't get it. I was just left with a feeling of frustration at my failure to understand so many things that you wanted me to understand.


Style/Voice

Very nice


Grammar

Excellent


My Favorite Part

I loved your first line, which was beautiful, and your closing with the father.


SUMMARY:

I'm sure that some (many? most?) people will understand this, and so I feel pretty stupid right now. But I really am lost. So many things went on under the main prose. There was constant tension between them that I did not understand. It seemed out of character and unexplained. Brent got nervous that she had guns, yet she is an agent and is expected to be armed. And why did Jason snap at her: "Not that it's any of your business..." She did not deserve that, did she?

I paused in this review and went jogging, pondering the chapter while I ran. I briefly came to the conclusion that they might be in some kind of witness protection program, but then I discarded that idea because the situation is already all blown up, so they are not in ongoing danger. The killers are all dead. The organization is out of business. The CIA has what they need, and killing Jason and Brent would gain them nothing, because the plot was published. So why is the coffle shop a 'cover' for something?

After much more thought, it occurred to me that maybe Brent and Jason are nervous about Rachel being there because Brent's father is there, and it's scary having them that close. But being nervous about her presence does not equate to being mean to her.

Except that at the opening, Brent opened his arms for a hug. So he initially welcomed her. Then his attitude changed. And she stiffened, not wanting to receive his hug. Why did she stiffen? What changed his attitude toward her?

Obviously I'm missing something important, but I think you are going to need to beat me over the head with it if I am going to understand. Sorry for being so dense!

Tim, AKA Sandy Samson

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **