Erotica Harem

Please don’t ‘read between the lines’ with my comments. I say what I think free of insinuations. I am a retired martial artist and retired police officer, thus I look at things differently.

I dislike the rating system. If required to do so to submit a review, be advised that I rate conservatively. I am direct but always respectful.

This is one person’s opinion. Keep writing and always have fun!


Title: Under a Tropical Moon

Chapter: Prologue

Author: Patricia Oshier Bruening

Plot: A woman who we later are told is Amy Fletcher, is on a beach, a vampire comes up behind her, she lets him, His energy overwhelms her and simultaneous to the vamp. biting her she has an orgasm. She awakens; sends an email to someone, likely a friend, then, I think, goes back to sleep, has another vamp dream, again on the beach, and sends another email.

Style & Voice: 3rd person via Amy

Referencing: N/A

Scene/Setting: Beach (in dream); a home or apt.

Characterization: Quite good.

Grammar: Good w/ a typo or two, but hey, who's perfect?

Just My Personal Opinion: 1,188 Words. I count as an aid to reviewing. I'm new to this genre. At first I was confused w/ thoughts or telepathy. Maybe put them in italics? I was taught rather than a prolog just start the story with the given info. I was also taught that opening with a dream was a huge rejection issue for agents/publishers. As a reader, or when watching a movie, I feel misled when I realize something was a dream vs. reality. I'm ok w/ it when I'm told or it's indicated a dream is happening. On the other hand, I'm captivated with the theme and want to know about the guy/vamp. on the beach. Anxious to read more.


Prologue

From behind, a shadow fell around her, growing larger, spreading over the sand. Arms, cool and strong, slid around her waist, fingers linking across her stomach. Delicious tingles raised goose bumps on her skin as dark thrills spiraled deep inside. Who? She tried to turn, to see who caused her stomach to flutter on a wave of sensual awareness. His arms tightened, pulling her back against solid muscle.

Adrenaline bubbled in her blood. I'm so glad u wrote it this way. SO many say adrenaline surged, or whatever, thru the veins, but it should be arteries cuz they deliver goodies to the body's cells. Blood is an excell. way to say it. This is a peeve of mine. I feel better for mentioning it. Thank you for listening! His bare chest rubbed her back every time he drew breath. That skin-tingling friction blew any thought of fear out of her mind.

Do not fear me. Both command and plea, those four the count seems to be from an author. I think most people would not count words, esp. in an emotional setting. This is a tiny issue. words whispered in her mind, a slow caress scorching her senses. Nerves sizzled and popped under her skin. His arms squeezed harder as he gathered her closer, nuzzling her neck. Tension crackled the air around them. Teeth grazed her skin, a light scrape of exquisite torture. Shivers rippled through her and her thighs clenched, liquid heat dampening the curls between her legs.

“Who are you?” she whispered, wanting to turn and look at the man who ignited this fiery passion.

One who needs you. That declaration echoed in her mind—persuasive, seductive. I'm mostly a virgin to vamp stuff. It seems there's a telepathy here. I read 'mind—persuasive' as a hyphenated word twice, on the 3rd read I realized the mental thought was persuasive & seductive. Maybe a colon vs. hyphen to make it clearer? His voice flowed over her senses like warm honey. If it's telepathy, is it his voice? Maybe another word? She tilted her head, arching her neck to offer easier access. Teeth grazed her skin once more as firm lips settled over the throbbing vein.

Oh please, she begged though she didn’t know for what. Ummmmmm, other than the comments above, I'm already into the story....I can see myself in the character.

In time, he murmured in her mind, casting a spell of such deep sensuality her pussy clenched. Hot and moist, his tongue slid over her neck in a streak of fire.

Her knees went weak and she curled her fingers over his arm, leaning harder on him. He supported her easily, both arms wrapped around her, fingers gliding over the dip of her waist. Shivers tore through her, melting any lingering resistance.

Oh, god, I want… “Let me see you,” she moaned and tried to turn.

In time, he whispered, sliding into her mind, merging with her. Since I'm new to this genre, I wonder if it's common to write telepathy, (that's what I'm calling it) like this. Maybe "he whispered into her mind"?

Teeth grazed, tongue stroked, and fangs penetrated as his mouth clamped over the pulse beating under her skin. Pain shot through her, a blinding flash, and faded into an erotic wave of longing.

Oh, Jesus. She groaned as her head lolled on his shoulder. He suckled, drawing blood from her veins, technically I suspect it's only 1 vein life from her spirit. I should be horrified, she thought on a languid note. But… Pleasure crashed over her, blinding ecstasy exploding deep inside as just the simple tug of his mouth on her neck shot her into orgasm.

Vision blurring, she gasped for breath, clutching the hard muscular arm across her stomach. Above he wrapped both arms around her and I think interlaced his fingers, but this is the 2nd ref. (I think) to a single arm; unless I missed something Her heart stuttered and the world darkened around her.



Amy Fletcher stilled her fingers on the keyboard for a long moment, heart racing under the impact of the sensual yet horrifying dream she’d just put "put" seems wrong here. How about "...that she'd just recounted / detailed / etc." in the body of an email. Closing her eyes, she transported back into that vivid scene, pulse pounding as blood roared in her ears.

She opened her eyes and sucked in a deep breath, flexing her fingers before typing. It was so real, so clear—like it actually happened! Is that an en- or em-dash? I'm reading it as a hypen, as above, and makes me re-read the sentence, taking me out of the story. Great scene for an erotic horror story. What do you think? Is this a thought? Telepathic communication? Part of the email? She clicked the icon to send the email to Charli and minimized the web browser to the icon tray at the bottomI think not needed; understood of the screen.

The cursor blinked at the end of the last sentence on the page of text displayed. That quick, an overactive imagination plunged her back into fantasy. It continued, racing through her mind as her fingers clacked on the keyboard, struggling to keep up with her thoughts.



The moon lit the sand in a cool blue light. Ocean waves moved in and out in a slow rhythm, like the heart beat of the earth. Palm fronds swished a steady cadence in the breeze. The tangy sent spelling: scent of seawater stung her nose. She wandered along the beach to a secluded cove where a bonfire burned.

No one appeared to be around. Who lit this thing? She looked around and continued toward the fire.

Please, join me… A deep masculine voice swirled through her head.

Reaching the huge orange flames, she found no one. She glanced around and a chill ran down her spine. Her heart thudded in her chest.

He stepped from the shadows and walked toward her. I’ve been waiting for you. He was tall and muscular with ebon spelling? hair that brushed across his shoulders in gentle waves. He wore nothing but black silk lounge pants.

“For me?” She asked aloud, confused. Her eyes darted from him to the empty beach. “Where is everyone?”

He materialized a few feet from her and she jumped. “There is no one else here, only us.” His voice sang with a seductive tone and his eyes flashed emerald fire. “Please, sit. Have a drink with me.”

Some quality in his voice sent desire roiling through her veins. A familiar tingle tightened her belly. “Please. Come. Sit.”

He took her hand and led her to a blanket, where a bottle of wine or champagne waited in a bucket of ice with two glasses.

She frowned. That wasn’t there before. “I’m not sure I should be here. I don’t even know you.”

With lightening quickness, he tugged her against him. “Shh. You will.” He whispered in her ear, his breath sending electric sparks along every nerve. His lips found her earlobe and sucked it into his mouth.

She gasped and moaned at the exquisite pleasure.

His tongue roamed down her jaw and throat to the thrumming pulse. “You smell so sweet. I bet your blood tastes like nectar…” His whisper took her into a trance, a flash of desire shooting through her.

She turned her head, allowing him better access to her throat. His teeth grazed along the vein before fangs sank deep. The pain made her cry out and yet the pleasure made her cum…



Charli shot upward in, panting and clutching the sheets. Sweat broke out all over her body. Rubbing her eyes, she recalled the dream. Damn, that’s the last time I eat chili before bed.

She laid back and stared at the ceiling, dark in early dawn. She wanted to go back to sleep, but the dream nagged at her. I’ve got to email Amy with this.

Heading for the kitchen, she turned her computer on and made her way to heat some water for her morning cappuccino. at 1st it seemed she went to the kitchen and then turned the computer on....maybe clarify on the way to the kitchen she turned it on. She returned to the living room with a steaming cup and sat at her computer.

Opening her email program, she began typing the dream before she forgot the whole thing. She also opened her instant messenger in case Amy might be online.