Erotica Harem

Title:

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Author: oregonboi

Plot:

Joshua treats his parents to a homemade Italian dinner to celebrate their thirtieth wedding anniversary. His father is friendly and easy to get along with but his mother is distant and unapproving.

He works hard to create the perfect meal. His father enjoys it and compliments him but his mother doesn’t.

At the end of the chapter, Josh asks his mother why she hates him.

No gaps or holes in the plot.

Style & Voice:

Told in third person from Josh’s point of view. I didn’t notice any head-hops or changes in pov.

Characters:

Joshua is a twenty-year old college student celebrating his parents’ thirtieth anniversary. He prays that everything goes okay, because he is trying hard to impress him.

Nick is Josh’s father. He is a successful construction executive and very proud of his son.

Maria is Josh’s mother. She is a successful lawyer and wants Josh to take over the family business. She is pushy, trying to get him to succeed.

Scene/Setting:

This chapter takes place in Joshua’s apartment. Good descriptions!

Just My personal Opinion:

At the end of the chapter, Josh asks his mother why she hates him. I didn’t get the impression that Maria hated him, just that she just didn’t approve anything he did. She wants him to inherit the family law firm, which doesn’t sound like she hates him. At twenty, I’m sure that Maria is still stinging from his teenager years and hasn’t seen anything worthwhile in him yet. Remember she mentions that he’ll be a top-notch lawyer and intelligent?

If you want Josh to ask that question, think about putting some more animosity between mother and son.

Alex

Grammar:

See line-by-line below:



His mother managed to peer over the newspaper for a moment. Josh’s heart sank. [Why does Josh’s heart sink when his mother peers over the newspaper?]

He trotted back to the large family kitchen and stood with his hands on his hips feeling so comfortable there, the only kitchen, and house, he’d lived in. His nostrils flared as he sniffed the room like a search dog, proud of his creations. Um, fantastic. Like a regular Italian restaurant. He grabbed the wall phone and dialed. Come on, Rachael, answer, answer.

A gray voice announced, "This is Rachel, the perennial virgin. Leave a message." A three-second burst of classical music preceded a beep.

[I added a return here to separate the answering machine speaking and then Josh.]
"Hey, ten minutes until I serve them dinner. Call me later. Wish me luck, [Change comma to a period and start a new sentence with ‘Oh,…] oh, please change that message." He hung up.


Maria took a sip of wine and set her glass down. "Actually, the Caymus is your dad's favorite. I prefer the Joseph Phelps."

Josh jumped to his feet. "Oh, I'm sorry, mom. I'll get a bottle for you." His voice softened.

"No, don't bother on my account. I can drink this." She took another sip. "This is good, just not my favorite."

[This sounds like my mother.]


Josh warmed inside. “Thanks, dad. I love it when you call me that.” He scanned his mom. "You know [Insert comma.] mom, you're still very beautiful.


"Aw [Insert comma] mom, I don't have many girlfriends."





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