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Title: Prayer and Prey
Chapter: One
Author: Vampyr 14

Plot: Alice and William meet for the first time.

Style/Voice: 3rd person, 1st part in Alice's POV, 2nd in William's POV

Characters: Alice, William, Jack

Grammar: See line comments

Setting: fine

Overall: Try using stronger words for look and felt. Watch out for unneeded dialogue tags too. I think I sense a start of a love triangle, but I could be wrong. I liked the ending hook.

A gentle rain fell from the heavy, grey sky and caught in her hair. The light gleamed through the droplets that clung to the dark strands escaping her hairpins. She stepped away from the ship and allowed other passengers to pass her as she scanned the dock, unsure what she was looking for. She had never met William Heller and knew little about him, despite the letters they had exchanged over the past year.

Heavy in the first sentence seems out of place since it's only a gentle rain. That adjective would be more suitable for describing a storm. Instead of looking try searching.

Inside, Alice felt her stomach churning with anxiety and she fought to keep it from her face. How could this man be the husband-to-be she had sailed across the globe to be with? His letters, while short, had wooed her with their elegance, but this overweight, ugly man bore none. So old too! Alice had celebrated her twenty-first birthday days before leaving for Australia. This gentleman must be at least twice her age. She struggled to compose her face, fighting the dismay that threatened to overwhelm her.

A comma is needed after anxiety.

Today was Saturday. Or at least, Alice felt pretty certain it was Saturday. Aboard ship every day was the same, and time held little meaning. She knew the New Year had begun - a week ago the seasick passengers had gathered in the salon to give 1886 a muted welcome. In three days she would be married. She had not expected it to be so quick, but supposed it would be improper for her to travel with him unless they were husband and wife. She brushed damp hair from her forehead as William held open the door of a carriage for her, holding out a meaty hand to help her climb aboard.

A comma is needed after days.

“This is Jack,” he told her, gesturing to the man holding the horses’ reins. “He is one of my most trustworthy and loyal hands. Jack, this is the soon-to-be Mrs. William Heller.”

Drop told her and try "He gestured to the man holding the horses' reins."

That part was easy, William thought. Being with her now, face to face, he found daunting. She was so pretty, so young and delicate. The women William saw were strong, coarse women; women who used language as colourful and foul as any man. William realized he would have to watch his tongue. He could only imagine Alice’s horror at hearing the language he was accustomed to on the station. He would have to speak to the station hands as soon as they got home, make sure they watched their tongues around his wife.

In the second sentence, try "She was so pretty, young, and delicate."

“Shall we?” she asked with a bright smile as she stepped into the shadowy hallway and took his arm once more.

Drop she asked and try "With a bright smile, she stepped into the shadowy hallway and took his arm." You can drop the once more too.

Sister of Mercy