Show and Tell Contest

Jack cursed as an errant twig from an untrimmed hedge snagged his shirt sleeve. He tugged gently but the plant refused to relinquish its hold. Pulling harder, he managed to pull the sleeve free, but the twig held on as long as possible, leaving a small tear in the fabric.I can cetainly see this happen.

“Damn it,” he muttered, fingering the rip. Glancing up he saw a bench in the sun and decided he could assess the damage in a brighter light than the shade of the trees.Not really sure why he wantsto inspect it so closely though

“This was supposed to be a nice walk in the park to get my mind off of things and this happens,” he grumbled, taking a seat on the sun-warmed bench. Before he could examine the tear, the sound of high-pitched shrieks and screams of laughter assaulted his ears. He turned toward the offensive noises behind him. “This just gets better and better,” Jack snarled. “Of all the benches in the park, I find the one next to the kiddie pool.” Sighing in frustration, he sat back and closed his eyes, pondering his sorry situation.Talking to himself is a bit clunky

I’m forty, unmarried and unemployed, he thought. Unmarried means no wife to mend my shirt and unemployed means no money to buy a new one. He sat in the sun, listening to the annoying rug rats in the pool behind him, but not having the motivation to leave.definitely telling A huffing sound snapped him out of his sulk.So far i can see him doing al this pretty well,but I'm not that enagged by him as a character. The point of showing is surely to allow the reader to connect to the character and his experiences, but the choices you've made here, his sulking and self-pity have been more off-putting for me so far

A young woman was jogging in his direction. He caught the sight of her toned abs, peeking out from between her shorts and sports top and the rip in his shirt was forgotten.telling and possibly pov violation He watched her ample bosom rise and fall with each step. The cacophony behind him faded into nothingness as the fanny pack strapped around her waist wiggled from side to side. nice way to bring the fanny pack into the story. Her face was drenched with sweat but the perspiration couldn’t diminish the effect of her almond-shaped eyes, high cheek bones and red, pouting lips. What effect?

She glanced up with a pained expression and locked eyes with him. His breath caught in his throat and his face heated up. Jack looked away.

He realized he was sitting in the middle of the bench. An idea occurred to him. He scooted to one side and then ventured a glance at the woman who was almost adjacent to him. He waved his hand, indicating the empty space on the bench and hoped she would accept.

It seemed to him she did. Seeemed? Not sure what this means. She slowed to a walk, panting heavily and approached the bench. She smiled at him and placed a foot on the seat. While she stretched her shapely legs, Jack ran an appreciative eye over the curve of her hips and buttocks, the beautiful profile that reminded him a lot of –

Oh, no. Not my ex-wife, he thought angrily. He snapped his head around away from the young lady. When will I finally be rid of that skanky, low-life, two-timing…

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her studying him, as if trying to figure out why he invited her to the bench but hadn’t spoke to her.

Jack couldn’t bring himself to say something to her. He regretted his actions now and turned to leave. As he started to rise, a movement and a flash of color in the woman’s fanny pack caught his attention.

To Jack’s utter amazement, a pair of red eyes peered at him from the shadows of the fanny pack. His astonishment turned to fear when the creature’s blue head raised up and revealed horns, which pushed the flap of the pack open.

The woman let out a cry of alarm. She shoved the creature back inside the fanny pack. She took off running at a pace much faster than her jogging. good, much easier to show what someone's doingwhen they're actually doing something

Without a thought, Jack jumped up and ran after her. What am I doing? He asked himself. What will I do if I catch her? Demand to see the thing in her fanny pack? Ask her to dinner? She’ll just think I’m a pervert.

Questions and thoughts raced through his mind. He began to think it was all for nothing because she was far ahead of him. His flabby body and short legs were no match for the lean woman with long, muscular gams.

With his lungs gasping for air and his heart pounding so hard he couldn’t hear, Jack slowed to a walk. He watched as the woman kept running. Just before she rounded a curve in the path that would take her out of his sight, a large man stepped out from behind a tree, blocking her. The woman stopped abruptly and nearly ran into him. I also think this line is problematic She backed away.

Jack couldn’t hear what was being said but he saw the man point at her fanny pack. She put her hands over it as if protecting it and its passenger. She shook her head vigorously. The man advanced a step but she backed away again.

Jack wanted to get closer to find out what was going on but he was too exhausted to move. The man’s suit and tie didn’t seem intimidating, but Jack noted with concern his size, the huge scar across his cheek and the hook in place of his right hand. I think the big man could have been described better, and probably earlier when he first appeared.

What should I do?