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by TimM Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ · Message Forum · Contest · #1722332

Rewrite my telly scene in showy deep POV and win an upgraded year at WDC

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Dec 17, 2010 at 8:40pm
#2175653
Re: Review of Sunglasses
by A Non-Existent User
Hmm,

Alex made some good catches in review that I missed.
However, as much as i love & fear him, I disagree with:
Fear and adrenaline surged through Jack. His anal sphincter tightened [Here is a place where telling is much better than showing! LOL] as his heart pumped at trauma level.
How is it any more "telling" than the rest of the sentence of?: as his heart pumped at trauma level

I admit I'm a bit emotionally involved cuz as I wrote in my review, I remem reading about that when people got killed in the book The Godfather. I was a VERY impressionable young man back then in the late 60s.

Other opinions that agree w/ me are welcome!!!

Sweet Lovable David
MESSAGE THREAD
Review of Sunglasses · 12-17-10 2:25pm
by A Non-Existent User
*Star* Re: Review of Sunglasses · 12-17-10 8:40pm
by A Non-Existent User
Re: Re: Review of Sunglasses · 12-19-10 9:25am
by A Non-Existent User
Re: Re: Re: Review of Sunglasses · 12-20-10 3:30pm
by A Non-Existent User
Re: Re: Review of Sunglasses · 12-19-10 9:52am
by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon
Re: Re: Re: Review of Sunglasses · 12-20-10 3:37pm
by A Non-Existent User

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