Show and Tell Contest

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Author: Unidentified



Jack cursed and stuck a finger through the hole where he’d snagged his shirt on an exposed nail at the job site. He’d left mad as hell at life, at the nail, at Susan. If she hadn’t left him, he’d still be working at her father’s bank, not as some construction worker. He headed straight here to the park. [There’s a gap here. If he’s angry, why does he go to the park? Does the park make him feel better?]

He wandered past the kiddie pool. He usually enjoyed spending time here, but today the sun was too bright and there were too many happy people. If Susan hadn’t divorced him, he’d run home and change his shirt. There was no way he was returning to the dingy hotel room he was renting by the week just to change into a shirt that wasn’t torn, but probably had a week’s worth of grime on it. He plopped down onto the first bench he came to, still sticking his finger through the hole. He glanced around. How can everyone be so damned happy?

That was when he noticed the pretty blonde woman. [This sentence pulled me out of the story.] She was dressed in pink jogging shorts that showed off her long legs and a white tank top that contrasted with tanned skin. [Passive voice.] One of those silly fanny pack type bags was fastened around her waist. It appeared to be stuffed full. As she approached, he could see that her cheeks were a deep crimson as though she’d run full out part of the way here. Her breath breasts(?) heaved and her feet seemed to grow heavy. He caught her eye and motioned to the bench next to him.

She sat and gave him a slight smile. He smiled back, but her resemblance to Susan stopped him from speaking to her. She looked away and glanced around as if looking for someone. Jack cursed under his breath. You’re such a loser, stupid ass.

He took a deep breath and decided to at least mention how nice the day was. Turning back to her he noticed movement in the little pack at her hip. The flap on it pushed open and a little blue head with red eyes and horns popped out. Jack’s heart lurched and he slid off the bench landing on his butt. What the hell?

The woman gasped, shoved the little creature back into the pack, jumped up and sprinted away. [The woman was looking away a second ago. What causes her to notice the creature peeking out from the fanny pack? Was it the movement of the creature? Was it Jack falling on his butt?]

“Wait!” Jack scrambled to his feet and rushed after her. He topped a hill she’d disappeared over just a moment before. A giant of a man stepped out from behind a tree, blocking her way. She took several steps backward and peered around as if looking for an escape route.
Jack’s heart beat a furious cadence in his chest. On one hand, he wanted to just turn and run, pretend what he saw never happened, but another part of him told him to be a man and help the woman. Besides, he had to know what that creature was in her pack. He’d never seen anything like it. He watched for a moment more and then, with a deep breath, he started down the hill [Toward the woman and the man? Or away from them?]




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