Show and Tell Contest

Title:

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Author: Anonymous



Jack plodded along the narrow park trail as the sun beat down. Why didn’t I bring my sunglasses? Hell, why don’t I do a lot of things? Is my life cursed? He shifted to his right to allow a gaggle of women pushing baby strollers more access to the path. His gaze locked on them until they passed. [Up to this point, we know what Jack is thinking and it reflects his mood, but here I don’t know what he’s thinking. When he locks his gaze onto the women, is he angry? Does one of them seem attractive to him? Is he put out because he had to move? Or did he move out of courtesy? ] His foot hit the edge of the asphalt taking upsetting his balance. A tree stopped his stumble but the sharp point of a broken branch tore his shirtsleeve and scratched his arm. “Shit. What else will befall me? I’m forty but feel fourteen, awkward and unsure.” He rubbed his arm and hoped the women were too far past to have heard him.

The peace of the cloud-spackled sky calmed him along with deep breaths, as his counselor [What counselor?] taught him. He continued on, making a mental note to call the park authority about the tree branch. Water and wet footprints around the kiddie wadding pool evidenced recent activity. He flashed back to his happy youth and a joy of swimming. Damn, when did my life turn sour? The nearby bench seemed to call to him. He sat and scanned the near-empty park. Nature always soothed his aching heart.

At a distance a jogger approached. Soon the elegant figure of a young woman closed the distance between them. She wore loose, shiny running shorts, so popular with the current generation. The red taught T-shirt contrasted with the blue lower attire and white baseball cap. Her pert breasts teased him but his heart soon dropped at the realization of her striking semblance to his ex-wife. Ironically, this beauty wore a fanny pack with the pouch facing forward as his ex was wont to do.

She transitioned from a rapid jog to a slow walk. Sweat washed her face as she stretched her arms above her head. Even at the ten-foot distance her breaths huffed [I’m sure she was huffing long before she came within 10 feet of him. Perhaps “Even at the ten-foot distance, her breaths huffed in his ear”?] With mixed feeling, Jack motioned with a gracious hand gesture to his bench. In silence she joined him. They exchanged polite smiles.

He scanned down and began to survey forward when he hooked back. His eyes popped wide open as a small blue-headed creature appeared from the opened zipper pouch of the fanny pack. It’s round red eyes blinked and glistened. The strange green lips parted, like a human smile but black horns re:sent shivers through Jack’s body. This unearthly beast re:sent an emotional arrow through Jack’s heart. He clutched his chest. This cannot be a good thing. [re: = repeated words. Also, the sentence “This unearthly beast sent an emotional arrow…” is telling, not showing.]

The woman jumped to her feet as her hand palmed the creature into the pouch. “Oh, I’m so sorry. Please forget this.”

Jack shook his head. “It’s not possible.” [Bland. He sounds so nonchalant here. A minute ago he was scared.]

She turned and ran off across the grass and up a small hill. Jack, as though under the control of another [another what?], sped after her in a youthful vigor long absent. [This contradicts the opening paragraph where he said he felt fourteen. Although awkward and unsure, it’s still a time of youthful vigor.] He closed on her. She came to an abrupt halt as a bear of a man stepped from behind a tree, into her path. Her palms faced the bald, bearded man as though they held a power to keep him at bay. “No, oh my God, no!”

Fear and adrenaline surged through Jack. His anal sphincter tightened [Here is a place where telling is much better than showing! LOL] as his heart pumped at trauma level. The man’s jaws clenched and lips pursed. The woman back peddled. The hulk approached her. Jack stood a few feet away. Why am I doing this? [Is Jack asking why he’s standing there? He’s not really doing anything. ]


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