Show and Tell Contest

Jack cursed as an errant twig from an untrimmed hedge snagged his shirt sleeve. He tugged gently but the plant refused to relinquish its hold. Pulling harder, he managed to pull the sleeve free, but the twig held on as long as possible, leaving a small tear in the fabric. Funnily enough, David picked on the word, "errant". I have no problem with that word, as, to me, it means wayward. So I pictured a branch sticking out of an otherwise pruned hedge. My problem here was with the word "twig". To me, twig is a small part of a branch or vine or sprout, that has broken off and is dry and ready to be used as kindling. While it can still be errant, it would be detached and, therefore, unable to pull a tear into his sleeve. I only bother with this to illustrate my opinion, that language, idioms, and regionalisms can render "show vs. tell" subjective. Can't penalize someone for that, can we? Or can we. I'm asking because I don't know.

“Damn it,” he muttered, fingering the rip. Glancing up he saw a bench in the sun and decided he could assess the damage in a brighter light than the shade of the trees. I can picture this.

“This was supposed to be a nice walk in the park to get my mind off of things and this happens,” he grumbled, taking a seat on the sun-warmed bench. Lovely! I felt the sensation immediately. Even wanted to turn my face up for a few warming rays. Before he could examine the tear, the sound of To keep it more immediate, I would suggest eliminating these three words and start with >> High-pitched shrieks and screams of laughter assaulted his ears. He turned toward the offensive noises behind him. “This just gets better and better,” Jack snarled. “Of all the benches in the park, I find the one next to the kiddie pool.” Sighing in frustration, he sat back and closed his eyes, pondering his sorry situation.

I’m forty, unmarried and unemployed, he thought. Unmarried means no wife to mend my shirt and unemployed means no money to buy a new one. You can mend it yourself, Bub! Are your arms painted on? Oh, Sorry. Wrong therapy session. He sat in the sun, listening to the annoying rug rats in the pool behind him, but not having i might say "lacking" the motivation to leave. A huffing sound snapped him out of his sulk.

A young woman was jogging in his direction. He caught the sight of her toned abs, peeking out from between her shorts and sports top and the rip in his shirt was forgotten. He watched her ample bosom rise and fall with each step. The cacophony behind him faded into nothingness as the fanny pack strapped around her waist wiggled from side to side. I think you're trying to indicate his attention shifted so profoundly that he hyper-focused on eh moving fanny pack, not that I have a better idea, but it seemed like two disjointed thoughts in one sentence. Her face was drenched with sweat This is passive and pulls reader up and out. Maybe: Sweat drenched her face, but the perspiration couldn’t diminish the effect of her almond-shaped eyes, high cheek bones and red, pouting lips.

She glanced up with a pained expression and locked eyes with him. His breath caught in his throat and his face heated up. Jack looked away.

He realized he was sitting in the middle of the bench. An idea occurred to him. He scooted to one side and then ventured a glance at the woman who was almost adjacent Nope. Sorry. This means connected and that isn't gonna fly. Sorry. I pictured nothing except annoying words. to him. He waved his hand, indicating the empty space on the bench and hoped she would accept.

It seemed to him she did. Unnecessary telling. In the next sentence, you show it very nicely. She slowed to a walk, panting heavily and approached the bench. She smiled at him and placed a foot on the seat. While she stretched her shapely legs, Jack ran an appreciative eye over the curve of her hips and buttocks, the beautiful profile that reminded him a lot of –

Oh, no. Not my ex-wife, he thought angrily. He snapped his head around away from the young lady. When will I finally be rid of that skanky, low-life, two-timing…

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her studying him, as if trying to figure out why he invited her to the bench but hadn’t spoke spoken to her.

Jack couldn’t bring himself to say something to her. He regretted his actions now and turned to leave. As he started to rise, a movement and a flash of color in the woman’s fanny pack caught his attention.

To Jack’s utter amazement, a pair of red eyes peered at him from the shadows of the fanny pack. His astonishment turned to fear when the creature’s blue head raised up and revealed horns, which pushed the flap of the pack open.

The woman let out a cry of alarm. She shoved the creature back inside the fanny pack. She took off running at a pace much faster than her jogging.

Without a thought, Jack jumped up and ran after her. What am I doing? He asked himself. What will I do if I catch her? Demand to see the thing in her fanny pack? Ask her to dinner? She’ll just think I’m a pervert.

Questions and thoughts raced through his mind. No need to TELL us this, you just showed it. He began to think it was all for nothing because she was far ahead of him. His flabby body and short legs were no match for the lean woman with long, muscular gams. Nicely said.

With his lungs gasping for air and his heart pounding so hard he couldn’t hear, Jack slowed to a walk. He watched as the woman kept running. Just before she rounded a curve in the path that would take her out of his sight, a large man stepped out from behind a tree, blocking her. The woman stopped abruptly and nearly ran impossible. She either stopped or nearly ran into him. Can't be both. i don't know which picture to grabl hold of. into him. She backed away.

Jack couldn’t hear what was being said but he saw Telling. Why not show him strain to hear: Cock his head, squint in concentrated listening. Also, you can Show his gesture: The man pointed at her fanny pack instead of "he saw" the man point at her fanny pack. She put her hands over it as if protecting it and its passenger. She shook her head vigorously. The man advanced a step but she backed away again.

Jack wanted to get closer to find out what was going on but he was too exhausted to move. Telling. How does wanting to get closer feel? How does it feel to be exhausted? The man’s suit and tie didn’t seem intimidating, but Jack noted with concern his size, the huge scar across his cheek and the hook in place of his right hand.

What should I do?


Whispering Ghost of C.St.Ann