Erotica Harem

Title:

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Author: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

Plot:

Rachel Morrison is the FBI Liaison to the DEA. She’s on an operation with Jake Sibley, a DEA agent that makes her blood curdle. He’s brought out the big guns including the coast guard for a raid on a meth lab.

The raid is over in seconds. Rachel enters the broken down shack used for the lab and sees the three men apprehended in the raid. Sibley begins to question one of them but the man is uncooperative. Then Sibley gets a notice that the DEA agents have found a body in the fishing net of a boat at the shack’s dock.

No gaps or holes in the plot. At first I thought we were in a different place, because of the description of the swampy forest. Is that typical of Iowa’s Mississippi River shores?

Style & Voice:

Told in third person from Rachel Morrison’s point of view. I didn’t notice any head-hops or changes in pov.

Scene/Setting:

I had no problem envisioning the rain, forest and muck in this scene. I did have trouble reconciling it to Iowa. LOL

Characters:

Rachel Morrison is an FBI agent, serving as liaison to the DEA during the drug raid. There aren’t many details on her but she seems to be young and/or good-looking. She seems level-headed because she manages to keep her cool even during Sibley’s patronization of her.

Jake Sibley is the DEA agent in charge of the raid. He seems rather sexist and demeaning toward Rachel. He may be attracted to her because he keeps touching a hand against her knee but never in a way that could be considered harassment. He’s also very arrogant and jealous of his position as Agent in Charge.

Just My Personal Opinion:

This is the first introduction of Morrison and Sibley so we have yet to see how they fit into the bigger story. I like the contrast between the cool, professional Morrison and the brash overbearing Sibley. Nice touch!

Alex

Grammar:

Very good. Just a couple of typos.


The DEA jeep bounced over the rutted road and rain drizzled against the windows. Special Agent Rachel Morrison's Kevlar vest pinched at her right armpit. She winced and loosened a strap. A lightning flashed broke the pre-dawn darkness and illuminated the swampy forest on either side of the gravel road.[Toto, I don’t think we’re in Iowa anymore.]

Sibley's radio buzzed again. Each contingent of the JTF sang out their position and readiness. What an ass. [This last sentence seems out of place, since it’s talking about Sibley and not the DEA contingents. Perhaps it could be moved to after this next sentence?] Sibley acted like he was commanding the D-Day landing instead of raiding a meth lab run by a couple of hick farm boys. It was always a good idea to use overwhelming force against this kind of creep, but this was ridiculous.

He turned to her and his slimy fingers squeezed her knee again. "When we go in, you stay in the rear [Insert comma.] Agent Morrison. Let the Special Ops team do what they're trained to do."


She sauntered into the chaos of the building. Inside, three scruffy-looking youths lay laid sprawled face-down on the floor, barefoot, their hands bound behind their backs with plastic handcuffs.




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