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Plot: Joel and Brice leave for their road trip. Through dialog, we learn Brice's life is in a tailspin. Joel tries, as a good friend should, to console and advise Brice on how to bring the nose back up. Style & Voice: Third person limited, Joel. I noticed no head-hops or omniscient intrusion. Then again, my name is Carol, not Tim.  If they're there, he'll spot them. Referencing: Present day. Cell phones, walkie-talkies, Lexus, etc. Scene/Setting: Cars, roadside scenery. Very nicely placed through dialog. Characters and POV: Joel, our POV character, and Brice, friends since college, clearly have something smoldering beneath the surface. Grammar and Punctuation: Commas mostly. David, I'm not going to comma-edit. Every editor and publisher has their own issues, and it seems the rules are as trendy as cyber slang. I'll let you deal with that when the time comes. Emotional Connection: Developing. I definitely like the mechanics of this friendship. Does the title intrigue me? Meh. What I liked best: The relationship you've given Joel and Brice. It's rich in history, friendship, and love. The hint there's something smoldering beneath the surface is crafted very well. What I liked Least: Nothing really, just maybe ease in the info dumps and it's all good. Just My Personal Opinion: David this chapter had a surprisingly smooth beginning, considering there was a significant time lapse since the previous chapter. Very good. It opened with established characters, and we knew the road trip had been planned. Just wonderful. I liked the comfortable rhythm and flow as well as the friendly banter between the characters who are, themselves, very likable. You're offering more and more depth as the story progresses, although at times spoon-feeding it, and there's a genuine feeling of getting to know them. The imagery is peppered-in through dialog, and it's so smooth, I almost missed it, except for the feeling it evoked. WOW! This is the "David" I love to read! LINE EDITS: Asides Reviewer commentary Editing suggestions Reader's thoughts Thank you for including a word count and language statement.  Chapter 4 Road Trip 1,961 Words >Joel’s gentle voice counseled, “Brice, since you didn’t ask for advice I’ll give some to you.< Vintage "David"! I'd recognize it anywhere. *thumbaup* >Like I said when we had dinner a few weeks ago, you’re either going to implode or explode. It’s predictable.” He winked like a knowing Santa.< A nicely placed recap. Well done. Cute Santa line. >Brice pulled him close.< Sounds sensuous. I trust this is your intent? this your intent? >“I know, I know. What I don’t know is what to do. My blood pressure is up, I’ve gotten fat, my marriage is falling apart and I don’t even enjoy work.”< Well, that sucks. >Joel stroked the back of his friend’s head but resisted adding in his excessive drinking.< I think you mean he resisted reminding Brice he also drinks too much (?) The word order made me go back and re-read. Can you make it more clear? It was a hiccup. >Joel ignored the comment. “With college completed and no chosen course I dated cocaine and booze. I had gotten comfortable in school and was afraid of the future. My life’s only meaning was immediate pleasure. At three AM, speeding down Hale Road in Coyote Valley, south of St. James, I woke up in a farm field.”< A blatant info dump. They're old friends. He'd know. Can't they simply talk about it? Maybe Brice could ask a question or two like friends do. >“Oh, I’m not reliving it. Just remembering it, there’s a difference. Reliving carries the pain, but remembering only holds the lesson.”< Wonderful line and SO true! >The corners of his mouth turned up. “That crash changed my life. I met angels. It was cold out, and there was frost on the ground just before Christmas.”< >They told them I had to quit the booze and drugs< Typo? S/b: ME >You take pills for blood pressure and to fight anxiety. Sometimes you take sleeping pills and others to kill the frequent indigestion. Drugs are drugs.”< So... What? You're suggesting I should stop this? >And who's going to guide me again?< Very good. >His head shook.< Curious. Why wouldn't you say "He shook his head."(?) "His head shook" sounds like he's got a tremor. >Brice called back. “Thank you, captain. Will the flight attendants serve breakfast soon?”< Cute >and a staff of one thousand.”< That's excessive >“And I only have four employees.”< Ah! Sarcastic Jersey-style embellishment. I love it. Well done, you tricked me.  >Joel eased out of his dress shirt and white t-shirt.< Why was he dressed like that to travel. Seems very odd. >If you get totally naked sit on your undershirt to keep your bare butt off of the customer’s seat.”< Hahahaha. You're insane. >these frigging leather seats.”< What kind of car did you say that was? >Ha, so few of us are truly qualified to be a nag. < So right. But those of us who are, are really good at it. Mwahahahaha... >and their associated stench.< You just told him to enjoy it. Can you word it better. (Good luck trying, BTW. >We were leaders on our team. Players at other schools talked about us, about how cool we were.< Info dump to set up the next bit. You can do better. Make it more conversational. Not an edit, just an idea: Don't you remember how much fun we used to have when we played Baseball? It was cool to be looked up to, wasn't it? >“Only you can fix you. I’ll offer a menu but you make the choices.< Best advice ever. Yes Yes Yes.. So true. But friends offering menus are Angels... I'm just sayin. >“I never said I was mad at him. We just aren’t talking.”< I can identify. >You're buying.< Yep. That's my motto. >Don’t make Casey and me struggle to settle your legal affairs.”< Sobering words if ever there were any. A good ending. I feel I've really gotten to know these two. Carol A Thankful Carol St.Ann   aka: Carol St. Ann, Claudette Sanger, Cassandra MacBain, and D. Chateau    My Rising Star: Jack Barnes  I AM A MEMBER OF: "The WDC Angel Army"  "Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program" "Random Thoughts and Cares" "Invalid Item" "Rising Stars of WdC" "Invalid Item" "Mainstream Novel Workshop Forum" "Invalid Item" "The Writer's Workshop" "Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best." - Henry Van Dyke |
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