Erotica Harem

Title:

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Author: oregonboi
Plot:
Joel and Brice stop at a remote café to have some lunch. While there, Joel flirts with a waitress old enough to be his grandmother. Brice gets annoyed but confesses that he has something to tell Joel. The waitress comes back and interrupts their conversation. Joel either forgets that Brice has something to say or he ignores him. When Brice mentions again that he has something to say, Joel brushes him off and starts talking about himself. Their conversation gets interrupted again when a patron starts harassing a young waitress.
No gaps or holes in the plot.
Style & Voice:
Told in third person from Joel’s point of view. I didn’t notice any head-hops or changes in pov.
Scene/Setting:
The setting here is the Crying Coyote Café. Good descriptions of the interior with the sights and smells. I don’t think any more details are necessary. Unless there is an old jukebox in the corner playing Tammy Wynette?
Characters:
The old waitress is a new character but probably just secondary. She’s described well and very likeable. She enjoys Joel flirting with her.
We see a different side of Joel in this chapter. He goes from caring to not caring less about Brice. Twice in this chapter, Brice tells him that he has something to tell him. The first time, they are interrupted but Joel makes no attempt to return the focus to his friend. The second time, Joel brushes him off and turns the conversation to himself. Then when the patron nearby starts harassing the waitress, Joel starts thinking all hero-like and turns away from Brice. Again.
Just My Personal Opinion:
I don’t like Joel anymore.
Alex
Grammar:
Very good. Just a few hiccups here and there. I had some additional comments, too.
Joel followed Brice as they pulled off the freeway into the parking lot of the remote Crying Coyote Café. [To those of us not familiar with the Crying Coyote Café, where is that in relation to San Jose and San Diego? I reread chapter 4 and I see they got off of Hwy 101. Did they do that to avoid LA?] Joel popped out naked from the waist up and spun around with his arms spread, waving his shirts.

[Move quotation marks to ‘Nope’] “Joel looked down at his crotch. Nope. I jacked off an hour ago.”

“Maybe your client could have paid a transport company to deliver the car instead of making you do it.” [My sentiments exactly! ]

Joel cocked his head, wondered at Brice’s comment, but said nothing.

“The carpet needs a paint job?” [LOL! Love it!]

“Asshole Smart-ass. You know what I mean.” [Just a word change suggestion.]

Joel scanned around. Most tables were taken [Then the Crying Coyote Café can’t be too remote. ] and the combined aromas of the food flowing from the kitchen made his mouth water.


[Quotation marks needed.] A glass of water with no ice and the chef’s salad, omit the bacon, and oil and balsamic vinegar for the dressing.” He pulled her close with an arm around her chubby waist. “After you get off work tell you your parents you’re going to study at the library, then sneak out with me.”

“No, he moved to Oregon after he retired from the police department. I’ve procrastinated called calling him.”



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