Erotica Harem

Hi Fancie,

I am reviewing your story as a fellow member of the Erotica Harem.
Please note that my comments are merely suggestions and you, as the author, always has the final say.

Title: "Invalid Item" 

Chapter: 4

Author: Charlene A. Wilson

Plot: Anna is afraid of being left alone. Cole has overstepped his boundaries and has somehow stolen(?) Anna’s soul. His brother’s disapprove and on the outside, Cole believes it to have been the right thing. When left alone with his thoughts, however, he is afraid he might have made a mistake.

Anna seems to miss Cole when there is nobody around.

We find out more about the power of the Lords over the wizards. We also find out about the three wizards’ father and the reason they started harvesting people.


Style & Voice: It is clear that Anna cannot be left alone and she is afraid of everything. The spell placed on her is also entirely different than the girl who is sitting in her room when she comes back from her wash. It is almost as if the reader were being guided to believe that Anna might be strong enough to break the spell.


Referencing: No problems here.


Scene/Setting: The lord’s house is grand and Anna has been given a luxurious bedroom. That makes me think that Lord Dressen will be taking her by force. Well, given the spell she is under, maybe not much force. Although I suspect she will not yield so willingly.


Characters: New characters such as Clair, who seems to be a servant who knows what is going on around the place. Then we have the girl in Anna’s room, who seems to have been placed there more as a comparison to the different spells.

Grammar: I have made a few notes throughout the text.

Just My Personal Opinion: Lord Dressen is an arrogant man who thinks he is perfect.

We now know that they have never bound a soul and that to unbind one would have disastrous consequences. Hence, my theory that she will break the spell herself.

Below follow some suggestions and corrections

Thank you for sharing.

All the best,
Becks


Your text:

What you have written remains in black
Words to omit are in blue
My suggestions are in red
My comments are in green

The leader’s dark eyes turned to Anna and his thoughts voice touched her like warm honey. Lord Dressen was her keeper. She looked over at the man with reverence. Every line that accented his heavy brow and creased his narrow face declared his wisdom. His dark hair was as a crown tinted with silver. Refinement adorned his steps to the door. His hand grasped the handle. Perfection. He thanked the men as they left. He was grace. Are these her thoughts? This bit just sounds a bit cheesy. Perhaps you could drop these along the story, but it sounds a bit too much here. It made me both cringe and laugh. Sorry.

Lord Dressen turned to Anna as the door closed.

“Clair.” His deep voice vibrated in her senses. A woman appeared from the hall. “Anna has joined the household. She will fill the special bid and have the room on the second floor. See to it she knows what’s expected of her.”

“Yes, Sire.”

As he turned, his gaze lingered with a cocked grin. A low chuckle rode his breath as he disappeared down the hall.

Confusion entered as Anna’s keeper departed. She darted her eyes around the spacious room. Lustrous onyx, polished silver and a brilliant ceiling commanded her view. The foyer’s many eccentrics sent anxiety raging and she searched for her tall savior for reprieve. He was gone. Panic flew.

Clair placed a hand on her arm. “Come with me, love.”

Anna watched her as she began to lead the way. The woman’s brown hair was tied back into a bun and her ferrety features wore a tiny smile. Small comfort settled the sting of desertion.

Marble staircases curved beside a masterful stained glass window standing center stage on the far wall. Anna watched the work of art that took up the space from floor to vaulted ceiling. The geometric shapes absorbed her attention before the tug of her escort’s hand pulled her down the hall.

“You will be staying on the second floor.” The servant opened the first door on the right. “This is your room. Lord Dressen’s is the master suite down the hall.”

She crossed to the balcony doors and? opened them. The sheers skimmed along the breeze. “The fresh air will help you relax. I know this is confusing to you.” She headed to the bathroom. “But really, the choice of lost memory is a blessing.” She turned on the vanity light. “There are twenty of us serving here under Lord Dressen and not a one regrets it. Some have been here since he gained his Lordship. Oh, I guess that’d be about fifty three years gone now.” She waved a hand. “Reg, the butler was one of his originals.close quotation marks. She smiled. open quotation marks Nice man Reg.”

Clair opened the closet and removed a lounging robe. She peeked at Anna threw her lashes I didn’t get this. Threw her lashes? Batter her eyelashes?as she handed her the garment. “So, tell me. We’re all so curious. How does it feel?”

Anna blinked at the woman. “How does it feel?”

Clair nodded with a little snigger. “We were told his order had strict requirements this time. You’re a special one you are if you fit the bill. We hear you’re to be on his arm.”

“On his arm?”

The woman furled her brow. “Well,” she closed the closet. “Maybe we can talk later when you’ve settled in. Just get bathed and dress for bed. I’ll be back when you’re done. There are a few things you need to know.”

Panic flashed as she watched the woman leave. She grasped the gown and rushed to her side. “You’ll be back when I’m done?”

“You just get cleaned up and ready for bed – and welcome home.”

The door close. Finality. Abandoned – again. Anna looked over the room with apprehension. A burgundy comforter hugged the wide bed and tipped the edges of thick pillows. A desk and chest of drawers stood against the wall. Stained-glass lampshades with matching light posts adorned the bed stands, and a sculpture of a human form stood in the far corner.

Anna took in the scene as a whole. Fear held her gaze.This sounds awkward because it is as if fear were looking at her. I would suggest Anna took in the scene as a whole with fear in her gaze. The items seemed to leer and play with her mind. They morphed into rudimentary shapes, and blended against the wallpaper backdrop.

Shocked, she ran through the vanity hall slamming the bathroom door behind her. She spun the water knob on and stripped off her clothes. A wide stream of water fell from a marble ledge and she slipped in. Droplets nettled her legs and she pulled her knees to her chest. Flashes of light reflected off the current as Anna sat transfixed. “She’ll be back when I’m done.” The words reassured her.

She turned off the flow. Sliding the soap over her hair and skin, she dipped under the water to rinse. She was done.

The gown clung to her wet skin. She threw her hair over her shoulders. Darting back through the vanity, she halted as motion caught her attention. She looked back around the door frame.

A woman. Comforted by the sight, she stepped back into the little room and took a seat in front of the counter. Adornments, perfumes, lotions, and puffs lined the narrow shelf. Seated on the other side, the lady’s big blue eyes stared back at her. Anna smiled at her. She smiled back. Her angelic face was flushed red. Her long dark hair straggled and wet. The nightdress she wore stuck to her body as if drenched by rain, but the woman didn’t appear to care. She simply watched Anna, smiling at her with childlike dimples.

This person liked her. She didn’t turn away as the others did. Anna waited to see what she would say, but the woman remained quiet.

No matter. She watched; content, in the little room of her new home.

~ * ~

Materializing on the porch first was Cole’s intent but as it turned out his brothers seemed to have the same goal.

James held a hand at Vincent’s chest allowing Cole to enter the manor first. The receiving hall welcomed him home with cherubim laced walls and trim. But his irritated steps struck the hardwood floor with reverberant thuds as he pulled at his cape’s clasp. He tossed it, draping a sentinel beside the banister. It landed on the seraphim’s head. He scowled and flicked his wrist, sending it from the statue to the coat rack.

James hung his cloak beside his brother’s.

Cole turned to face them as Vincent sent a bolt of energy to slam the door. The tall decorative windows on each side of the entrance burst and crashed to the floor. The cascading chandelier shook above them with the blow.

He glowered at the childish display. “I filled his order.”

Vincent flung his cape to the floor. “You bound her soul!”

James raised a hand at the shattered entrance. Shard and spar whirled into the air, each reclaiming its former place with tiny ‘clinks’.

Cole’s heart hardened at the charge and he headed to the parlor. Bound her soul. He flushed. The thought hadn’t occurred to him. “It was the only way to ensure complete compliance.” A weak defense, but the only one that came to mind. He scanned the ample selection of liqueur that filled the wall. “She’ll be happier than anyone in that house.”

“Only because she won’t know better not to.” Vincent took a stern stand. “Sealing that spell with a kiss pushed the limit, Cole. You went too far this time!”

“We’ve been pushing the limit for centuries.” With a swagger, he picked out a flask. “Now just get this all out of your system so we can get on with our lives. James is here to clean up your mess.”

With a growl, Vincent aimed at his brother’s drink. A blue pulse burst the bottom of the bottle.

Cole pursed his lips and looked at his challenger. He pointedly set the emptied selection on the bar and brushed the front of his shirt.

James bit back a grin.

He opened the cooler and chose a can of beer instead. “Okay, Kid. You want my attention.” Popping open the drink, he faced Vincent and waved a dismissive hand. “Say what you have to say and be done.”

“Her soul! Cole, how can you be so casual about this?”

“I told you. There was no other way to ensure complete compliance.” He took a lengthy drink. “That man’s order was impossible.”

“You strengthened the spell. It would have brought her close enough.”

“Close isn’t good enough. We deliver what’s ordered.”

Vincent shook his head. “Father would have never approved of this. You know that!”

He scowled at the choice of weapon.

His youngest brother set his jaw with their father’s memory backing every word. “He only agreed to gather the homeless to ensure their security, give them shelter. The Grand Marshals do that.”

Cole slugged the remainder of his drink to drown the want to lash out. He slammed the empty can on the bar. “Giving them shelter.” He scoffed. “Right along with memory wiping and bending wills.”

Vincent turned livid. “That was only to appease the Lords. It was to help the insecure settle. No real harm comes from that. Father loved these people!”

“And the Lords are the very ones who ended him aren’t they?” Cole sent his disgruntlement to the room. The leather seating and cherry fitments stood firm and offered his case no support. The open draperies that hung beside the picture window revealed the black night of this world – a cruel reinforcement that their assignment here was an indefinite curse to him. He threw his hand across the scene. The fabric whipped closed.

He set his clinched clenched in this case. Google knows all! fist on the bar. “We did our job. The new law made her no different than any of the others we harvest.” His voice lowered to a mumble. “What’s binding a soul to a soul with no rebirth?”

His eyes flicked to the large masterpiece above the hearth. His father. The dark eyes peered down at him and a flash of reproach stung his soul. He looked away to erase the discomfort.

James sat in a nearby chair and a heavy breath left his pursed lips. “I was going to stay out of this. But I have to say my piece here.”

Cole furled his brow. “Involvement, James?” He withdrew another can of beer, holding it up in a salute. “This should be good. By all means. Say your piece. At least I know you won’t be spilling my drink all over my clothes.”

James leaned his hulky arms on his knees. “I know how you feel about our situation, Cole. But we can’t let bitterness shadow our reason for being in Cornerstone Deep. I don’t believe Father would wish any ill on these people. Erasing memories allows the subjects to release the pain of their past. And bending wills enhance dedicated service, gives them a future to focus on. Without memories, a person still has his own sense of being. And bending a will only enlightens their outlook. But a soul is a being’s depth. Even if this dimension doesn’t offer reincarnation, it limits them to rely on the basic instincts of their nature.”

Cole released a lengthy sigh. “All she’ll know is that she’s loved and wanted. You saw it in her eyes. Her whole heart was content at the thought of just being with us.”

James shook his head. “At being with you. In her limited mind, you gave her life.”

He paused at the words his brother’s words. Discomfort struck his nerves. He swigged at his drink then calmed his voice. “When I turned her over to Lord Dressen, that revere was given to him. Any attention he gives her will be like heaven to her. All mortals should be so lucky.”

James held out a hand. “What’s going to happen when she’s left alone? Without a soul to guide her thoughts, emotions will take over. Confusion will lead to panic.” He furrowed his brow. “Did any of this even enter your mind when you decided to seal that spell with a kiss?”

Cole growled. “I filled the man’s order. What’s done, is done. If things go awry, I’ll unbind the soul and refund the money.”

A scowl accentuated Vincent’s defined features. “That’s it? You’ll just undo everything and give back his money?”

James shook his head with a look of disbelief. “Have you ever unbound a soul, Cole? In over six hundred years, have we ever unbound a soul?”

Sparks danced along Vincent’s fisted fingers and he spoke through clinched teeth. “We’ve never bound a soul.”

James glanced at the youngest and stood, stepping between the two. “Exactly. She’s experiencing bliss right now. If you perform an unbinding – if it can be done at all – she’ll regain her life’s pain. She’ll be in excruciating pain, Cole. We don’t even know if she’d live through it.”

“I thought you were going to stay out of this.”

James folded his arms across his broad chest and lifted his chin. “That was before you took to playing God.”

Cole held up a hand and lowered his head in a small gesture of retreat. “Okay. The deed is done. I will personally keep posts on this girl and step in when needed.” He slugged the remainder of his beer and set the can on the bar with a heavy fist. “But, trust me on this. There’s not a more content woman in the world.”

He turned his back on his brothers and closed his eyes. What have I done? And why?