Erotica Harem

Item reviewed: Officer Needs Help, Part 5 by DavidS


Line by line

>> Sean's eyes were bleary <<

Minor style issue: Using WAS/WERE to link a subject to a description is usually considered to be weak writing.
Instead of this, you can use an action verb. Maybe something swam in his vision, or something blurred into a smeared something. Especially for the first sentence of a chapter, look for an action verb.


>> H cursed out loud at the rainy, quiet night, <<

Typo


>> The bored officer laughed at himself because he contracted the habit to say “right” at the end of a sentence, like Nash does. <<

Voice of the author delivering a fact. Also, verb tenses do not agree.


>> the police radio cackled. Captain Barrows summoned Sean on the police radio <<

POLICE RADIO repeats


>> Patton pulled in to the closed business <<

into


>> Sean, call this number, ask for Reuben and say you're calling for Nash <<

NASH came up in a completely different context in the first paragraph, so this confused me.
Oh... Later, I figured out that NASH is the Captain. I never got that, and CALLING FOR NASH told be that the Captain was instructing Sean to ask for someone named NASH there.
As you can see, this left me completely confused.


>> They both settled into the comfort of the friendship and banter. <<

Serious TELLING instead of SHOWING


>> Sean yelled to the captain and ran to his patrol car. Patton wove his car <<

I know you don't want to repeat the name, but using different names so close together was a little jarring for me.
Also, I didn't see the Captain come running while zipping his zipper, and then jump in the car. I need to see him arrive and get in.


>> Sean heard the powerful police car approaching <<

Oh... My error, I guess. I forgot that they had separate cars. A tiny bit more detail would prevent a careless error like this.


>> the captain became the subject of teasing for crashing his car <<

TELLING. Show us, or leave it out.


>> Sean booked the crook and the evidence <<

We just passed through the lying scene and never got a reaction from the Captain. No words. No look on his face. Surely he would react to this major thing.


>> He knew he crossed a very serious professional line. He asked himself out loud, “Did I just fuck up the rest of my career?” <<

By lying to protect his Captain?
I can accept him doing this IF I know why. I need his thoughts so I understand his motivation. Without knowing his motivation I am confused about why he did it and what the implications are.
I think you rushed through that scene too quickly. I needs thoughts, looks at the Captain, and other personal interaction things.


>> “Can I have your locker, it's closer to the shower than mine.” <<

Would they be so cruel to a fellow officer?


>> Sean spirits were boosted by Millup's comfort. <<

Voice of the author


>> I remember favors that I own. <<

OWE


>> The captain's coy smile, nod and wave transmitted that nothing more needed to be said and he retreated to his office. <<

Not clear who HE is here.



Setting

Fine for me



Characters and POV

POV was perfect.
The characters are fine, although as I noted above I need more in the lying scene.
Between the lack of thoughts for motivation and lack of body language from the Captain, I did not appreciate that dramatic scene as much as I should have. It was more confusing than enjoyable.
You can easily fix it with more detail.



Referencing

No problems



Plot

We have an interesting twist in their relationship.



Style/Voice

Mostly very good, although I did point out several serious instances of telling instead of showing, and using the voice of the author to present facts and explanations.



Grammar

Excellent



SUMMARY:

This is a nice advance of the story. We got even more of a look at Sean's personality, and his relationship with the Captain took a new turn.
Uh... whatever happened to his sexy girlfriend? I really miss her. She was so sweet to him, and mighty sexy, too.
It does feel weird for her to play a huge role at the start of the novel, and then vanish. He never sees her, makes love to her, calls her, talks about her to friends, or even thinks about her.
I don't think it's good to waylay the reader like this. I claim that you should either drop her or let her make regular appearances.

Tim, AKA Sandy Samson

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