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Plot: A sisterly tussle before the de Mandevilles' party starts the chapter. We meet Charles and realize Crystal's lack of feeling for him. Later find that he is a power-hungry schemer willing to do almost anything to gain power.

Characters: Very nice job. We see how the rich live. Crystal's lack of feeling for Charles is well describe. And Charles is exposed as an amoral schemer.

Grammar: This chapter starts off well enough, but then the run-on sentences begin. See line by line.

Style/ Voice: Third person POV. It possesses the distinct style and flavor of a period piece. Good.

Setting: The setting is described well enough, but I would prefer more. The night, the scents, the garden, the house.

Overall: A fairly strong chapter that advances the characterization and plot at the same time. WATCH the run-ons!!!!!


Crystal’s high-heeled shoes clacked loudly on the wooden floor as she made her way down the hall in the direction of Rose and Dawn’s raised voices. It was the day of the ball and Crystal had just escaped her bedchamber where she just spent two grueling hours washing, drying and styling her hair into a curling dark mass atop her head. She then spent an additional two hours standing in front of her mirror watching herself be transformed, by Katherine and Liza, into someone she didn’t recognize. Her lips and face had been painted, silver patches of glittering moons and stars were pressed on her cheeks and at the corners of her eyes. Pearls adorned her throat, purposefully drawing attention to her low-cut neckline. She had bathed in milk to soften her skin and then rose water to make even the air around her smell of flowers. With a final warning to Crystal not to let a single hair fall out of place Katherine rushed to the master bedroom for some last minute primping. You convey the upper class nature of your characters very well.

If they did not leave soon there would be no getting to the de Mandevilles’ on time, which would be completely unacceptable, but by the high pitched shouting that was coming from Dawn’s room Crystal wagered that they were far from ready. With a swish of her many silk skirts she threw the bedroom door open and strode inside. The scene before her was add "composed? of Dawn and Rose, half dressed in their evening gowns, posed for battle, standing at opposite ends of the room. Faces flushed with fury, fists clenched at their sides, jaws gritted as they shrieked at one another. In the midst of this comma two young maids were trying to tie on corsets and keep hair firmly pinned into place. All the while Christy sat upon the bed, a gleeful look on her face as her head swung back and forth from one angry sister to the other.

“I told you already, I did not take them!” Rose shouted. “I put them back in the box like you asked.”

“Well then where are they?” Dawn turned and began rummaging through her jewelry box set on the carved oak dresser. “I’ve looked everywhere, they can’t can't have of just walked off by themselves!”

“What in heavens possessive "heaven's" name are you two shrieking about?” Crystal glanced at the gold clock that hung from the wall as she took another step into the room. “Mother is going to take a belt to both your hides if you’re not ready soon.”

“I would be ready if Rose hadn’t stolen my earrings.” Dawn threw a nasty glare at Rose who stuck her tongue out in response. “She hide hid them because she’s mad I wouldn’t let her wear them to the ball.”

“I didn’t take them!” Rose crossed her arms in a childish gesture. “I put them back where they wereWhere were they? after you told me I couldn’t wear them.”

“Are you sure you didn’t misplace the earrings, Rose?” Crystal ventured.

“No I didn’t!” Rose said. “I put them–.”

“Alright, alright I believe you,” Crystal quickly amended. “But where could they have gone?”

Dawn threw her hands in the air. “That’s what I’ve been saying! There’s no way they got up and walked off on their own, so it had to be–.”

“Christy! ” Crystal interjected, catching on to the reason for her youngest sister’s glee.

“What?” Dawn and Rose said in unison, both their heads swiveling around to look at their youngest sister who was rolling on the bed in silent laughter.

“Christy, you took my earrings?” Dawn cried, striding to the bed.

There was no need for Christy to confirm or deny the question, it was obvious from the half guilty, half mirthful look on her face,strike the comma that she was the culprit.

“Where are they?” Dawn demanded.

Still laughing, Christy pointed to the jewelry box.

“But I already looked in there,” Dawn said, hurrying back to the dresser and once again digging through the contents of the box.

“No, no,” Christy choked out through her laughter, making wild gestures with her hands to pick the box up.

Dawn lifted her jewelry case and felt underneath, she almost reluctantly pulled the earrings from their simple hiding place and held them up for all to see.

“You looked everywhere?” Rose asked Dawn her eyebrows arching.

“Well . . . I thought I did . . .”

“Next time look a little harder,” Rose said as she walked to the door. “Now if you’ll excuse me comma I have to get ready for the ball.”

“I’m sorry,” Dawn mumbled, but Rose was already gone. “I should have realized there was a thief in the room.”

Both sisters turned to glare at Christy, who finally managed to stop laughing and was edging beginning to edge off the bed.

“Sorry,” she muttered before darting out of the room.

Crystal and Dawn exchanged an aspirated glance,Strike comma, add a period and start a new sentence. their youngest sister could be such a pest when she didn’t get the things that she wanted, like to go to the ballstating the obvious.

“We have to be in the coach on our way in thirty minutes,” Katherine’s voice rang down the hall way. “If you girls are not ready comma we are leaving without you.”

Dawn looked suddenly alarmed. “I better hurry or we’ll be late. Oh, I can’t wait ‘til the evening begins!”

Crystal smiled half-heartedly at her sister, wishing that she felt the same way about tonight.

It was nearly forty minutes later that Katherine finally managed to rush them out the door. Dawn, at the very last minute, decided that she wanted to change, but Katherine said that if she took one minute longer she would be left behind. Neverthelesscomma Dawn threw a tantrum, yelling that she should have worn the yellow dress. Once in the coach they were all subjected to her whining about how she looked thirty, until Katherine snapped at her to shut her mouth. There was a thick silence in the air after that as they rode downtown, James kept fidgeting with his cravat unnecessarily,strike the comma and add a period. Katherine was tapping her nails on her fan,strike the comma and add a period. Dawn and Rose were endlessly adjusting their hair and shawls, trying to get a look at themselves in the reflection in the window. Crystal was the only one that didn’t stir,Strike the comma and add a semicolon. she blankly stared at the coach wall, her thoughts miles from them all.

The de Mandevilles’ four-story angled Describe clearly what you mean by "angled." townhouse was set at the corner of St. Charles Avenue and Canal Street,Period + new sentence. the mansion was lit more brightly then any other house on the street. Candlelight glowed in every window, illuminating the figures that danced across the floor, swirling in and out of view dancing across the floor. Laughter and lively music drifted out through the front doors that stood wide open in welcome to all the guests that were ambling up the lawn.

Crystal trailed behind her family as they entered the house,Period + new sentence. in the entrance hall the butler took their coats comma and they were led to the ballroom. Dawn and Rose immediately were off into the crowd of dancers, James and Katherine slipped off to the far corner of the room to greet some business acquaintances, though not before Katherine mouthed to Crystal ‘go find your fiancé.’ But Crystal did not do as her mother wished right away, instead she leisurely walked about the room stopping for polite conversation with those she knew- and some she didn’t- and then moved on. It wasn’t long before she saw Charles standing at the far corner of the dance floor, head bent low as he conversed with William Dreaux, a spoiled man of twenty-four, who was befriended by many simply because of he had the ear of the chief judge, Bernard Dreaux, his father, and was able to obtain pardon for every crime but murder.

Crystal tried to duck out of view, for she wasn’t quiet ready for this encounter, but William’s gaze found her comma and he immediately brought her to Charles’ attention. Taking a deep breath Crystal felt like she was preparing herself for battle as her fiancé’s golden blonde head swung around and his eyes searched for her in the crowd. When they fell upon hercomma a wide smile illuminated his face. Crystal returned the smile, though not with the same enthusiasm.

It was hard not to turn around and run as both men came towards her. One was strongly built, with broad shoulders and grey eyes that where filled with a combination of sophistication and manipulation. The other was of average height with the looks of one who enjoyed Louisiana cuisine a little too often. He had His auburn hair and gold-rimed spectacles that made his brown eyes appear much larger than they really were. The two men were a sharp contrast to each other, yet they had been friends sensesince childhood, and they were a powerful pair. They would own half of New Orleans one day when Charles gained his inheritance. Though inIn reality Charles would controlled it all, because everyone knew that William would do whatever Charles suggested. Always a pushover, William had lacked backbone since his school days, when he first befriended Charles who had saved him from a bully in boarding school. William had practically worshiped him ever since.

“Crystal, my darling, I counted the seconds ‘til your arrival.comma” Charles said as he bowed low over her hand, placing a light kiss on her white silk glove.

“You are too kind,” Crystal murmured.

“It is a pleasure to see you again, Miss de la Chaise.comma” William said, taking his turn to kiss her hand.

“And you, Mr. Dreaux.”

“I hear congratulations are in order,” William continued. “Charles is a lucky man to have won such a prize.”

Crystal smiled politely, though resenting being called Charles’ prize. “Thank you, sir. I only hope I can count upon you to keep the news to yourself until later in the evening.”

“Why, of course, of course, mademoiselle,period I promise you, my lips are sealed.” William pretended to lock his mouth and throw away the key.

Charles laughed heartily as he gave William a friendly slap on the back that almost knocked his glasses off. “Good man, William, loyal as the day is long.” Charles gripped William’s shoulder as he addressed Crystal. “You have nothing to worry about, my dear,Period + new sentence. our announcement will be kept quiet until exactly the right moment. Now if you will excuse us commaWilliamcomma I do believe Miss de la Chaise promised me her first dance.”

Charles offered Crystal his hand and led her to the brightly litebrightly-lit dance floor where a dozen other couples whirled in time with the music, they joined the throng with ease, matching their pace to the dancers around them. For a time they were silent,Strike the comma; use a semicolon. both concentrated on the waltz that they were preformingspelling. It was Charles who finally spoke.

“You look lovely tonight, ma cherie,Period + new sentence. you outshine every woman here.” he said in a low voice, his eyes intent upon her. “William was wrong when he said I was just a lucky man,semicolon I’m the luckiest man in Louisiana.”

Crystal glanced up at her fiancé, willing her heart to react to his words, skip a beat, pound faster, anything. There was nothing, Period + new sentence.his words were hollow and meaningless to her. Nevertheless she giggled as a smitten maiden was expected to do. Charles grinned as if he’d accomplished something by making her laugh, and discreetly pulled her closer, so that he could whisper in her ear. “I count the days ‘til our wedding night, I cannot rest at night for thinking about it.”

His breathebreath was hot on her ear comma and Crystal was convinced that her face could not become any redder, Period + new sentence.she wished desperately that the dance would end so that she could avoid having to respond to his bold comment. His eyes glimmered with foggy desire commaand Crystal felt as if he were imagining what it would be like to devour her. Maybe he had a right to stare so openly at her, but why was she so repulsed by his hungry gaze?

Charles seemed completely oblivious to her uncomfortable state,{b]strike comma and unconcerned by her silence, Period + new sentence.he continued to study her, his fingers stroking her nearly bare back with unsettling familiarity.

“Charles,” Crystal started to tell him to stop. He knew she didn’t like him touching her like this in public, or anywhere for that matter. She’d told him that when he’d tried to kiss her as they took a walk through the Oak Alley gardens the week before the ball. She was afraid that after their engagement his advances would become more insistent than before when holding her a little too close was as far as he would go. Now it seemed all of that had changed,Period + new sentence. he was crossing lines he’d never crossed before,Period + new sentence. such behavior in plain sight of everyone was mortifying. “Charles, please don’t, not here. Please.” her voice was soft and she wasn’t sure if he heard hercomma but at that moment the music stopped and applause drowned out her words.

When the next dance begancomma Charles tried to lead her into it, but Crystal shook her head. “I’m feeling a little faint, Charles. Lets sit this one out.”

Charles grinned, a triumphant look on his face. “Of course, ma cherie, we can join in the dancing again later.”

With a glimmer in his eye he led her off the dance floor and towards the fireplace where he left her seated on an armchair while he went to fetch her a refreshment. Crystal watched the roaring flames in the hearthcomma her mind focused on the events of moments ago. She was angry– not at Charles– but at herself for being so uncomfortable with her fiancé that she couldn’t stand his intimate touch. What’s wrong with me?! But she knew what was wrong with her,semicolon she didn’t love Charles, and she wasn’t sure she ever would.

He returned moments later accompanied by his mother and father, Period + new sentence.both of whom beamed merrily when they caught sight of her and she rose to greet them.

“Crystal, darling, how are you?” Mrs. Eleanor de Mandeville took her hands and kissed both her cheeks warmly.

“I’m fine, Mrs. de Mandeville, I hope you are the same.comma” Crystal said, returning the gesture.

“Oh, I’m better then fine, dear,Period + new sentence. wonderful in fact. I’ve been waiting for this announcement for years,semicolon I’m just so glad Charles finally found a woman that can make him happy.” she patted Charles fondly on the cheek.

Crystal smiled,Period + new sentence. her soon-to-be mother-in-law had undoubtedly been as golden haired and handsome as her son once, but the years had turned her locks a dull yellow, standing out in sharp contrast to her fair skin and rosy cheeks. Her once ample frame was now frail and tiny and looked as if a strong wind would knock her over. The only thing age had not taken was the sparkle in her eyes.

Crystal then turned to Mr. de Mandeville. “Mr. de Mandeville, how are you feeling? I was grieved to hear of your ill health last week, but you are looking as young and chipper as ever I’ve seen you tonight.” It was rather amazing that at sixty-one Mr. de Mandeville looked not a day older thenthan fifty. Unlike his wife he had aged well, his body still strong enough to fight off ailments that would break men half his age. His hair, no longer the velvet black of his youth, but shot with grey, was still thick and wavy, his grey mustache trimmed perfectly over his pleasant smile.

“That’s because I’m thankful I’ve lived to see the day my son asks a woman to marry him.” he said. “There was a time when I thought there was no hopecomma and I’d be dead and buried before Charles ever found a bride.” He winked at his son who grinned back with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.“But, alas, he has comma and I shall die knowing God blessed him with an angel sent from heaven.”

Crystal blushed and lowered her eyes. “You do jest Mr. de Mandevilleperiod I am no such holy being.”

“Ah, but you are as close as they come.” he smiled, his eyes filled with warmth as he took her hands in his own. “But I must protest this ‘Mr. de Mandeville’ hogwash,Period + new sentence. it’s ‘Papa Marginy’ to you.”

Crystal laughed genuinely for the first time that night,Period + new sentence. Pierre Philippe de Marigny de Mandeville was a true gentleman and a delight to be around,Period + new sentence. she had grown to know him well over the past few months and admired his generosity and devotion to his family. She felt privileged to be part of his family, no matter what she thought of marrying Charles.

“Alright then, Papa Marginy it is.comma” Crystal replied with a smile.

“Wonderful, wonderful!” Pierre laughed heartily. “Charles, I hope you realize what a gem you are getting for a wife.”

“Oh, I do realize, Father,{b{Period + new sentence. believe me.” Charles fixed Crystal with a penetrating gaze, and Crystal felt ill as she remembered his touch from earlier. Why did he make her feel so disquieted?

“Crystal, you look a little pale.comma” Eleanor said, concern in her voice. “Not nervous about the announcement are we?”

Crystal laughed uneasily as she shook her head. Glancing at Charles to see that he continued to watch her, she began fidgeting with the small pearls on her bodice, her eyes downcast. Is it that obvious? She wondered.

Eleanor smiled and drew Crystal near her for a side hug. “It’s alright to be a little anxious, dear.” she whispered, so that Charles and Pierre couldn’t hear. “I know I was, and Pierre was the sweetest fiancé you could hope for,Period + new sentence. Charles on the other hand can be somewhat . . . well . . . intimidating, I suppose.”

Crystal nodded, though she didn’t respond. It was only just hitting her that she liked her fiance’s parents more then her fiancé.

It was that next moment that the orchestra struck up a lively tunecomma and Charles moved to Crystal’s side to offer his hand. “Shall we?”

Crystal nodded graciously, even as dread filled her,Period + new sentence. in a vain attempt she turned to the de Mandevilles’ hoping that if they were on the floor with them Charles wouldn’t try anything. “Won’t you join in the dancing, Mr. and Mrs. de Mandeville?” It was difficult to keep the pleading note out of her voice.

Pierre shook his head with a smile. “I don’t think these old bones could manage that dance anymore.comma” he said obviously in concern for his wife. “I think we’ll take a turn about the gardens instead. What do you say, my darling?” he turned to his wife.

“That would be lovely,” Eleanor said, taking her husbands hand.

With a nod to the young couple the de Mandevilles’ disappeared into the crowd commaand Crystal followed her fiancé back onto the dance floor.

This time around Crystal kept Charles talking so that he wouldn’t have time to let his mind–or hands– wander. When the dance ended Phillip Almonaster, an ungainly young man of about twenty-three, with silver blonde hair and large almond shaped eyes, offered to lead her in the next dance. It was only polite of her to accept, though by the look on Charles’ face he thought otherwise.



*******



Charles stepped to the side of the dance floor and watched his fiancé swirling around in the arms of Almonaster. He didn’t appreciate how closely their bodies were pressed together, and Phillip’s hand was a little too low on Crystal’s back. She was laughing at the gawky boy’s pathetic jokes and smiling that brilliant smile that she seldom wore around him. That was all right, though,Period + new sentence. he wasn’t marrying her for her smile,semicolon her name was more important,Period + new sentence. the fact that she was the fairest of her sisters was fine with him.

However, Crystal de la Chaise had been a difficult maid to win, though not impossible. But he knew she was the one he wanted the day he saw her last year,no comma at this very ball. She was the perfect wife for the image he wanted, quiet and submissive Period + new sentence.she would do as he asked without question,Period + new sentence. beautiful and passionatecomma she could more than satisfy him. Howevercomma she hadn’t been too pleased with his advances in the beginning, comma had gone as far as avoiding him,Period + new sentence. yet he discovered quickly that the best way to get to her was through her family. So he charmed them all, Katherine adored his charm and statues, James respected his cunning mind, her sisters thought him ideal, and through convincing them of his honesty and integrity he won Crystal’s hand, if not her love and devotion. Fix the prior run-on sentences. That would come in time. He only wished to bring the engagement to light before she changed her mind. He could see it in her eyes, her doubt, but he knew she was too kind heartedkind-hearted and timid to let everyone down. Once their union was announcedcomma she would be his, finally. Then he could attend to his future plans, gaining control of his family fortune.

His gaze sought his father in the crowded room, resting upon the sickeningly healthy man across the dance floor animatedly talking to James de la Chaise. It was his active life, everyone said. The excitement of his travels kept him going, though Charles always thought it was the lack of responsibility that kept him alive. Leaving your son to watch over your business, wife and daughter couldn’t be all that stressful. Charles recalled the many times his father stood on the dock urging his thirteen-year-old son to look after everything. He had lost his childhood because of the elder de Mandeville, yet still the man acted as if he cared, as if he ever cared.

Why couldn’t his father do him one favor in all of his life, and die? Then this would be easy, though he’d already found a way around this, even if it was at a great cost to himself. In another few months everything would be perfect, and he’d be in control of his future.

“Almost time, Charles,Period + new sentence. are you ready for this?”

Charles glanced at William who appeared suddenly beside him, quietly as usual. That was what was so useful about William,semicolon no one ever noticed him. “I’ve been ready for this for months.”

William followed Charles gaze to the couple on the dance floor. “Do you suppose Almonaster has his eyes on Miss de la Chaise? They look to be enjoying themselves immensely.”

“I would advise him against that.” Charles narrowed his eyes as he studied the pair. “Would you be so kind as to pass the message on for me? I don’t want anything ruining what I’ve worked for.”

Had anyone been paying attention to the two men at that moment they would have noticed the malicious expressions they both wore.

“I’ll be sure to . . .”