WDC Frontliners Novel Review forum

This is a WDC Frontliners Review

Hello Aaron - Stormwielder !

                   General

I have only read 1/3 of the way through so far and have to go now (thanks to me spending so much time rereading bits and pieces and going back and forward giving suggestions :P Hopefully I can finish of the review of the chapter tomorrow.

So far it is great, keep at it! I know I have given a lot of suggestions, but I thought I'd go pretty much all out today... Hence I haven't had time to read the whole chapter >.< Maybe a bad call by me.

                   Storyline

Hard to give any useful feedback so far; but from what I've read, it is great so far. Gotta' love stories that throw you into the action from the beginning, it works really well with some stories, so good call with that Works a charm.

                   Character / Setting

Awesome descriptions and setting, very vivid. However, be careful not to repeat descriptions to frequently (you have done this in places). Anger/Fury pops up quite a lot. Iteration works well, but too much of the same word kills the meaning. One way to remedy this is to replace this with powerful metaphors or smilies.

                   Suggestions and other comments

I am a bit confused in some sections. It says he is filled with panic, yet he is thinking 'why, why'. 'What had he done to deserve such a curse as this,' - maybe it's just me but it seems a bit out of place having that when he is panic stricken. A minor thing overall, but I thought I'd bring it up anyway.

Okay, I'm about 1/4 of the way through the chapter as I write this. You should consider varying sentence lengths more - particularly with suspenseful scenes like this. Short sentences are often quite effective as well. Use this to control the pace of the story. Short is punchy. E.G. (rough example, tired sorry >.<)

Shouts came from behind him moments later as the first of the villagers escaped the alley, waving their torches in the murky light and crowding into the streets. Their mouths were open, panting as if they could taste Dixim’s fear on the air. Most wore clothing spotted with burn marks; all were soaked to the skin. Their faces were red with righteous anger, they were coming for him.

Shouts came from behind him. Moments later the first of the (mob?)escaped into the alley, waving their torches in the murky light. Their mouths were agape. They panted as if they could taste Dixim's fear in the air.... Their faces were red with (is righteous needed) fury. They were coming for him.


Be careful not to try say too much in one sentence. I fear that is a trap you are falling into - to try say as much as possible in a single sentence. This often makes it convoluted and at times confusing to read.

                   Spelling / Grammar

As a bit of a disclaimer, all suggestions below are exactly that, suggestions. They are merely my opinion - if you don't like 'em, that's fine =) I'll just throw out my opinions and if you agree with any of it, go with it =)

Seeing the streets empty for a moment, he allowed his gaze to linger on the destruction the storm had wrought, no, what he had wrought.

A long sentence. I'd recommend adding periods after wrought, and another after "no".

Around him the buildings had crumbled into blackened rubble
Passive voice. 'The buildings around him had crumbled...'

The sound of the crackling flames that still burned in many of them joined in with those other sounds that echoed amid the remains of Oaksville.
Maybe it's just me, but that is a bit awkward to read. In particular, I'm not sure about the "that still burned part", you should be able to avoid saying that. As a rough example, maybe something like:

"The sound of crackling flames melded with the noises that echoed through the remains of Oaksville.

Bodies lay unmoving in the flooded streets as the rain continued to fall...
Okay, I'm pointing out a lot of minor stuff, but hopefully it helps. A cool sentence, but I think you can do stuff to make it more direct, more vivid etc. Especially with sentences like that, there is a lot of power to be drawn from them (imo). Perhaps:
'The rain fell upon the lifeless bodies that littered the flooded streets. The usual pleasant aroma of the rain had been replaced by the stench of death that lingered over the town.'


Panicked, Dixim flung himself back out into the rains


The cuts that slashed his skin and the bruising falls as he tripped over stone didn’t faze him. Panic and fear filled him, blurring out the pain while his heart raced.

Not sure about the 'didn't faze him' part, considering you said he is panic stricken.

'His legs and arms were slashed and streaming with blood. His hands and knees were bruised and battered. He didn't notice. Panic and fear had engulfed him.'

Also, sometimes it works well to replace metaphors so long as they remain simple to understand. so, 'his heart raced.' & 'his lungs burned' etc are fairly common, and unfortunately that seems to strip the words of some of their meaning. Fortunately there are any number of ways you can convey the same message to the reader. This is something that you get quite a lot of freedom with, and you can try different things to achieve different results.

For example, often when your heart races it is accepted that everything around you happens slower (i.e. their world slows down). there are obvious benefits of heading down this path, for one, it is a great place to add vivid descriptions, and instead of boring the reader (not that this is any problem for what you) it adds to the suspense. At any rate, it is only a very minor thing so I won't go further there.


Dixim didn’t stand waiting for them, but plunged down the deserted street.
Maybe I'm just having a blond moment (even tho I'm not blond ) but this part doesn't really make sense to me. He plunged down the deserted street?



Dixim dodged through the extinguished piles of Debreu...
- isn't Debreu a surname? Think you meant debris.

His tongue felt as though it must be black with ash.

Don't beat around the bush, be direct (looking at the "as though it must be".)
His tongue felt as if it was black with ash.


Dixim huddled amid the ruins while the people hunted for him without,
hunted for him without?

The stink of his own body settle down in the shadows with him, its mixture of sweat, soot, dirt and death throwing his nose into a wrinkle.

The stench... might want to review the sentence as well, reads a bit awkwardly. Don't try to say too much in one sentence, sometimes it makes it convoluted. (looking at the part "down in the shadows with him". If it becomes awkward to read, just add that description into the next sentence.

In truth he hated the cities and towns of Plorsea. He couldn’t stand the crowds, the yelling, the noises and stench

You have used "stench" a lot in a fairly short span (about 5 or so paragraphs). About 1/3 of the way through you have a few words that are repeated probably too often in too short a span. Just re-read it, that always works



Keep writing and have a good one!
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