Erotica Harem

Title: Private Dancer

Chapter: Introduction

Author: freestylepoet9

Plot:
We meet Naomi who has taken a second "job" at a strip bar to earn enough money to pay for a medical (?) treatment for her husband.

Referencing: Story's set in modern time. At least I suppose that strip bars are a rather modern phenomenon.

Setting:
You didn't concentrate on it so much, more on Naomi's character. We know she dances on a stage with a pole. We know that it's "seedy". You could add more detail. How is the thing furnished or what color have the walls? Is there light equipment that illuminates the scene? If yes, how does Naomi react? Strong lights produce a lot of heat. Make "seedy" more clear.


Character:
Naomi James, twenty-six, a "dowdy" secretary with a 9-5 job.

She's not too fond of her job since she only "plays the part". However she doesn't like her second job well, too. It's not her nature to dance in a strip bar for money. Although you never are too obvious one feels how displaced and uncomfortable she feels doing it. It shows in her way how she concentrates on the music to blend the rest of the scenery out or how she reflects what it cost her to learn to ignore the whistles, slippery comments or the humiliation of being thrown with money and that half naked. She seems thankful to disguise herself at least partly (the wig). So it's easier for her to do this because then she's no longer really herself but some fantasy product... disguises have this effect.

She has the feeling however that she owes her husband Darryl the medical treatment he needs (what exactly do you mean with "amputee"? What's his problem? Details?) It must be very expensive otherwise she wouldn't need several jobs to earn enough money for it.

What does this line mean: "Darryl had been good to her for the first five years of their marriage..." Why do you insist on the number? Are they married longer than five years and isn't he good to her anymore but for some sick reason she can't break free? If yes, has he blackmailed her with something to stay or maltreated her and she doesn't dare to resist? What keeps them together? At least it is strong enough to make her degrade herself, either out of devotion or of fear, maybe both.


Style/Voice:
You use language in a very authentic way to show Naomi's nature and how she reacts to the situation she's in. It conveys her feelings very well and understandable. I like her voice and your style. It's clear and straightforward, she doesn't hide anything.


Grammar: Nothing that I noticed.


Personal Opinion:
Although there's no dialogue - a MUST for me - you introduced me to a troubled young woman who must deal with her situation and this in a not unaffecting way. Reading it made me wonder why she does it, even more after the few hints you gave.

The end was a nasty one: who's that guy and why does he growl at her instead of adressing her like every normal human being with her name? I definitely want to know who he is as well.

All in all this wasn't the great WOW (for that it's too short ) but nevertheless a nice hook. I'll return as soon as I can to read on. Have limited computer time at the moment.





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