Erotica Harem

Item Reviewed: Heart Over Mind, Chapter 1
Author: Sara
Reviewer: Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA Max Griffin

General Impressions
Hi Sara,
Welcome to the Erotica Group! I hope that you find this place as friendly and valuable as I have! Many of the authors are extensively published and I, for one, feel that I have benefited enormously from their tutelage. I hope that I can pass on to you some small part of what I have learned this past few months.

This is a highly charged chapter with a lot of action and two interesting characters. I see a lot of potential for this work based on this one chapter.

Let me begin with some general comments. One way to think of a story is that the author is guiding her readers' imaginations. It's not possible to put in all the details -- and that would be deadly dull -- so you want your readers to imagine your story along with you. In order to achieve that, you want your reader's to be actively engaged in your prose. Thus you want to use active verbs and active images as much as possible to keep your reader "in" the story. Similarly, staying consistently with one viewpoint character helps keep the readers focused and engaged -- each shift in POV, especially inside a single scene, runs the risk of disengaging the reader.

This leads to general conclusions about adverbs, passive voice, and use of various forms of the verb "to be," all of which then to lead the writer to less active and vivid descriptions than might otherwise be possible. Let me illustrate using some examples from your text.

Adverbs By my count there are 97 words that end in "ly" in this chapter. Not all of these are adverbs, but most are. I've learned the hard way that adverbs are something to be avoided -- Stephen King says the road to hell is paved with adverbs. Usually the adverb either adds nothing and slows down the narrative, or else there is a more active way to say the same thing. Here's an example from your chapter:
Your text:
The foul stench of evil hung heavy in the air as Gabriel quickly departed the busy airport terminal
My Comment: Except for the adverb "quickly" this is a great first line. You might consider something like:
COMMENT HERE The foul stench of evil hung heavy in the air as Gabriel raced from the busy airport terminal
"Raced" is a more active image than "quickly departed" and thus keeps the reader more actively engaged in your story. Here's another:
Your text:
She started to reach for her terrycloth robe but she quickly pulled her hand back as if she’d been shocked.
My Comment: Using a verb like "snatched" would make this more active than "quickly removed."

Passive Voice
Your text:
His attention was forced back to Nala as she started making surprised sounds like she was trying something for the first time and finding it quite enjoyable.
My Comment:
Surprised sounds oozed from Nala, as though she were trying some for the first time, and riveted his attention back to her body, which was now writhing in pleasure.
I'm sure you can write something more evocative than this -- the idea is to replace the "was forced" to a more active verb.

"to be" usage While not passive voice, often various forms of the verb "to be" can be eliminated for a more active image. This one is really hard for me -- I do this all the time and people are always correcting me for it. Here's an example from your text:
Your text:
She was picturing him in the shower with her.
My Comment: "was picturing" is the phrase that could be improved. You might say "she pictured him" or, for a stronger image, something like
He sensed a clear picture in her mind of himself, there, in the shower, with her.
Here's another:
Your text:
She refused to believe anything else even though her head was screaming that she was lying to herself.
My Comment: Saying "her head screamed" is more active and thus provides a more vivid image.

There are quite a few POV shifts in this chapter as well -- I've noted several in the line-by-line. Editors call this "head-hopping" and it is also discouraged, precisely because it tends to take the reader out of the story.

One of the major suggestions I have for you is that you consider going back over this chapter with a view to eliminating as many adverbs as possible, all of the passive voice, and reviewing every place that a form of "to be" appears. I won't belabor these by pointing them out in the line-by-line: I'm sure you can find them yourself.

Plot
Gabriel is -- apparently -- a magician on a mission to rescue Nala, who has great intrinsic magick, but is unaware of her powers. He finds her and two first have an intense telepathic sex scene, then later have a real-life one. Despite his reservations, Gabriel finds himself involved with her.

Sara, one thing that I'm told is that it is difficult to put a sex scene in a first chapter, before the characters are fully developed. While these two scenes seemed to be a bit abrupt to me, I'm probably not experienced enough to do more than just pass on that comment. I wonder if the first, telepathic scene could be made a bit less explicit, and if that might make the second scene have a bit more punch?

Setting
Gabriel's car, Sara's house, back yard, etc. All adequately described.

Characters
Gabriel and Nala are the active characters. There are several references to other other characters, including the antagonist. There is plenty here to set up the coming plot and conflict between the various characters, including the potential for a love interest between the two protagonists -- and the likelihood of jealousy from Gabriel.

In truth, it didn't really ring quite true to me that Nala was have sexual feelings for the first time in her life and, at age 25, had her first orgasm...but then I'm a gay guy so what do I know?

I do think that the physical descriptions of the characters should come much earlier in the chapter. What if your reader had imagined Gabriel with long, flowing, blond hair, for example? When you finally describe him with a buzz cut, that takes the reader out of the story.

Referencing
Mostly modern-day, but there are a lot of references to magick and other critical elements to the plot. I was able to pick up the meaning for all of the terms from context, so this was very well done!

Grammar
A few things -- see the line-by-line.

Line Edits

Your text:
As he got closer to his destination, he realized that the evil vibe he’d been sensing was starting to recede,
My Comment: You used "Vibes" in the preceding sentence. Repeating words like this tends to give your prose a monotone feel and is better avoided. Also, "was starting to recede" would be better if it were just "started to receded."

Your text:
She saw only the most hopeless cases and was able to heal most of them with just one or two visits. There was only a handful of patients she had to see on a regular basis.
My Comment: "only" is repeated in these two sentences -- see above. I won't belabor this by pointing out occasions of repeated words.

Your text:
No one other than Gabriel would be able to detect either of them for the next forty eight hours but since he could detect Nala, he assumed she could probably detect him as well if she knew what she was looking for. The spell also protected their minds from being controlled by others though it obviously didn’t protect them from each other.
My Comment: This all felt rather like "telling" rather than "showing" -- another way to keep your reader engaged is to show things like this -- perhaps in conversation -- rather than telling it narrative. Also, do we need these details of the spell at this instant, or could they be relayed later?

Your text:
Nala sank down to the floor of her tub and let the lukewarm water pour over her. She tried to figure out what had made her react so strangely.
My Comment: This marks the first of several POV shifts between Nala and Gabriel. At a minimum, I'd set these off with "**" or something to mark the shift. I'd consider telling the whole chapter from Gabriel's POV.

Your text:
Gabriel groaned as he saw Nala parading around in her kitchen naked.
My Comment: Five paragraphs later we're back in Gabriel's head...

Your text:
Until he connected with the green eyed beauty in the house.
My Comment: Thisi is a sentence fragment...if it is an internal thought of Gabriel, that's okay. However, internal thoughts should be italics.

Your text:
When she heard the creak of the gate being opened, she stood up from her vulnerable position to see who was invading her private santuary.
My Comment: typo: sanctuary.

Your text:
She knew that if he took his shirt off, she’d see a perfectly formed chest with no hair and a flat six-pack stomach with just a tiny strip of hair leading to his tapered waist and large penis that fit into her body perfectly.
My Comment: "penis" seems a bit clinical -- if you want a more indirect word than the ones you used earlier, you could say "manhood" for example. I think that Carol has posted a list of words useful to erotica authors...

Your text:
Which answered his question of whether they had shared dreams.
My Comment: ...another fragment...

Your text:
he was surprised to hear her old friend’s name come out of the big man’s mouth. Evander, the only friend she had and who was really more like a father to her as she grew up in the orphange,
My Comment: typo: orphanage.

Your text:
He could try mind control but if she really wanted to resist him, she could since she was much more powerful than him.
My Comment: I think it should be "than he."
COMMENT HERE

Your text:
For the first time in Gabriel’s life, he was angry with everyone at the Vardo who had let Nala live alone and frightened of her wonderful gifts.
My Comment: I think there might be a word missing here...

Your text:
“Actually, I think you are the most beautiful woman I know and I enjoy the way your body responds to me.
My Comment: They've just met, so he doesn't really "know" her...I'd consider "I've seen" or some such.


As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story!

Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA
Max Griffin
Please visit my website at
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/