Erotica Harem

Item Reviewed: Servants of the Night, Chapter 5
Author: Sephina
Reviewer: Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA Max Griffin

General Impressions
This is a good chapter that advances the plot well. The characterizations are also becoming deeper and the motivations of the characters are clearer. There's a few places where the antecedents to pronouns are unclear -- detailed in the line-by-line.

Plot
Cass shows up at the Journalism School to tell Natalie that they can't see each other again and to dissuade her from trying to find their parents. (One wonders how she knew to find Natalie there and that she would be alone...) It is clear that the sisters care deeply for one another and neither can be deflected from their current course of action. Later James learns the details of Natalie's family history and comforts her.

Setting
You give good descriptions of Natalie's room, although they are spread throughout the latter half of the chapter. I'd consolidate them all at the point where Natalie and James enter the bedroom, so that the reader can have a mind's eye picture of the room -- and, coincidentally, doesn't imagine something different from the picture you later paint! This is also an opportunity to tell us a bit more about Natalie -- for example, does she have any family pictures in her room? I bet she has one of Cass, her mother, but not her father, which could be revealing.

Characters
Natalie and Cass continue to emerge as interesting characters in some conflict, despite caring for one another. James is either a Schmuck, gay or a vampire himself as I don't really believe he'd be quite as noble as you present him.

Referencing
This is all good.

Grammar
A couple of things in the line-by-line.

Line Edits

Your text:
A few days before Halloween, Natalie worked in the college’s newspaper office.
My Comment: I'd say she "sat at her desk" or "worked at her desk." As you have it, it sounds like she worked there for the several days preceding Halloween as opposed to the events that follow happening several days before Halloween.

Your text:
She hoped to finish her assignment before the weekend. It would be a big one for Celeste’s coven.
My Comment: Is the antecedent to "it" the weekend or the assignment? That's not clear from what you've written.

Your text:
Celeste would be graduating in the spring and she wanted to pass the coven on to others
My Comment: I think "would graduate" would be better -- as you know, I do this all the time and your good reviews help me find these helping forms of "to be" and eliminate them!

Your text:
“How are you’re classes?”
My Comment: your

Your text:
They stood in silence staring at each other both with tears streaming down their cheeks.
My Comment: I think there should be a comma after "other."

Your text:
When hopelessness settled in, she turned back to the journalism building and stopped when she noticed James staring at her, a look of confusion on his face.
My Comment: She was alone, but now James unexpectedly has appeared. I think you should cue us that she was suprprised to see him as opposed to just "noticed" him.

Your text:
Cassandra tried not to cry after she entered the car. Alex put an arm around her and handed her a tissue.
My Comment: This marks a very short POV shift from Natalie to Cass. I'm not sure that we gain any essential information in this little segment, and I thought it interrupted the flow. I'm guessing that this is a prelude to "the best night of Cass's life" that is upcoming, so it might be better to place this mini-scene there.

Your text:
As the time grew closer, she grew nervous about becoming a vampire.
My Comment: "what time" is not clear until the end of the sentence -- I'd consider re-working the sentencee for clarity.

Your text:
They left the building. The crisp air cooled her face as they walked.
My Comment: These two short sentences seemed a bit jerky to me -- I'd consider combining them into one sentence.

Your text:
Both were good at what they did. For the most part, everyone liked the way he handled his administration.
My Comment: Technically, a Senator doesn't have an "administration" -- that word usually refers to the executive branch. You might say his "office" since that is what a congressional staffer manages.

Your text:
Lasko would do what dad couldn’t and often did behind his back.
My Comment: Who did what behind who's back? For clarity, I'd consiter, "and he often did it behind his back..."

Your text:
Sometimes, I’m angry with my dad and think he deserves what happened to him.”
My Comment: Since she doesn't know what happened to him, "whatever" seems a better word choice.

Your text:
The next thing she knew, her alarm clock rung and he was gone.
My Comment: I think you mean she fell asleep, he left, and then she woke up the next morning to her alarm clock, but the sequence wasn't entirely clear.


As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story!

Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA
Max Griffin
Please visit my website at
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/