Erotica Harem

Item Reviewed: Voyeur, Part 1
Author: Jon1260
Reviewer: Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA Max Griffin

General Impressions
Jon,
I love stories about people on the edge, people who can't control their obsessions and so descend into the unknown. This one seems to be just my kind of story!

Plot
Kevin has a boring job, an annoying co-worker, a pressing deadline, and a beloved balcony garden. None of this matters after he spies a muscular Adonis in the apartment complex across the street. More and more obsessed, he eventually purchases binoculars to spy on him.

I can guess where this is headed, but that doesn't make it any less pleasurable to read!

Initially obsessed over his garden, but then it vanished from his psyche and the story. That seemed a bit incongruous -- but I understand this is part one.

Setting
Lots of great descriptions of the view from the apartment, the balcony garden and Atlanta. The office is more sparsely described, but so far not much happens there.



Characters
Kevin, lonely and obsessed. Alice, annoying and critical. The hunky guy across the street. Oh, and the unseen Stutmans, whose accounts constitute the pressing deadline.

Initially Alice seemed like a buddy, but later she seemed more like a critical supervisor. Overall, her two appearances didn't quite seem consistent.

Referencing
Nice local color for Atlanta.

Grammar
Not much-- see the line-by-lines

Line Edits


Your text:
He was poised behind a giant palladium window of the penthouse on the top floor across the way,
My Comment: "was poised" is passive. I was also a bit confusing by the staging here. "Penthouse" implies to me a top-floor apartment, but earlier I had the impression it was just an apartment inside the block across the street.

Your text:
Each retching experience left him drenched in sweat and drained.
My Comment: When I first read this, I thought you must have meant "wretched" but then later you imply that nausea accompanied the dreams. I wonder if you might make that clearer here?

Your text:
He stepped out onto the terrace and moved to the railing and gazed at the horizon, which wasn’t nearly as beautiful like the other day.
My Comment: This sentence seemed to run-on a bit.


As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story!



Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA
Max Griffin
Please visit my website at
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/