Erotica Harem

Item Reviewed: Blindfold
Author:Psionic Master
Reviewer: Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA Max Griffin

General Impressions
Hi Scott,

Fans self.... This was highly erotic and very imaginative!!! Very creative and well done!

My biggest suggestion has to do with point of view, which seemed to wander back and forth between Corey and Ethan. One of the first things I learned here was the importance of POV, especially in erotic scenes. Staying focused inside the head of one or the other partner increases the intimacy and helps keep the reader's imagination engaged. I think what I'd suggest is staying with one of them -- probably Corey -- throughout. It makes the scene a little harder to write in places as you have to give the nonverbal cues about Ethan that lets Corey infer what he is thinking and feeling, but it it is well worth it for the increased intimacy. This piece is already erotically charged, and I think that one change would make it even more irresistible.

Plot
Corey returns home from working out and finds that his lover Ethan has prepared a culinary surprise for him in the bedroom, of sorts. After Corey gets his well-seasoned massage, the tables turn and, still blindfolded, he returns the favor. The whole scene is sensuous and engages all of the senses -- sight, sound, touch, smell and taste -- in an erotic smorgasboard!

Setting
They guy's home, mostly their bedroom. Descriptions here are sparse, but enough to keep us going for the, er, climax.

Characters
Ethan and Corey. I guess I would have liked a tiny bit more description of them (hairy or smooth, for example) but that might be just me.

Referencing
Suburb of Boston. Seemed all good. I wouldn't mind some specific Boston references to traffic around the Big Dig or something, but that surely is not necessary.

Grammar
See line-by-lines.
Line Edits


Your text:
The sun was setting as Corey pulled his SUV into the driveway of his house, which was nestled in a suburb of Boston.
My Comment: Phrases like "was setting" and "was nestled" are not as active as they might be. In the latter case, just eliminating the "was" would be sufficient, I think. Those "helper" forms of "to be" sneak into my prose all the time too, and usually you can safely eliminate them and make it more vivid by doing so.

Your text:
Corey heard the soft footsteps of his lover enter, and then felt him climb onto the bed, straddling his waist.
My Comment: Saying what "Corey heard" or felt are not quite as strong as just saying, for example, his feet made soft padding sounds when he entered the room, or the bed swayed when he climbed on it. That keeps the reader inside Corey's head, describing what he heard and felt.

Your text:
He flinched slightly as a warm, liquid was poured into the crevice formed in his back from lat muscles.
My Comment: "was poured" is passive voice.

Your text:
Corey moaned softly.
My Comment: I have this fetish about never using adverbs. Since this is the only one in this piece, I can't scold you for over-using them. I'll just note that I think there's almost always a stronger way to write something without an adverb.

Your text:
Every muscle in his body relaxed by Ethan contracted in a mixture of pain and pleasure.
My Comment: This sentence seemed a bit confusing -- perhaps insert "now" after "by Ethan?" Also, "relaxed by" is passive voice again.

As always, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story!



Bill, AKA Mathguy, AKA
Max Griffin
Please visit my website at
http://members.cox.net/maxgriffin/