Erotica Harem

Sephina
Chapter one
Servants of the Night

Reviewer’s Note (Included in all works I review): If I didn’t like your work, I would not take the time to review it at all. My comments are meant to help you improve, but such comments are always the opinion of the reviewer. I have been criticized for being blunt with the correction and spare with the praise. I make no apology for that. When I praise a work it is well-deserved, and you can take pride in your exceptional writing. For suggestions, please ignore anything that, in your own opinion, does not assist you. The work is, after all, your creation and yours to do with as you please.
Anything worth doing is worth doing well.
Smiles,
Mikita

Characters: Natalie is pretty well rounded for only the first chapter. I’d like a bit more mystery in James. Celeste is probably the easiest for me to see because she is a bit of a “type”. The leader, not of the popular girls, but of the coven. I see Ellen as a sort of hanger on. Goths could come on a little stronger.

Plot: We know something bad happened to Natalie’s family, at least her father and maybe her sister. That isn’t really clear, but that’s okay. Obviously to the reader, vampires were involved. For Natalie, I don’t think she’s really thinking vampires, but she is searching the magic in the area to find out.

Setting: You always do a nice job on setting. For me, it was more than enough.

Reference: I’m not sure if there is any place for it, but you should try to get in the specifics about “your” vampires as soon as you can. How are they the same or different than those in other books? If you don’t, people assume things and it is hard to change their minds.


Chapter One


Natalie VanSkylore tried to hide by sinking further into the cushions of the couch. The two men grew fangs and stared at each other. They positioned themselves in a fighting stance. Her sister, Cassandra, stood close by, her deep violet eyes filled with terror. The men growled. One leapt for the other and Natalie cringed, afraid they would knock each other onto the couch with her. The men moved so fast, she feared to find a better hiding place, scared of getting in their way.
I would add here, scared for herself and scared for her sister. That means in the later paragraphs, you are really wondering what happened to Cassandra. You do say it, but I would push it a little for the slower readers.

“Goddess, we open our hearts and minds to you this evening. Please shower your blessing on us, for those who are returning and the new ones who are seeking.” Celeste’s strong voice jolted her out of her memories that brought her to this coven.

Cassandra, where are you now? Natalie wondered, glancing out at the darkening sky before turning her attention to her friend.

After the prayer, Celeste began her speech. Natalie met everyone in the coven for the first time this evening. The gathering tonight was not their usual type where they performed rituals or celebrated some event. This was an introductory meeting about Wicca. Natalie had met Celeste at the college club fair and made an effort to become her friend.

IMHO this is a better beginning. It has a stronger hook because it hints at Natalie’s feelings rather than focusing on the prayer which is not that important. You can put the above 3 paragraphs after you have the reader hooked.
Becoming Wiccan didn’t interest her per se, but she hoped it would help her with what she sought. She had not told Celeste her goal for wanting to join and she felt guilty for not sharing with her new friend. These people believed in magic to some degree, but she wasn’t sure if they could believe her story.then put the preceding 3 paragraphs here. JMHO

Celeste brushed a strand of dark red hair behind an ear as she talked to the others. Natalie tuned her out to observe those who sat in the circle. Celeste already told her everything she would cover anyway.

About twenty students listened in the small study room in Celeste’s dorm, but some would not stay, according to her friend. They all sat in a circle of chairs and small couches with blue, purple, and red upholstery. They’d pushed long tables against the pale blue wall by a window overlooking the campus and street below.
The group consisted of women and a few men. In fact, three of the boys had introduced themselves to her upon their arrival. Celeste warned her that might happen. She believed no matter what groups she joined, the college boys would flock to the freshman girls. Natalie had seen no evidence to the contrary.

As her gaze roamed the room, she stopped on one of the men who hadn’t introduced himself. She caught his name as they went around the circle to introduce themselves to the group. James? He said he had been a member of the coven for a year. He flashed her a smile and her heart beat a little quicker. His cute face attracted her, but she wasn’t here to shop for a boyfriend. She returned his smile and lowered her gaze to her lap, hoping to hide behind the dark brown curls falling into her face.

“You’re all invited to the autumn equinox gathering, but until you’re accepted into the coven, you can’t participate, only observe.” Celeste’s warm, but firm, voice filled the room.

She risked glancing at James again. Tufts of his chocolate hair stood in unruly fashion, but only added to his good looks. He wore a loose, button-down, white shirt and black jeans. He watched Celeste, but must have sensed her gaze because his attention darted back to Natalie. He smiled and she returned it before focusing back on Celeste.

That’s not why I came here. She could never give up her objective until she achieved it, but since she met Celeste, she found she wanted friends. Now, a couple of smiles from James, she found herself wanting to date again. Since her parents’ disappearance, her social life had died. Celeste made her believe there was room in her life for friends. After all, finding clues to her parents’ whereabouts would be far and few between. I knew her sister disappeared. Is her parents disappearance included at this same time.

In the two years they had been missing, she had found little information about them. In the past few months, she considered giving up, but she couldn’t bring herself to. She wished to know what had happened, and if the man who she believed caused it all still existed, she needed to confront him.

Before long, the meeting broke and people started to leave or drift into smaller groups. As Celeste’s friends clustered around her, she turned her pale-green gaze on Natalie.

“Do you want to come to the coffeehouse with us?”

“I’d like that.” The words barely left her mouth before James strode up to them.

“Mind if I tag along?” he asked.

Now that he stood next to her, she noticed his blue-green eyes, a color she had never seen before. She wondered if he wore contact lenses. Many people thought her mother and sister wore contacts because their eyes were violet.

“Of course not, James.” Celeste smiled. “In case you didn’t catch it, her name is Natalie.”
I would change the way this is said to make it more of an introduction instead of Celeste talking as if Natalie isn’t there.

“I remember.” James grinned and her heart pounded faster.

“Nice to meet you.” Her cheeks warmed.

“Are you a freshman?” he asked, as the group started to head out of the dorm.

“Yeah. You said that you’ve been here at least a year.” As they stepped out into the night, a breeze caught the cologne he wore. The light, masculine scent caused a tingle race down her middle. She wanted to stop and fill her lungs with it.

He nodded. “I’m a sophomore. What are you majoring in?”

“Journalism, I think.” Natalie’s father had been a senator. What she observed during his tenure often disgusted her. She used to want to be a journalist so she could help keep the government in line. Once her father disappeared, she became appalled with the media. A senator doesn’t go missing without an uproar being made about it. Their actions encouraged her to want to change the industry. She knew her reasons were a bit idealistic. Now, she hoped journalism would allow her to develop the necessary skills to make connections that would help her to find her parents.

James laughed. “It seems like most people are unsure of their majors when they first get here.”

“What are you majoring in?”

They entered a small residential area between the campus and the coffee shop. The homes in this area were, for the most part, college rentals. While the majority of them appeared worn, the yards held huge trees that hinted at the coming fall, improving the image of the properties.

The smell of charcoal and hamburger wafted through the air as students took advantage of the last warm days of the season. Every once in a while she thought she detected the scent of beer too.

Natalie spotted Celeste chatting with her friends a few feet ahead, glancing back on occasion at them. Their voices contrasted with the buzzing of the locusts.

“Criminal Justice.”

“What are you planning on doing with it?”

“I’m hoping to become a FBI agent, but it’s tough to get into their academy. I may have to settle for the police. Work my way up to detective or something.” He shrugged.

Annoyance panged her at the mention of the FBI. Sometimes, they still called her wanting answers to more questions. Her father left a note explaining he must go, taking her mother with him. He stated that Cassandra and her would be safe now. This is in the subjective case. Should be She and Cassandra. The FBI kept in contact in case her parents contacted her.

“Where are you from?” he asked.

“I’ve lived here, in Athenia my whole life.”

“That must have been nice.” His face became wistful.

She shrugged. “We lived out on the edge of the city. I suppose we have access to more things than a small town would.”

“You got that right.”

“I guess you’re from a small town?” She brushed against his arm, avoiding a huge crack in the sidewalk. The warmth from the brief touch made her want more.
A little too much small talk, but that’s JMO… if this has to do with the plot it is okay ,but don’t make it too long. It’s slowing the book and we are only on page 3. It is acceptable later, but right now, we don’t care where they live or lived.

“Belten.”

“I’ve never heard of it.”

“I’m not surprised. It’s south of here. Don’t get me wrong, there are some nice things about living in a small town. It’s quiet and people know you. That’s part of the problem too. Once people in the town decide who you are, it’s hard to change their perceptions.”

“I’ve never thought about it that way. Most of the time, people look at it as like a good thing.” She rubbed her arm, needing to do something with them. The sidewalk became narrow. Her body threatened to bump into James. As much as she might like an excuse to touch him, she didn’t want to take the chance. Like he could sense my desires through a tiny swipe.

“I guess it can be. In a small town, you just don’t have the exposure to culture and diversity as you do here in the city.”

She admitted to herself that Athenia did have a lot going for it, despite it’s location in the Midwest. Being the largest city in the region, it was a beacon for those fleeing the conservative area.

“It seems you like it here.”

“For the most part.” His face darkened.

She remained silent, feeling she didn’t know him well enough to pry.

They reached the crowded coffee shop and pushed their way to the counter joining Celeste and the others. They talked to them while they made their orders.

The smell of roasted beans and toasted bread filled the air. Near the table holding condiments, students climbed a stairway leading to an upper level. Another sitting area lay beyond the staircase, she couldn’t see much of it, but the olive walls held student art. Though the mismatched furniture appeared worn, it still looked comfy.

This is really getting to be too much description for me. I think you could have arrived at the coffee shop with only a paragraph of the walk, just enough to get her excited. That’s the point isn’t it?

“This is a busy place.” She found herself pressed up against James’s back, and noticed her pale blue shirt did nothing to hide her nipples.
nice description.

“This is one of the more popular college hangouts.” He twisted his head a little so she could hear him over the clamor. The warmth in her cheeks faded upon realizing he couldn’t see her chest.

When the barista returned with her drink, she cocked her head to the side, and said, “You look familiar. Do we have a class together?”

Natalie couldn’t remember seeing the girl in any of her classes. She suppressed a sigh, guessing the reason she looked familiar. Anyone who paid attention to the news would have seen her in the background as the reporters delivered their accounts about her father. Good point.

“I’m sorry. I don’t think so.”

“Hmm.” The girl shrugged and returned to her job.

Natalie followed the others back outside to a table in front of the sand-colored, brick shop. The furniture out here did match, made from green-painted metal. They settled under one of the small trees that held strands of white Christmas lights in its branches. Natalie liked it out here. Groups of students talked and laughed, giving the place a cheery atmosphere. I’m really not caring about the furniture, but some might, so you have to have a balance.

They hadn’t been sitting for long before a young man with dyed, black hair obscuring part of his face came over to the table. Eyeliner outlined the one eye not hidden by hair. With dark eyeliner defining the eye not hidden by his hair, black clothes and a glinting silver chain, he strolled over from a table with others dressed like himself.

“Hey, James,” he said, sharing a handshake.

“Nick.” James returned his greeting.

Nick returned to a slouching position as he stood. “You goin’ to come to the club this weekend? We haven’t seen you lately.”

“I was thinking about it.”

“You should come by. We haven’t seen you all summer.” He tossed his head to the side and his hair feathered back for a brief moment.

“I know. I had to go back home, but I will try to be there.”

“I’ll be looking for you then.”

“See you around.”

After Nick rejoined his friends at his table, Ellen, one of Celeste’s friends said, “How can you stand to hang out around those goth people? They’re so depressing when they’re not being creepy.” Her plump face scrunched in disgust.

“Most of them are pretty cool. It’s just a few of them who give the rest a bad rep. You know, it’s that way with Wiccans too. Or any other group for that matter.” True.

Ellen leaned back, crossing her arms. The sour look on her face indicating she wished to argue more, but she remained silent. Who is Ellen? We should have seen her sooner.

Natalie wanted to find out more about the goths, too. When the others moved on to to a new topic of conversation, she leaned over to James and asked, “So, you go to goth clubs?” As his scent filled her again, she almost didn’t hear his answer. She imagined nuzzling her nose against his neck to smell more of him.

“Sometimes.”

“Can I go with you this weekend?”

His eyes widened in surprise. “Sure, but I wouldn’t think you’re the type. But, you don’t seem the Wiccan type either.”

Tracing the lid of the cup with a finger, she peered up at him through her lashes.

“Neither do you.”

He seemed to debate something in his head before he said, “Maybe. I do know, I’m going to have to give you some advice on dressing before we go. You don’t want to stand out.”

She smiled. “You can come over to my room this week and tell me what to wear then.”

“I can do that.” He sat up in his chair. “What dorm are you in?” His eyes widened and the corners of his mouth twitched.

“If you want to leave now, you can walk me back and I’ll show you.”

“Sure.”

They said their goodbyes to the table with Celeste giving her a mischievous wink. Natalie knew she’d be asking all sorts of questions about James tomorrow. They walked down a tree-lined street back to the campus. By now, the orange streetlights lit the dark road.

“So, why do you want to join the coven?” he asked, putting his hands in his pockets.

“I’m curious.” Again, she felt guilty for not telling the whole truth.

His blue-green gaze narrowed in suspicion. “I don’t think that’s the full reason.”

Maybe he will make a good detective.

“I’m looking for something.” She kicked a stray plastic bottle out of her path.

“What?”

“Information.”

“About?”

She continued to look at the ground, not wanting to meet his eyes. “I’d rather not say.”

He nodded. “I guess that’s fair enough. I don’t mean to be nosey.”

“It’s ok. Why did you become Wiccan?” She glanced at his profile.

“I guess it has to do with why I want a career in law enforcement. I’ve been hoping Wicca would give me other ways to protect those I care about.”

“Has it?”

He shrugged. “There are protective spells, but I’m not sure how well they work. Celeste isn’t much into the magic. She wants to honor the god and goddess, and celebrate the seasons.”

“I see.” The more Natalie learned about Wicca, the more she doubted whether it could help her. Yet, it led her to James, who would be leading her to another possibility. “Are you really goth then?”

“No, but they’re a group also interested in magic, or so I believed. Some of them do, but I’m not sure any of them know anything useful.”

“Do you believe in magic?”

“I’m not sure.” He chuckled. “If I were more certain, than maybe my magic would work better.”

“You’ve tried spells then?” She tried not to appear too curious.

“A couple, but they were blessing type things. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell. I guess if I had more faith, I’d see it.”

“You’re still sticking with it.” She couldn’t keep the hope out of her voice.

“Yeah. If anything else, the people are nice. I keep hoping to learn something more powerful.”

When they reached her dorm, she faced him. She couldn’t help but notice how close he stood, and how soft his lips looked.

“Here’s my place. Have you seen anything strange that can’t be explained?”

“Not really. Sometimes, when I’m doing a ritual with the others, I can, but I’m never sure if it’s my imagination or not. What about you?”

She paused unsure how to answer. When she first saw Cassandra’s friend, and her father’s political advisor bare fangs and fight, she had no idea what she had witnessed. Cass’s friend, Alexander Langston, tried to make her forget, she had, but the memory came back. She knew what her father had become.

“I’ve seen some strange things that shouldn’t be.” She glanced up into his eyes.

He studied her, and she could tell he wanted to know more, but not certain if he should ask. Finally, he said, “You’ll have to tell me sometime.”

“I hope so.” She wanted to her story with someone else. It ached at times. She needed a friend to listen and not think her crazy. Maybe then, the memories wouldn’t haunt me and I wouldn’t feel so alone. She tried to encourage her sister to talk about it, but Cass always told her to let it be, that she took care of it.

“I’ll call you soon.” He caressed her arm and let his fingers drag down to her wrist before leaving.
Nice moment at the end.