Erotica Harem

Title of Book: Gestaway

Chapter #: Chapter 2

Author: Olivia; DarkAngel

My comments are meant in the spirit of helping us all become better as artists; never meant to discourage or demean anyone. Use what you like and toss the rest!) !!


Setting : Mr. & Mrs. Chesnut’s home, in the bathroom. Not much description of the home, but not sure it’s necessary since the action was moving quickly with the viewing of the body next to the tub. The murder scene was described very well, with enough of the medical gargon to be interesting but not overbearing. There was a lack of smell in the chapter, but the other senses were all there.

Characters: Coop, Manny, Elaine Kenney, M.E., Bill McGuire, Lieutenant Guerrero, and several minor characters. I really like Coop, whom I believe is going to be the main character in the story. We learn so much of him from his dialog, inner thoughts and actions. I liked Manny too. Couldn’t tell much about Elaine Kenney – and don’t know if she’s going to be a major character or not. If not, perhaps she doesn’t need a name – but you may have plans to continue this character further.


Referencing: I felt the demeanor of Coop and the other crime scene personnel was spot-on and very good.


Plot: Roger and Abby are at the office; big meeting coming up, but Abby is not feeling well. She goes home early. Roger stays to attend the meeting, but “senses” something is not amiss. He goes home, realizes something is not right upon entering his apartment and then moves to the bathroom and discovers “something”. The readers doesn’t know what is found in the bathroom, only that Roger is shocked by what he finds.


Grammar: I’m sorry but I made numerous suggestions and corrections again as I would edit my own material. The biggest area I see are missing commas, misspelled words and some language translation. The story, however, is strong – so, once these are edited, the chapter will be very strong indeed.


General: This is my favorite chapter so far! I really enjoyed meeting Coop and Manny at the crime scene. Of course, writing mystery/suspense myself, I like dead bodies and the investigations. This chapter reveals a lot; the dead body of a woman connected to a powerful law firm, she was pregnant with child, the husband appears to be totally distraught, there are hints of a serial killer or former case connection, etc. Lots of groundwork laid in this chapter. Great job!

____________________________________________________________________________


At work


9.10 p.m.


Coop was pissed.

On the one hand, (comma) his colleague Stephanie Burke was on maternity leave. He thanked God she’d return the following Monday. On the other hand, (comma) his interim partner surprised everyone by quitting his job yesterday evening (last night?) . Unfortunately, (comma) he forgot to inform Coop. He didn’t exactly jump}ed with joy when he came to work this morning and as Captain Byrd told him. Now, (comma) he was left (passive voice – “was left”) with twelve open cases and the paperwork belonging to them. Damn it! Why couldn’t this stupid ass wait until Monday? It was only three fucking days, for god’s sake! (internal thoughts should be in italics) He considered briefly driving over to Vice and telling him off for this, but it wasn’t worth wasting time with it his time . There was too much work to be done do .

Now this! (put in italics) After he’d finished most of the paperwork, (comma) he was almost out of the door and lookeding forward to seeing his family -, when Captain Byrd called him back and landed him with this new case. At least the crime scene was only a few streets away from the precinct.

This It was the reason he wasn’t exactly considerate when he pushed his way through the onlookers to the yellow tape. Most of them were well dressed and carried briefcases or bags from boutiques or delis. The ones Those who happened to stand in his way shot him annoyed looks. ‘What do are you doing here?‘, they seemed to say. ‘Have you taken the wrong turn somewhere?‘ (I’m not sure where the previous is going? I’m lost on its meaning.) All of them loudly demanded to know why they weren’t allowed (passive voice – “weren’t allowed”.) to enter their building.

“Sorry, Sir“, a swarthy officer said, “but you can’t get in. This is a crime scene-“

“I’m Lieutenant Craig“, he interrupted the officer. “I’m with the Special Victims Squad.“ He showed him his badge and ID.

“I’m sorry, Sir“. (period) The officer apologized and lifted the tape.

Coop nodded, (comma) then climbed up the stairs to the front door. The uniform is right, he thought (no necessary to use the tag of “he thought” since you put the inner thoughts in italics) . In his jeans and leather jacket, (comma) he didn’t look like the average detective who usually wore a suit and tie. This way (Dressed like this) he felt best.

In the lobby, (comma) he again proved showed or flashed his identity, then stepped into the private elevator. He felt the funny looks (suggestion: “peering eyes” ) of the uniforms behind his back him. He was used to them staring at him and his colleagues, (comma) as if they were some exotic animals in the zoo. The words Special Victims had this effect on people. Most people (repeated word: people) didn’t want face what was everyday life for them, because then, (comma) they had to acknowledge that personified evil existed in the world(?) . It was easier to ignore them, make dirty jokes or despise them than to accept what had happened(?).

The elevator stopped and the doors opened. He took a deep breath and stepped out into a small lobby.

For a moment, (comma) he was stunned. He stood in the entrance of a spacious living room that was half as big as his own house - at least it seemed so to him. There were large windows on two sides that provided a breathtaking view of the Central Park. It was furnished (passive voice – “was furnished”) with noble furniture: dark leather couches with matching armchairs, a big-screen TV, a couch table made of some dark wood, (comma) and bookshelves in the spaces between the windows that were aching under their content (bookshelves don’t “ache” but I know what you’re trying to convey. Perhaps, “that were bowing from the contents”) . …and Plants were all over the place in big terracotta pots, some of them had full of beautiful, colorful blossoms.

“Hey“, a rough voice greeted him.

It belonged to Manuel Guerrero, his former partner, who stood in the entrance of a corridor. Two years ago, (comma) he transferred to Homicide because he couldn’t bear working Special Victims anymore. Coop didn’t blame him. Working with the dead was easier than working with raped and maltreated women and children. For a brief moment, (comma) Olivia appeared in his mind’s eye, but he pushed the memory away.

After enduring such a trauma, (comma) nothing was like appeared as it used to be. The victims lost their dignity, their self-esteem and their trust in themselves, (comma) as well as and society. They often blamed the latter that nobody helped them when they needed it most, even if they knew something was wrong. (can you tighten this sentence up to read less vague. Caution using “they” too much, describe whom you’re speaking or you’ll likely to confuse the reader) They Victims of Sex Crimes (?) relived their assault in nightmares and flashbacks. Many of them had experienced uncontrollable changes of mood, (comma) or thought about committing suicide. Sadly, some of them did followed through.

It was especially bad when the offender was someone they knew (know to them (?) like their a boyfriend, husband or father – the people they would go turn to first if they suffered from a trauma. That these persons were the reason for the trauma destroyed their faith in literally everything. Often it took years for them to regain it.

It wasn’t easy for the victim’s relatives either. They couldn’t imagine what the victim went through. They could barely deal with the diverse post-traumatic symptoms. Most people had an exact idea of violent crimes: if the victim’s experience and behavior in the aftermath didn’t match their idea they quickly got annoyed with the victim. This collision of abstract idea and true life was too often the case.

Surviving a sex crime changed everything, most of all social connections. Coop and his colleagues had seen too many relationships die over them – engagements and marriages, friendships and family ties. The latter was especially the case when the offender was a family member and the others believed him more than the victim. Another sad truth he was confronted (passive) with too often.

Coop often thought about quitting Special Victims. Whenever this was the case however (he experienced such thoughts) , he heard (recalled?) again Olivia’s shaky, (comma) little girl voice and that kept him going. (period) But he didn’t want to think about her now. There was a task he had to concentrate on first.

“Hey“, he greeted back.

Guerrero was short, 5‘7, corpulent and had a thick walrus mustache and sharp dark eyes. Coop was tall, 6‘5, but had a slender yet strong build, dark hair and green eyes.

“Why the hell you insist on me, Manny, huh?“, he wanted to know, still slightly pissed. “ You’re aware that I have thirty-nine colleagues who would gladly help you?“

Manny raised his eyebrows and the corners of his mouth began to twitch suspiciously.

“Don’t you dare laughing at me! That’s the last thing I need now. It’s enough that my so-called partner dumped me. Now, (comma) I sit on twelve open cases and have other things to do than hanging out with you.“

“I never knew you were such a sissy, Craig.“ Manny looked at him with wide eyes, then (and) winked at him. „ “Now shut up and follow me. You definitely want to know what happened to here.“

He disappeared into the corridor. Coop shook his head, then crossed the living room and followed Manny.

He heard a man sobbing behind a closed door to his left. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. What had happened here that made a grown man cry like a baby? (inner thought – put in italics)

He stopped next to Manny and greeted the M.E., Elaine Kenney from CSU and the police photographer.

In front of him was a spacious bathroom. The walls were tiled (passive) with blue and white mosaic tiles. On his right was a large filled tub and next to it, partly hidden by the door, a glass shower cubicle. On his left was a toilet, a large window with a view to the Park and in the back corner, (comma) a washstand (one word?) . The wash basins were integrated (passive) into a two inch thick, (comma) marble top. A large mirror hung on the wall over the washstand (one word?) . His own, (comma) careworn face stared back at him.

Hell!, he thought. I look like shit. He quickly looked away and concentrated on what was happening at his feet.

The naked body of a woman was lying on the floor next to the tub. The police photographer took pictures of her from every angle the M.E told him to (instructed?). Kenney stood at the back wall and took samples of a large, (comma) shapeless bloodstain. It was located at shoulder height in the gap between the tub and washstand (one word?) . Coop kneeled down to have a better look at her.

The dead woman looked as if she’d put up a fight and lost. She had a bruise on her forehead and a black eye. Her nose was broken and blood smeared. Her skin was noticeably pale, almost transparent. On her upper arms, (comma) she had little (no comma) oval, blue and black colored triangular arranged bruises that contrasted with her skin. Someone had been tough on her. When he saw her abdomen, he gasped. She was approximately four or five months pregnant... like his own wife. NO! Don’t think of her now!

“What do you have, Doc?“, he asked the M.E.

He was a small, slender man in his fifties with gray hair and neon blue eyes. When he smiled, (comma) his face reminded Coop of a human map. Mostly he was as cool as a cucumber {c} (I think this is a cliché) , but now, {b] (comma) he seemed to be slightly upset, although he hid it quite successfully.

“Cause of death is drowning“, Dr. Bill McGuire replied. “I found remnants of foam at her nostrils and in the corner of her mouth. Her body temperature was 36°C. In my opinion, (comma) it doesn’t mean much, because she probably laid in water just as warm. But under no circumstances, was she was under longer than three or four hours in the tub, rather less.“

“How do you know?“

“Look at her fingertips.“ McGuire lifted the woman‘s left hand. “This is a phenomenon that only develops when a body lies in the water for a longer period of time. The epidermis swells, gets wrinkled, softens and finally detaches from the corium. The warmer the environment where it occurs, the faster it occurs (repeated words) . It usually begins at the fingertips and toes and is characteristic for corpses in the water.“

“As if she’s bathed for too long.“

“Exactly.“

“What about her other injuries?“

“They were inflicted on her pre- or ante mortem. Look at her nose. There was heavy bleeding. Worse than one would expect, if she only slipped or fainted and therefore fell against the wall face first. Please notice that there are several blood trails on the wall. And the marks on her upper arms? They only have this rich, (comma) dark color when they’re fresh or at most, (comma) two or three days old. I think that maybe an unknown offender inflicted them on her, but...“

“Do you suggest that her death was premeditated?“, Coop interrupted.

“...they also couldn’t be related directly to her death“, the M.E. finished. Then, (comma) he tilted his head thoughtfully. “They are some strong clues, yes“, he finally said.

Always anxious to have your ass covered, don’t you, Doc?, Coop thought. Then, (comma) he asked: “What happened here, (comma) in your opinion?“

“I don’t like speculations, Lieutenant.“

“Please do us the favor, Doc.“

“An unknown offender attacked her when she went to step into the tub. He gripped her upper arms and smashed her head face first against the wall. From the bloodstains Ms. Kenney counted it was at least three times. (the previous sentence takes us out of Coop’s POV and into Kenney’s – not sure that’s your intent) The guy had to be strong. He must have beat her until she lost consciousness, because there’s no sign she fought him when he put her in the tub. I can tell you more after the autopsy.“

“She was pregnant“, Coop murmured, more to himself. „ (not sure what’s happening to the quotation at the bottom of the line versus the top – I’ve noticed this a few times in the chapter) Who would do this her?“

“Sorry, that is your job“, the M.E. answered, before he turned his attention back to the body.



“C’mon“, Manny said. „let’s see if her husband can answer some questions now.“

Coop didn’t answer (no comma) because a sparkle on the washstand caught his eye. He asked Kenney to bring it over to them. They looked at it. It was a single golden earring with a gemstone in the form of a tear.

Suddenly, (comma) it dawned on Coop. His eyes widened. “What the hell...! Is she who I think she is?“

Without a word, (comma) Manny handed him a transparent evidence bag. It contained a driver’s license of the state (of) (don’t need to put this is parentheses) New York issued on to Abigail Cohen, 30 years old.

It was difficult for him to connect the smashed face of the body at his feet with the smiling blonde with big gray eyes on the photograph of the driver’s license. Now, (comma) he knew why Manny had insisted on him when he called Special Victims.

Seven years ago, (comma) Gail Cohen testified against the ex-boyfriend of her best friend, who had sexually and physically maltreated (abused?) Lauren nine of the eleven months of their relationship. He was sentenced (passive) to twenty years in a state prison and threatened to kill Lauren, Cohen and the responsible prosecutor, when he was released.

“Is there a second one?“, he asked Kenney.

“Haven’t seen one. Why?“

A vague idea formed in his head. “Look for it and call us when you find it, (comma) or more importantly, (comma) don’t find it. That (it?) could be very important.“

“Oh-kay (Okay?) .“ She shot him a curious look. When he didn’t say anything further, she shrugged and continued her work.

“What’s the idea?“, Manny wanted to know.

“Think it over. Guy comes in, bashes her head in, lays her body in the tub and...“

“... pinches a little souvenir?“

“Si.“

“That’s just like him.“

“If it really was him, where do you think the second one will reappear?“

Manny turned pale. “I don’t even wanna think about that.“

“I‘ll call Ossining and ask if he’s still there. If he’s not, (comma) then we have a problem.“

“Not only us. You know someone in Ossining?“

“Yep, went to school with the warden.“

“Nice. That explains some things... You really think it could be him?“

Coop rolled his eyes at Manny’s hidden suggestions. “Ha-ha. Would you have called me in if you didn’t have a suspicion?“

“Guess not. But, (comma) let’s stick to what we know for sure.“

Coop nodded. “Did the husband already give a statement?“

Manny shook his head. “Did you hear him crying? His neighbors heard him scream and called the police. Since then, (comma) he hasn’t uttered a coherent sentence.“

They knocked on the closed door Coop passed earlier and entered.

Two men were sitting on a worn out (two words) , (comma) green leather couch that didn’t fit the modern equipment (I don’t understand this phrase?) well. Cohen’s Couch. Coop remembered well when Manny and him wanted to pick her up to bring her to the precinct for testifying (the previous sentence sounds awkward – can you revise to flow more smoothly?) . She wasn’t finished with dressing yet, (comma) so she asked them to wait for a few minutes.

“Mr. Chestnut, it’s me, Lieutenant Guerrero. This is Lieutenant Craig. Are you able to answer a few questions now?“, he asked with a soft voice.

The man nodded slightly. Manny gave a short nod to his colleague, who got a notepad and a pen out of his jacket; ready to take notes for the report.

“When did you come home from work?“

“A few minutes before... at about eight. Why!?“, He suddenly shouted at them and punched the couch with his fist. “What did she do to end up this way? She is pregnant, dammit!“

“This is what we’re trying to find out“, Manny assured him. “When did you have the last contact with your wife?“

“This afternoon at about four. She brought me a cup of coffee. She... we work at the same law firm. Chestnut, Brewster (space) & (space) Associates. Shortly after we’ve met, (comma) my father enticed her away from another law firm. She’s really good, you know?“

The best, Coop thought. Only a few people would have done what Gail did for her best friend. He didn’t miss that Chestnut spoke in the present of his dead wife. That (It?) was a normal reaction when someone was told (passive) that a person he knew was dead. It would be too painful to acknowledge it right away.

“She... she was exhausted and my father suggested that she should call it a day and go (come?) home to get some rest.“ He swallowed. “That her behavior wasn’t good for the baby... she has... had difficulties with the pregnancy. She... kissed me goodbye.“ His eyes watered. He was about Coops age, thirty-eight, but at the moment, (comma) he looked much older. His eyes were puffed, the lines in his face had deepened and his dark hair was a mess.

“What happened when you came home?“, Manny asked.

“Nothing. I called her to say that I’m here, but she didn’t answer, (comma) as usual. So, (comma) I went looking for her. Then I saw the glow under the bathroom door.“ He started to cry. After he’d calmed down a little, Coop showed him the piece of jewelry.

“Did she wear this today?“

Chestnut looked at him as if he’d grown a second head. “My pregnant wife is dead and you have the cheek (nerve?) to ask me what earrings she wore? Are you nuts!?“, he shouted.

Coop just waited.

“Yes!“

“Both?“

“Yes.“

Coop and Manny exchanged a glance. Now, (comma) there were two possibilities: Either CSU found it or Coop’s theory that the offender kept it was right. (is this an inner thought?)

“Why’s this so important?“, Chestnut wanted to know. Manny’s colleague stopped writing and shot them a curious look.

“CSU only found one until now“, Coop explained.

“So what?“

“You just told us that she wore them both when she left.“

He still didn’t get it.

“We found clues that your wife didn’t die a natural death.“ Although his voice remained soft, Manny spoke in very plain terms.

“No! You have to be wrong. Please say that it was just an accident! Please...“

“I’m sorry, Mr Chestnut. But, (comma) we found injuries that... didn’t match a natural death.“ He paused for a moment to let his words sink in. Then He asked: “You made enemies? Or maybe, (comma) your wife?“

“Some clients claimed that they weren’t satisfied with our work, but that is no reason for...“

“Probably out of work?“

“Not that I know of.“

“Sir“, Coop said in a soft voice. “I’m sorry, but we have to ask. Was your wife involved with someone else?“

“Hell, no!“ (the exclamation provides the shock and action – not necessary to put “no” as “NO”)

“Was someone after her? Maybe loved her, but she rejected him? An ex-boyfriend or an ex-colleague?“

“No.“

“Would she have told you?“

“Of course she’d have done that! We talked about everything.“

You bet, Coop thought.

Three times and no hint of hesitation, but that didn’t mean a thing. Spouses often were the last to know these things. Nevertheless, (comma) they would check her ex-boyfriends, ex-colleagues and... him of course.

“She wore these earrings nearly everyday, you know? She rarely took them off.“ He smiled at the memory.

Manny and Coop exchanged glances.

“Where did she get them from?“, Coop wanted to know. Did he know? (inner thought – put in italics)

“Her best friend gave them to her as a birthday present the day before she moved to California. That’s seven years ago now.“

He obviously didn’t know. Should they tell him? (c:blue} (inner thoughts – put in italics) Helpless, (comma) they looked at each other, then Manny slightly shook his head.

“Thank you, Mr. Chestnut“, Coop said. „That was all for the moment. I’m really sorry for your loss.“

“Thank you, too. Listen, I... I’m sorry, that I-“

“Never mind. We’ll leave you alone now.“

Coop made Manny promise him to keep in touch, then left. He knew that he should go [x}first to the precinct and report to his Captain, but he felt the urgent need to go home and look after (check on his wife to see if she was okay.


Hm, will Coop's fear for his own wife prove him right? See it here:


Jon


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