Erotica Harem

Title: A man and his dog
Chapter: 1
Author: mathguy
Setting:

Half part in a cemetery and the other half in a van. You gave great description, expecially with the monk statue.

Characters:

So far three characters were introduced. The smelly man, Chippie the intelligent dog and Walt the homeless young man sleeping in the cemetery. There were lots of descriptions giving a visual of what the characters look like. So far they are believable and interesting.

Plot

So far it’s about a man trying to get “toys” with the help of his dog. What he does with them is unknown at this time. But it got my curiosity going.

Line Edits

Walt flopped to the floor of””(the) van, blood spouting from a wound in his scalp.

Your text:

The blue van prowled the dark and empty streets.

The van shuttled between shadows and pools of yellow illumination. It crept along, puffing foul exhaust, amidst scraps of trash and the occasional leaf that swirled in random breezes.

My thoughts:

This to me is kind of weird, a phrase alone like that. I would try and integrate it into the paragraph. Maybe something like:

As the blue van prowled the dark, empty streets, it shuttled between shadows and pools of yellow illumination.

Your text:

“Disintegrating” warehouses huddled along one side of the street.

My thoughts:

O_O disintegrating? Houses disappearing and falling apart? I would use another word here unless that’s what you meant.

Just My Personal Opinion:

Wow this is definitely intriguing. It left me with so many questions, which I imagine the answers will come in the next following chapters. Great mystery/thriller by the way. I love those kinds of stories and I haven’t seen or read a good one for a long time, until now. You have a great talent for this style. It just takes breath away, I was hook from the very moment I started to read it.
Thanks for sharing and I look forward to read the other chapters.

Peace
ana


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