Erotica Harem

Plot:
Charlene has had a crappy life so far and is now in a foster home with three other girls.

Character:
Charlene is way messed up and so child-like. I can only hope she'll be more mature if you're going where I think you are with this.

Settings/Descriptions:
Well done.

My Opinion:
Gripping beginning and not the norm for erotica. I'm curious to see where you go with this story.

Edit Notes:
Beware of overusing character names.
Watch the punctuation on dialogue tagging.

Line-By-Line:
THE NEW ARRIVAL
CHAPTER 1

Lost in her thoughts, Charlene Manthis looked through the police car window at the trees wrestling with the wind of the storm. The sound of the rain battering the windshield blended with the conversation of the passengers. Charlene She didn’t want to listen to them. Tired, she stared at her dirty and soiled hands. Then she examined her outgrown white dress which was soaked with rain and her mother’s blood. <--now that's a hook!

The petite woman sitting next to Charlene was a social worker named Miss Janine. She occasionally flashed her yellow teeth in an attempt to reassure Charlene. There was a hint of annoyance in her tone and expressions. She didn’t appear to enjoy helping the traumatized girl. Charlene held her knees together as memories of her parents roamed in her mind.

“If only daddy hadn’t killed mommy,” Charlene whispered to herself. Her hand caressed her throat where her father attempted to strangle her. After he killed her mother, he intended on killing both Charlene and himself but he failed. He was arrested and sent to the hospital to recover. Charlene was the one who alerted the police. She had crawled out of the house and a neighbor came to her rescue. Now Charlene she was left in the hands of her social worker. She had no idea what would happen next. They drove for a long time through villages.

Charlene’s eye glowed. glowed? that would be a slight POV shift--did you mean widened? She was amazed at the red,<-omit comma wood houses. Miss Janine called them barns. Daddy never allowed her to go to school or play outside. She spent most of her time under her bed talking to mommy. The police car stopped in a driveway of a two floors house. It was made of earth colored wild stones and the roof was a rusty brown color. Charlene watched the many trees and noticed a glimpse of a treehouse further on the property. The night was too dark for her to observe more.

“We made it. Here is your new home, sweetie,” the police officer said.

“Come on, dear,” Miss Janine said. She tried to pull Charlene out and grab her arm. Charlene protected herself by raising her hands in front of her face, and moved away toward the other door. Miss Janine let out a sigh, then a growl. She was about to force her out but one of the police officers stopped her. He bent down toward the opened car door. His smile was genuine and his eyes were vibrant.

“You know, I’m sure the lady in the house is very nice. Maybe she has some yummy chocolate cookies and milk? Would you like to have some?” he asked. Charlene hesitated for a moment. His features reassured her somehow and her empty stomach roared at the thought of cookies. Her mother used to buy the blue package ones. She hid them underneath the bed so Daddy wouldn’t steal them. Charlene looked at the officer again and tentatively reached out toward the officer. He lifted her up to carry her inside. Her heart pounded in her chest.

“Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay. You know, my partner tells me that if you look on my head you can see your reflection.” The partner laughed. Charlene tried to see herself. The light of the full moon did reflect on the surface but not her face. The door opened and a bright light from inside blinded her. They entered the kitchen. The police officer gently helped Charlene down. Still frightened, she hid behind the police officer’s leg.

The lady from the house had beautiful high, rosy cheeks as she smiled to her guests. Her tone was warm, welcoming and polite. When she peered at Charlene’s appearance, she gasped and covered her mouth. Her eyes fixated on the stained dress.

Do I look that horrible? Charlene wondered. She looked down at herself. She crossed her arms around her chest. If she covered herself perhaps the lady would stop staring. She trembled and gazed at the tile floor.

I want mommy! she cried in her mind. Her eyes itched as warm tears streaked down her face.

“Come sit here, Charlene. I’ll make you something to eat. What would you like?” the lady asked. She pulled a chair from the kitchen table and signaled her to sit.

“I think Charlene mentioned something about cookies, and a glass of milk?” the officer said. He winked at Charlene who blushed and smiled. The lady intensively looked at him before she agreed. She put cookies on a plate and placed it in front of Charlene. Then she bent down and gazed at her with soft eyes.

“Eat as many as you like. We’re going to leave you alone for a few minutes while I have a nice chat with these officers. But we’ll be back real soon, alright?”

Charlene nodded. She waited for all of them to disappear into the next room before gulping down two cookies in a row. She let out a deep sigh of relief now that she was alone again. Her tummy’s growling was appeased by the food she was eating. She had been hungry for a few days. Now she was thirsty. The lady forgot to give her a glass of milk. She missed her mommy and Cookie, her stuffed puppy that she always slept with. Daddy managed to take it away and threatened to throw it out.

That’s why mommy died, Charlene thought. She had asked mommy for Cookie back. When she went to get it, however, daddy got angry and repeatedly stabbed her before he turned on Charlene. Tears fell down her cheeks as she visualized the memory in her mind.

A startling, cracking noise sounded from the stairs. Charlene brought her knees up to cover her body and hid her face in between. She glanced up and saw three girls staring back at her. Charlene alternatively looked at them and the plate with the make one word: leftover cookies. She hastily took them and hid what she could in her dress. Two of the heads disappeared. The third one continued to examine her. Charlene turned her head away. She didn’t know what to do as her mind and heart raced. She heard whispers before the sound of footsteps going down the stairs.

Charlene hid her face behind her hands. She cautiously looked in between her opened fingers to see who came down. A tall and boyish looking girl approached her. Her dark brown and streaked hair rested on her shoulders. Her steel grey eyes sparkled with life and her skin was evenly tanned from playing in the sunlight. She wore longcomma baggycomma dark blue pants with a black t-shirt. She rep: walked in a determined and confident manner. Charlene closed her eyes and hoped she would go away. She was petrified and unable to move. The girl casually rep: walked toward the fridge, opened it and took out a carton of milk. She reached for a glass in the cupboard. As she returned to the table with both objects, she sat down to face Charlene.

“Don’t you want something to drink?” she asked.

Charlene timidly looked up and nodded her approval.

“If you tell me your name, I’ll give you a glass of milk. So what is it?” the girl asked.

“Charlene, my name is Charlene.” She avoided looking into her eyes and held her body with her arms. The sliding sound of the glass on the varnished, wood table got her attention. She looked up at the small glass cup of milk in front of her.

“Charlene, that’s a nice name. You can drink now since you told me your name. I’m Angie, in case you’re wondering. The other two, who should come down any minute now, will introduce themselves.” A thumping sound followed by arguing voices resonated from the stairs. Sooncomma two other girls appeared. Both were complete opposites of each other physically. The chubbier one strongly patted Angie’s shoulder in disagreement.

“Why d’you tell her we were here? We don’t know who she is and where she’s from,” the girl said. She had dark, blackcomma and curly hair with very light skin. Her eyes had a dark brown glow. <--glow is an unusual adjective to describe eyes. She looked a little bit scary to Charlene, but Angie didn't appear to be intimidated by her so Charlene silently observed. Angie smirked at the girl while pushing her hand away.

“This annoying dike is Janette, but we call her Jay. Jay, meet Charlene, the newest addition to our house. And the princess behind the ogre is Martine but we call her Mooky.” Jay mooed and was instantly slapped by Mooky. She had a delicate appearance with bright blue eyes and long blond hair. Charlene was charmed instantly and couldn’t help but smile. Angie noticed and quickly said something about Mooky.

“Yes, well, don’t get too close to the perfect princess, she’s contagious. Soon you’ll be part of her doll collection{b]period” Angie snickered at Mooky.

“Oh stop it Angie. You’re just jealous. You should be nice to Charlene.” Mooky crossed her arms and raised her nose in the air.

“I am nice to her. I gave her a glass of milk, didn’t I?” Angie looked at Charlene, who giggled, and winked. The three girls continued to argue and push each other around. They all seemed nice though. Mooky appeared to be the quietest of the group. She had a slender shape and was rather shorter than the other two. Her hair was attached into in a pony tail. She was very beautiful and even graceful in her movements. She had a really soft voice compared to the other two. Mooky resembled Charlene’s mom.

“So what happened to you, Charlene? You’re very dirty and red! Did you kill anyone?” Jay asked. Her voice was loud and deep. Angie elbowed Jay in the stomach. She let out a disapproving moan. All three of the girls looked at Charlene. They too had noticed she was dirty. Charlene didn’t know what to say.

“Do you want to take a bath? And remove the dirt off of you? You can’t go to sleep without cleaning yourself, right?” Angie said. She walked toward the bathroom followed by Jay. She turned around and gestured Charlene to follow her. Mooky approached Charlene and offered her hand.

“You wanna come and visit the bathroom with us?” Charlene took her hand in sign of acknowledgment and slowly got off the chair. Angie had already started to fill the bath tub with water. It was a very colorful bathroom with seashells and sandstones on the wall and floor. On the corner side, under a window, there was a wide and spacious bath tub. It also had a movable shower head. Angie watched Charlene’s engrossed look as she examined the bathroom. Mooky still held her hand and petted her oiled brown hair. Jay grinned and made weird jokes that no one paid attention to.

“Wanna check the temperature of the water, Charlene?” Mooky asked. Charlene pulled away with a bemused glare on her face. She had never taken a bath before. Mommy always washed her in the sink and always let the water run on her. Charlene remained quiet. She eyed the table in hopes of escaping. Mooky bent down to her height and looked into her eyes concerned.

“Are you ok? You want me to check the bath with you?” Charlene shook her head. She let go of her hand and backed away into Jay.. <-omit extra period

“What’s wrong? You’re scared of a bath? You’re a weird one!” Jay said. She pushed her ahead and sighed, annoyed. Charlene did not know what to do. She wanted to go home.

“You’re the weird one, Jay. Why don’t you go play with your safety pins instead of bullying a ten year old? You’re really immature.” Mooky said. She scowled at Jay.

How do they know she's ten? Why are they taking her for a bath if the woman in charge has not come back yet?

Jay stuck her tongue out at Mooky. She grabbed Charlene by the arm and tried to bring her close to the tub. Charlene shrieked and freed herself from Jay’s painful grab. She didn’t like to be forced to do things. Mooky took her defense, and now both were arguing. Angie, who had been observing, pulled on Charlene’s dress. She inserted her hand in the water and then wiped the water on Charlene’s arm. Angie smiled.

“How is it? Warm enough?” Angie asked. Charlene nodded. Then she whispered in Angie’s ear.

“Do I have to go in there?” Angie looked at her puzzled.

“You never took a bath before?” Both Mooky and Jay stopped fighting. They were suddenly attentive. Charlene shook her head.

“I’m scared. What if I drown?” Charlene asked. All three girls looked at each other surprised. They had never heard of this before. <--POV shift They all stood there silent. Angie stopped the water. She then looked at Charlene.

“Ok, you need to take your clothes off and then you sit in the tub. Then you take this cloth here and soak it into the water. Then you rub it against the soap and when you’re done, you rub the cloth on your skin so it removes the dirt...” Angie was interrupted by Charlene.

“Can you stay with me? Can you come into the bath with me?” Jay laughed but stopped when Angie gave her a mean look. She shook her head to Charlene.

“No you gotta do it on your own. I don’t take baths with other girls.” Charlene pouted and her eyes watered. Jay joyfully teased Angie.

“Angie doesn’t even swim or change in front of us. She’s a real prude.” Angie swung her hand at her but missed. Jay danced joyously at that victory. Mooky let out a sigh.

“I could go in with you, if you want. Show you what your body part will look like in two years,” Jay said. She chuckled and winked at Charlene in an odd manner.

“ENOUGH!” Angie yelled before she pushed both Mooky and Jay out of the bathroom. She locked the door and turned toward Charlene.

“I’ll stay here on the side of the tub but I won’t go in, ok.<-question mark Now take your clothes off.” Charlene smiled at her and lifted her dress up. She was stuck in it so Angie had to pull it up. Then she carefully put one foot in the tub. She looked at Angie. She handed offered her hand to help her in. The warm water cooled as she soaked her body. Angie grabbed the face cloth and lathered it with soap. She asked Charlene to get up. Angie took one of Charlene’s arms and rubbed the cloth on her arm. She explained at the same time what she was doing.

A slight pinkish/peachy skin color began to reveal itself underneath the blood stains. Charlene noticed how gentle Angie scrubbed her body. After she was done, Angie teased her by splashing water all over her. Charlene splashed Angie back and giggled. Then Angie went toward the cupboard and came back with a towel. As she wrapped the towel around Charlene’s body, Charlene gave a kiss on Angie’s cheek. Angie was startled but Charlene beamed.

“Thank you.” Charlene said before she hugged Angie, who froze up. The lady’s sudden banging on the door scared both girls. Angie turned red and stepped around unsure and hesitant. She pushed Charlene away and opened the door. Charlene didn’t understand what exactly was going on. She held onto her towel and remained quiet. The lady barged in, her eyes wide open and scanning every detail of the room. She examined Angie top to bottom before sighing. Her face softened and she smiled again. For the first time, Charlene noticed something odd about Angie. She spotted a lump in her pants. She wondered what that wascomma but the lady focused her attention toward Charlene. Angie disappeared.

“What happened, Charlene?” asked the lady.

“Angie helped me take a bath. I never took a bath beforecomma” Charlene said. She flashed a shy smile.

“She did! How nice of her. It was fun, right?” the lady asked. She walked to the cupboard and pulled out another towel.

“In a few days, we will go to the hairdresser to cut your haircomma” The lady said. She walked back and dried her damaged hair. Charlene’s chest warmed up, reassured.

“Where are Miss Janine and the police officers?” Charlene asked.

“They left,” The lady told her. Charlene held her breath. She realized she would be staying here and began to cry. The lady held her in her arms and tried to comfort her. That’s when Mooky popped her head in. She handed her a t-shirt she could wear to sleep. Seeing Mooky calmed Charlene down.

”Would you like to sleep in Mooky’s bed tonight? Tomorrow we will go find you a nice, new bed at the store,” the lady said. Charlene agreed. The lady sat Charlene on the table.

“Now, Charlene I will tell you about a few rules we have here. First of all I am called Mother or mom. You can also call me miss or ma’am if you feel more comfortable. Never call me by my name. I am an adult and it would be improper for you to be too familiar with me,” she informed. Charlene obediently listened.

“It’s getting late. We’ll talk more tomorrow. Mooky will take you upstairs, alright?” Mother said. She called out for Mooky and wished both girls good night. Mooky took Charlene by the hand and both went up the stairs. On the first floor, there was a small hallway with three doors. Mooky said that the one at the end leads to the attic. The door on the left was Angie’s room and the door on the right was both Mooky and Jay’s room. They entered the room. Jay was already in her bed on the other side of the room. It was a big room. Half of it belonged to Jay and the other half, closer to the window, belonged to Mooky. Mooky’s side had lighter colors like pink, beige and lavender. She had a lot of teddies and dolls.

Mooky lifted the light orange and fuchsia comforter and waved Charlene to get in the bed. Charlene went in, fidgeted under the covers and wished Mooky good night. She stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Charlene felt strange and out of place. She always slept under the bed when she could not keep her eyes open anymore. The room was now dark and quiet. At home, her father’s television played all night long. Most of the time, she heard him fighting with her mother. Now though, all sounds had vanished except for Jay’s snoring. Charlene was startled by creaking sounds of the house. Her eyes<--eyes don't grow alarmed, but she can grew more alarmed as she imagined dark creatures had awakened to hurt her. She tried to convince herself that it wasn’t real but it seemed like those sounds got louder or closer.

Charlene jumped over Mooky, who stood up, confused. Charlene fell on the floor and went under the bed. Mooky tried to ask her what was wrong, but Charlene would not speak. When Mooky tried to get her out, Charlene pushed her hand away and crawled deeper until she felt the wall.

“If you don’t come out, I have to tell mother,” Mooky sighed. Charlene didn’t budge one inch. Mooky lit the small lamp and walked down the stairs to get mother.

Charlene slid on the floor toward the outside. She looked on the bed and reached out to get her pillow. As she was about to bring it down, she heard the door swing open. She jumped and hid underneath. Charlene could see feet coming toward the bed. She held herself in a fetal position and prayed to the Virgin Mary like her mommy had thought her.

“The Virgin Mary is the protector of children. Pray to her and she will help you,” Charlene’s mommy used to say. Charlene closed her eyes and prayed for an angel to come and protect her. When Charlene opened them again, Angie’s face stared back at her. Angie took a pillow and crawled under the bed too. She gazed at Charlene in a calm and non-judgmental way before handing her the pillow. Charlene placed it on the floor on its long side. She then put her head onto it and put her thumb in her mouth. She stared at Angie, who leaned her head against the pillow just a few inches from Charlene’s face.

Charlene jumped when Angie kissed her forehead but the soothing warmth emanating from Angie’s arm began to calm her down. She got close to Angie and wrapped her arm around her. They both fell asleep underneath the bed. Mother, who came with Mooky, observed the scene with relief. She grabbed a blanket and tried to cover them as best as she could. She sighed.

“This is honestly the worse place to sleep, girls. I guess we’ll figure something out in the morning. Good night.” Mother kissed Angie’s hand and petted her hair. Then she turned toward Mooky, embraced and wished her goodnight. She retired to her room in the basement. The house became quiet again.

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