Erotica Harem

Review: Every Breath You Take

Setting: excellent detail of this woodland park, and detailed descriptions of characters. You're very good at this. I wish I could do it without three or four rewrites.

Characters: Jake, the nameless girl in the woods--a wood nymph, would be my guess, and the drug dealer

Jake, hooked on drugs, wallowing in a little self-pity, and basically rich and pathetic in his addiction

Nameless girl--beautiful, ethereal, great singing voice, compelling

Drug dealer---Typical drug dealing sleaze, wanting sex in exchange for drugs

Plot: jake is in the park, doing his drugs, when he hears beautiful singing and follows the sound to a gorgeous girl at a waterfall, who he makes lvoe to--he promises her forever but she is not there when he returns, day after day, finally he gives up. AFter a nasty dinner with his sister, he gets mroe drugs and is taken by his dealer who wants sex in exhange for the drugs to the same waterfall. They do the deed but he is soon confronted by the singer, who swears he has foresaken her for naother and brought his lover to their spot. Seh curses him that in sleep he will forget to breathe. The last thing he hears is her singing and ifnally understands the words. He never wakes again, at least that is the impression you leave us with. Well done in that regard,

Grammaticals: Other than a few instanaces of passive vocie that seemed to fit the story, I noticed nothing out of wack here.

that was where she sat----
She sat there---
Her voice was infused with music---
Music infused her voice---
Her hands and brush were still---
Her hands and brush stilled---
He was next to her
He stood next to her.

Comment: I have to admit, the idea of drug use was a little off putting but that is his character and the story would not work without it. In fact, it actually enhanced what happened to Jake and the things he experienced. Like your other story, this one sucked me in and I nearly forgot to review. I lvoe those kind of dark ednings a la Stephen King. I had to wonder at first if he was hallucinating, you hint at it with the drug use, and the end was superb. Leave me wondering if he ever woke up again or if the singer's curse really worked. Excellent piece, my friend. Well done.

Pat

http://www.freewebs.com/patricbrueni

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