Erotica Harem

Under review: Chapter two of Urden, God of Desire
Author: AnaBoo
Reviewer: Mathguy (Bill)

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I'm trying to catch up on my reviewing debts today...

General Impressions
This short chapter introduces another character and gives hints of the broader political background for the events of the story. This character, cloaked in mystery, is dark indeed.

Favorite Phrases
Once again, the visuals are wonderful. For example:


Characters
I really like this new character -- go figure. She's really dark and has hints of an inhuman evil. She's right down my alley.

Plot
Once again this advances the plot and reveals more about Alonwei at the same time, as well as introducing a wonderful new character. I would have liked to have more about the cyborg navigator -- both in terms of personality and physical description. What description you gave was pretty horrifying!

Setting
So, did the space ship have artificial gravity? This solves lots of technical problems about people floating about, explaining how they drink water and shower and so on. It seems worth mentioning in some offhand way. I think the spaceship itself could have been more fully realized. Is it a battleship, a corvette, a small two-person (well, two creature) craft? Is it armed? All of this would have helped understand the mission and character. You will likely reveal this later. However we now have three major settings and three sets of characters in the prologue and the first two chapters, so I think the more concrete the realizations are now the better.

Dialog
As with the earlier chapters, this is great, natural and believable. In particular, I believed that these weren't displaced Iowans, but really were from different cultures and planets with different ways of speaking and thinking.


My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

Well, I know this is fantasy, but I had some problem with believing in Melia as an alien. First, her anatomy is so close to human, right down the the sexual parts being the same, that this reminded me of the fakey "aliens" on Star Trek. Secondly, she is sexually aroused by humans, imagining them naked, &c. Now to be sure, there are well documented cases of humans being fixated sexually on animals, and I can well imagine that sentient creatures would make such fixation even more probable. But that is not how this is presented at all. Melia is so close to human, except for her eyes, that one wonders if she is a mutation instead of another species. If in fact this latter was your intention, then I'd be more direct about it right now in this chapter.

There's another whole set of new terms to learn in this chapter -- "Cossia" as a military rank, for example. I don't have a problem with that -- indeed, that is part of what makes the speech patterns believably different from contemporary US. However, I hope that the final version includes either a short (!) dictionary or a dramatis personae to help the hapless reader such as myself keep track of things.

I think I know what was going on with the general from EM-6, but I sense this is one of the more important pieces of information in this short chapter. It is also one of the most significant revelations about Melia, but it goes by lightning-fast. I wonder if making this a little longer and more explicit would be better? On the other hand, that might be just me, who always immediately gravitates to the gory bits.

I loved the last line in the chapter:

I can hardly wait! Will she tie him up first? Or maybe she'll use nice shiny chains? Oh, never mind. I'll find out in due course.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

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