Erotica Harem

Work Reviewed: Chapter One (I didn't see a title)
Author: Carol MacKenzie
Reviewer: Mathguy (Bill)

Hi, Carol. This is Bill, the MathGuy doing some reviewing today.

General Impressions
I love the opening paragraph -- sights and scents engaging the senses. In fact, I love the writing all through this chapter! This makes the scene come alive! This is a wonderfully written piece. The characters are lovingly drawn, the setting is filled with nostalgia and hope. I want to know more about Megan and her Mother's mysterious confession and, of course, Logan. This is really great storytelling.

Favorite Phrases
Throughout details of sight and sound and scent are blended into the narrative making it more real and vivid. Here's one example

In other spots, tiny little details like the one below are inserted.

Here's another

These set tone and atmosphere in such an elegant way!

Characters
I feel like I already know Megan well. Her image, perhaps I should say her fantasy, of Logan comes through clearly too, even though it is never explicitly spelled out. Her mother is deftly drawn as well. The other characters are individuals, although at this point not as fully developed.

Plot
We already have the main plot outlined, along with a mysterious subplot pertaining to Megan's mother. I can hardly wait to have the mystery revealed -- something tells me that a lot of the conflict in the story will revolve about this subplot.

Setting
I loved all of this. I have a couple of minor suggestions below, but overall this is magnificently done!

Dialog
The dialog was natural and wonderfully done too. I like that the characters not only speak with distinctive voices but that I can hear the midwestern twang of their accents.


My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I've already outed myself as an anti-adverb fetishist. I didn't find very many places I would object to here, although there were a few. One example:
Your text:
He paused thoughtfully and said, “
My Comment: This one is so easy to fix I would omit the "thoughtfully" and have him purse his lips, or frown, pause with the sheers, or some other nonverbal cue to show he is thinking.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:
This is Arcola, population 2,300.
My Comment: For the most part the dialog was great, but this didn't ring quite true.

Your text:
She wiped her dark skinned hands on a white terry towel and spread her arms wide and took Megan into her ams and gave her a firm, loving hug
My Comment: ...and it sounded like there were too many "and's" in this sentence...

Your text:
I’ll put this in my room
My Comment: Well, here's something to think about or discard. Doesn't every adult, when returning home, find "their" room changed in some jarring and unexpected fashion? It's part of the "you can't go home again" insight that Thomas Wolfe taught to us. This gives you another opportunity to show how, despite being the same, the world Megan has returned to is different in fundamental ways.

Your text:
“I’ve always wanted to be a Grandma. That’s not a good reason for you to find a man. The want has to be inside you.
My Comment: Seemed to me that there should be a "but" in here someplace. Maybe
But that’s not a good reason for you to find a man.

Your text:
she picked up a knife fork an spoon from one side of the table
My Comment: Typo ("and") and shouldn't there be a comma someplace here? Not, that I; can ever get the damned, things, in, the,,,,right, places,.,.


Your text:
They started playin another game
My Comment: "playing" ("g" omitted)


Your text:
The next morning Megan caught a one to a two second glimpse of Logan
My Comment: "one OR two"

There were a couple of typos -- "interupted" instead of "interrupted" and "magnificient" instead of magnificent.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

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