Erotica Harem

MY COMMENTS WILL BE ** RED:
MY SUGGESTIONS WILL BE BLUE
REPEATING WORDS WILL BE underlined and bolded

Title: "Invalid Item"  (The First Time)

Chapter: (Chapter: Prologue )

Author: shadowedheart

Plot: The last line here is very strong. It made pause and wonder whether she’s a little unstable, though. Is this your intention?

Style & Voice: Your voice is strong and vivid. I noticed the overuse of the word “had” and made mention of this below. Although it may not create a passive sentence, using too many can sound monotonous and it lends a passiveness to your voice.

Referencing: All good here.. Modern day, beach, bathing suits. To perhaps give even more detail to the memories, you could place the year when they’re on the beach and this coupling occurs. Just a suggestion, mind you.

Scene/Setting: The current day was described very well. Try to remember the three S’s of scenery: Sight, sound and smell. More could be added to the clubhouse they escape to. We had wonderful visuals, but what did it smell like. Although a small detail, it cements the scenes into a reader’s mind, making them feel like they’re there. I do have a question, however. If Rayne was older, who was using the clubhouse? Did the “boys” still use it as a make-out place?

Characters: We’re given great insight into Jaselyn, and as we should because we’re in her pov. I’m curious to meet Rayne, however. There were a few pov shifts that I pointed out, but nothing major.

Grammar: See below. We have some comma splices and overuse of words. Repeating words are difficult to catch ourselves. It always takes another set of eyes to see them more readily. Overall, this was a strong chapter.

Be careful of adverb use. this is *telling* instead of *showing*.

I also noticed some dialogue tag issues and marked them --there weren't many.

Try to do a search of the word “as”. I find that you are relying on them in scenes of movement / actions. "As" is used 47 times in this chapter.

Just a suggestion, but try to use more contractions (she'd, weren't, hasn't, etc.)

Just My Personal Opinion: Overall, you have a wonderful start here, Shadowheart. The ending made me pause and wonder, which is great. This only pushes me to read and find out more.


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Please remember that these are only my opinions.
Please use whatever you feel is right for you.


Jaselyn sat between her niece and nephew on the beach. The sandcastle in front of them continued to grow, (?) Is this adverb needed? was growing immensely, its moat was now full of water (period) Plastic green alligators floated in it, half of them belly-up. (?) and had with (?) plastic green alligators floating in it, half of which were belly-up. The “was” lends a passiveness. She grinned and ran her hand through Dylon’s golden spikes, wondering how he got them to stand so straight while they were still so soft.

His dark eyes snuck a quick peek at her before he grinned and dumped a pail of water in her lap. Giggling, she picked him up and ran towards the incoming waves. Stephy, her six year old niece, shrieked and chased behind Jase, demanding that she put her big brother down.

An hour later, after having played in the waves and winning two splashing contests, Jase shooed the kids up the beach into the house before she collapsed in her favorite hammock spread between two palms. She gazed up at the small cottage that sat at the edge of her property line. She wondered if he were was home?

Jase looked up into darkened windows of the house at the edge of her property. She wondered if Rayne were home. Repeating above.

They had grown up next door to each other. His mother and her mother were alcoholic beach bunnies. Both children had been fatherless, living with mothers who spent their days drinking and watching their kids play on the beach and their nights at the clubs.

Rayne was older than she. She Try to avoid having back-to-back words like this. would turn twenty this summer, while Rayne was already twenty two. As young children, the age difference had not mattered. They had built sandcastles together, swam, played hide and seek, and snuggled up together for their naps.

As Rayne had gotten got older, (?) older he had stopped coming to the beach to play with her. Suddenly, introductory adverb – a comma is needed his two years turned into twenty, and he was too big and too old to play with a baby. She was eight the last time he built her a castle. As she had gotten older, the castles had become a memory as her tanning lotion, headset, and beach towel had taken over. She spent her days alone on the beach, stretched out reading a book or listening to music. Every now and then Rayne would come down, (comma) and sit and talk to her. There are a lot of "had" words here. Although they may not create a passive sentence, words like “was” and “had” lends a passiveness to your voice nonetheless. I might suggest using contractions (She’d, he’d, etc.)

He had been the one who dried her tears when her first boyfriend broke up with her. He’d made her laugh by threatening to go “break the loser’s legs.” Yet, two years later, on her 16th birthday, he had paved the way to breaking her heart himself.

“Jase, I just wanted to come tell you happy birthday.” His voice had been sounded deeper than she remembered as he made his way down the beach toward her. (To me, the italics is bringing this memory to the forefront, giving the reader the knowledge that it’s happening now.

She sat on the alone I don’t understand “on the alone”--sorry as the sun set over the water, tears rolling down her face. Her mother had forgotten that it was her birthday. Instead, introductory start so a comma is needed (she’d)? she had met up with Rayne’s mother and her newest boyfriend and the trio had (?) gone club hopping. She’d left Jaselyn a twenty dollar bill and told her to order pizza.

When Jaselyn looked up at him with her tear-streaked (hyphen) face, (comma) he dropped into the sand beside her. She cried silently as he rubbed his thumb across her knee. She cried in silence (?)Try using adverbs before the verb

When her sobs finally subsided, (comma) he wrapped her in his arms and stared off into the darkness. His hand found her hair and weaved wove (?) itself into the auburn mass of curls.

Jaselyn She lifted herself from his shoulder and looked up into his face as he turned to her. With his fist in her hair he tilted her head back gently and laid his lips against hers. The heat of him seared her, (comma splice) either end the sentence or place an “and” it was the first time she had been kissed that way. When his tongue brushed her lower lip, (comma) she jumped. He chuckled at her response, making her feel silly, until she opened her lips to him.

Fire enveloped her, shooting through her like a disease. “disease” doesn’t sound very romantic Her skin tingled where it met his. She complied as he laid her back against the sand, his lower body spread out next to hers while his chest pressed against hers and his mouth fed her a first taste of heaven. repeating

Boldness took hold of Jaselyn her (There are only two characters in this scene, so try not to repeat their names to often. The reader can infer who is who) and she wrapped her arms around his neck, hoping that he wouldn’t stop kissing her. She shivered as the soft pads of his fingers trailed their way down her throat. Her heart raced as he skimmed over the thin material that covered her small breasts. “Take it off,” (comma) he whispered against her lips.

She hesitated before pushing herself up on her elbows and fumbling one-handed (hyphen) with her bikini top. She felt clumsy and nervous as he reached around her and clicked the clasp open. She closed her eyes as his lips left hers and traced the angle of her jaw, the curve of her throat, the tender skin between the mounds of pink flesh she knew he was after.

When his tongue flicked against one rosy nipple, (comma) she arched into him and whimpered. (?) as she whimpered. She fought the feeling of restlessness that tried to drag her into a cesspool of unknown feelings. She bit her lip and dug her hands into the sand beside her.

She watched at Rayne's tongue danced along her skin, a cool trail of moisture and breeze heightening her senses as he dipped into her belly button. The palm of his hand cupped her private place, the a (?) place no one else had ever touched before (period) and she stilled beneath him.

When his eyes rose to her face, (comma) she met them. She could have melted under them, the way they had turned shadowy took her breath away. "Don't be afraid. I won't go any further than you want me to."

As she pushed her fear aside, Jase she nodded at him and allowed him to break the eye contact. She gazed at him, his head laying on her stomach while he gently traced her lips through the bikini bottoms. How did he trace this. His fingers?

Suddenly, Rayne raised up and looked at her. He said nothing, just looked and her heart stopped. She knew he was going to stop. Knew it, and hated it. He did. (With him rising to his feet, this action tells the reader he stopped without having to be told) He rose to his feet and held out a hand to her. She reached for her bikini top, but he was faster and tucked it into the back pocket of his Levi's before holding his hand back out to her.

Jaselyn knew her cheeks were flaming. Rayne was getting in a lot of firsts here. Even though the sun no longer peeked over the ocean, she had no doubt that Rayne he could see her clearly. Curiosity pushed at her as she looked at the bronzed hand reaching out to her. She met his eyes as she placed her hand (repeating) palm (?) in his and watched it disappear as he closed his fingers around it.

As Rayne he pulled her to her feet and into a run across the sand, Jaselyn giggled. There had been many odd moments in the last few years (no comma) as she had gotten older and began to fill out, (comma splice) end the sentence. Rayne had often looked at her in a way that made her blush. Now running across the beach, she understood why.

They ran for what seemed like forever, fingers laced together. When Rayne he finally stopped, Jase was out of breath. She looked up and laughed, the tinkle of her voice echoing through the air. They stood outside (?) The old clubhouse.

Rayne had build built the clubhouse with some of his boyhood friends. They had refused to let Jaselyn inside, no matter how much she begged and cried. Yet here they stood. "Do I finally get to go in?"

Rayne didn't answer her and she grinned to herself as he stepped into the pristine little hut. It looked like a miniature log cabin. She followed. Her breath caught in her throat and a hysterical laugh threatened to make itself heard. A feather mattress lay on the floor in one corner. GI-Joe covered the bed and the pillows alike. Four lawn chairs sat around a beautiful handmade table. Pictures of supermodels lined the walls.

She was so engrossed in looking around the clubhouse that she didn't notice Rayne disrobing in the corner. Nor did she notice when he crept up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. In one swift move, (comma) she found herself flat on her back on the mattress with Rayne looking down at her.

His skin rubbed hers and she realized that he no longer wore the Levi's that he had worn earlier. The thought frightened her. This was no longer playtime. (one word) It wasn't two teenagers just making out on the beach any longer.

The humor left her as she realized that he looked hungry. But it was a different hungry than she had ever seen before. He looked like he wanted to eat her. The thought made her blood heat in her veins.

Jaselyn She sighed as his lips came down on hers. The gentle warmth eased most of her fear as he settled himself between her thighs. She was felt (?) relieved that he had not taken her bikini bottoms off yet. She wanted to get used to the feeling of him against her this way.

She gasped when he pushed his hips against her and she felt his hardness. Fear took over and her body tensed beneath him. She closed her eyes when he raised himself off of her and looked into her face. She imagined that he was disgusted with her and pressed her eyes shut tighter.

She felt his chest rumble with his laughter. She peeked at him from one eye to see his head tilted back and his lips peeled away from his perfect white teeth in obvious amusement. She felt small, (comma splice) didn't want to be the center of his joke. Not Without (?) thinking twice, (comma) she arched into him and ground herself (Perhaps give the body part here for better clarity. What did she “grind” into him?) against the solid part of him.

She almost laughed back at him as he growled at her before reaching down between them and adjusting himself so that he lay against her nether lips, (comma) rocking (?) before he rocked against her. The laughter in her instantly (is this adverb needed? dwindled to a gasp (?) died instantly as his cock rubbed her clit through the material. Her eyes widened in surprise as a current of arousal shot through her body.

Her stomach suddenly felt like it had butterflies in it. Her head spun. (?) was spinning. The more he rubbed against her, the stronger the sensations got. She began to move with him, timing her rhythm to offset his just enough to send shivers down his her (we can’t know what he’s feeling because we’re in J’s pov) spine. Her fear was forgotten.

Jaselyn's heart pounded as Rayne he rolled to the side enough to slide both his hands down her sides and hook his thumbs into the sides of her bottoms. He slowly raised her legs to ease the barrier off of her. repeating

She reminded herself that she had nothing to be afraid of, (comma splice) this was Rayne and he would never hurt her. When his hand went to his mouth and he spit on it, she looked at him in surprise. She almost asked him what he was doing, but before she had the chance, he had run ran his hand over his penis and just as quickly as he had stopped, replacing himself… (?) he replaced himself between her legs (period) He began to rock… (?) and began rocking against her again.

The feeling was amazing. She held back a moan as her toes started to tingle and she had the sudden urge to spread her legs further apart. (period) (?) apart even further. She cried out as a sudden rush of juice escaped her and her body spasmed into a set of quivers like she had she’d never felt (?) never had before.

She smiled as when (?) Rayne stopped moving against her and raided her mouth with his tongue. She felt him swelling more against her as his finger waded through the wetness and eased into her. She met his eyes as he pushed inside her and pulled back out. She didn't think he would ever be able to fit his dick in there, even a finger almost hurt.

Jaselyn's hips moved of their own accord, rising to meet his finger after he had coaxed her to relax a bit. She felt goose bumps rising over her skin as he feathered his way down her body with small lingering kisses until his mouth hovered over the small nub of her sex. This is erotica and purple prose is frowned upon.

The wetness of his tongue against her clit (?) clitoris nearly brought her off the mattress, but when he gently suckled her into his mouth, teasing her with his tongue and dipping into her with his finger at the same time, she couldn't hold back the moan that built in her throat. She cried his name as another orgasm rocked her body.

Caught in the throes of ecstasy, (comma) she didn't imm ediately Is this adverb needed? notice when he replaced one finger with two to bring her to yet another peak. Jaselyn She raised her head and watched as his tongue darted out to catch the drops of her that escaped. She knew he wasn't penetrating her very far, but she could feel him moving inside her, and she wanted more.

She reached down to him, (period) wrapping her hands around his upper arms, (comma) she tugged on him until he met her gaze. "Now."

He could not have looked happier as he rose above her. She wondered what he was doing when (?) as he grabbed a pillow and lifted her ass off the mattress. She watched as he put the pillow under her hips and felt an sudden onslaught of fear as she glanced between them to see him adjusting himself at her entrance. With gentle hands, he spread her legs open wider. Try to alleviate some of the ”as” words

Anxiety began to eat at her when he laid himself over her and gently (?) kissed her gently. "It's going to hurt. I can't stop that." He kissed her again, and she braced herself for the pain.

With one hard drive into her, Rayne broke through the barrier and she cried out. The pain was sharp, and sudden, and brought tears to her eyes. She took a deep breath, and tried to relax as he started moving slowly (Is this adverb needed? You explain what he’s doing the next sentence--his actions depict that he's moving slowly) inside her, pulling out only a little, and pushing himself back in. She stared at his face, never breaking the eye contact he had he’d made with her, as he set his pace.

Jaselyn smiled up at him as the pain wore off, (comma) replaced by (?) and was replaced by a fluttering in her muscles. The need to meet his thrusts beat at her in frantic waves until… (?) was frantically beating at her until she obliged and lifted her hips to meet him. He smiled back at her and laid a tender kiss on the tip of her nose before he extricated himself from her.

She wiggled towards him, put her hands on his backside and tried to force him back into her, but he just grinned at her. Without any warning, (comma) he lunged into her, filling and stretching her. She screamed his name as when (?) she orgasmed, her muscles tightening around him, pulling him deeper into the warm silkiness.

He didn't stop. She flew into oblivion as he controlled her body with his. She tilted her hips up to him, giving him access he hadn't expected (How does she know this? A slight pov shift) and watched as his body trembled, (comma) and his face transformed into one of pure satisfaction. She felt the warmth of his release as his body settled onto hers.

She buried her face in his neck, inhaling the scent of him. "Thank you." Her whisper was lost as he raised up on one arm and looked down at her. His eyes sparkled as he leaned down to kiss her, his lips hot against hers. Try to do a search and destroy of the “as” words. they are repeated in the actions and it’s lending a monotonous tone to your voice

Jaselyn sighed as he pushed himself off her, and watched his muscles ripple beneath the tanned skin as he reached for his clothes. He grinned at her. (period) "Now, you are mine." He put his shirt on, "You will always be mine."

Jaselyn blinked as the memory faded. Darkness had fallen around her. She was wet, her body tingling and alive. He had promised that she would always be his, but his promise oath (?) had never been. Within days of losing her virginity to him, he had he’d distanced himself from her. She had been angry when he wouldn't return her phone calls, and she had she'd (?) cried when he told her he couldn't be with her.

But she was still his. Now it was time that he realized it.

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