Erotica Harem

Reviewed: Chapter One, "Dream Lover" of "Ms. Porn Star"
Author: Pat
Reviewer: Mathguy (Bill)

Hi, Pat. This is Bill, the MathGuy returning the favor of your review.

General Impressions
The characters were strong, the visuals were vivid. I can especially picture the dream lover, see his body, feel his strength. The little back story at the beginning helped to explain why Cass was so ready for a pickup.

Favorite Phrases
Lots to choose from here. The prose seemed to get stronger and more vivid throughout the piece.

This is wonderful, creative, staging by putting your characters in motion:


Characters
The lover seemed a little long on the physical and short on personality, although the reason became obvious. I understood what was going on with Cass, but would have liked to see a little more of her inner thoughts.

Plot
I liked the way this drove to the end, but then the fact that it was a dream was jarring, even though I should have guessed from the title. I'll say more about that in a moment.

Setting
The bar and the trailer were described just enough to establish setting without being intrusive.

Dialog
Short and to the point. Each character speaks with a distinctive voice.


My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I liked this opening chapter a lot. The action was vivid and compelling, as were the characters and the setting. It certainly made me want to know more about Cass and what will happen with her Dream Lover. I have some suggestions at the edges about improvement which you should take or throw away at your discretion.

I have two major suggestions for this piece.

The first has to do with the ending to the chapter, in which it is revealed everything was a dream. I didn't think that was sufficiently foreshadowed. Perhaps if she had gone home after her horrible day, fixed a drink, and fell asleep watching some vapid TV show -- maybe Cheers, since it is set in a bar and has a semi-romantic plot line. Then you could have her "wake up" and follow through with the rest of the story. Then we actually see her asleep and I think it would be less jarring that this turns out to be dream. This would also more clearly delineate that it was the bar and love sequences that were a dream, rather than the whole thing.

Secondly -- I'm hesitant to mention this -- it seemed to me that there was an over-reliance on adverbs. I'm kind of a fetishist about not using adverbs. Well, I'm a fetishist about other things too, but those are more fun and are another story.

In your opening two sentences you used at least four adverbs.

I think all the adverbs greatly slow down the pace and put the reader in a passive rather than active mode. The "extremely" doesn't really add anything to "lousy." If you want to make "lousy" stronger, then have her cuss about it. Rather than say she is "immensely glad" it finally ended (oops, finally makes that five adverbs) maybe have her heave a heavy sigh that the was at last over. Similarly for "prominently" and "clearly" I'd recommend changing the phrasing to be more active. I think this is especially important in these lead sentences which should grab the reader by his/her throat and compel them to read on.

This is most notable just in these introductory paragraphs. I find that these are usually the most difficult to write and I often have to throw away my first efforts...speaking ex cathedra from my vast nine-months of unpublished writing experience.

I had one other thing I was wondering about, in terms of character. Clearly all of these awful things happened to Cass that day. She carefully prepares, makes her way to the bar, deliberately dressed in her man-catching outfit. She must be there to find some validation of her personal worth. Indeed, she was resolved to jump into bed with the first attractive thing that came along. I think it might have been better, even though she is dreaming, to give more explication of what is going on with her emotionally.

Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:
she walked unsteadily in her heels
My Comment: I would have said "wobbled" or some such. See comments elsewhere about adverbs.

Your text:
He certainly sent the blood boiling in her veins and her heart pounded.
My Comment: For symmetry and rhythm you might consider "pounding" instead of "pounded."

Your text:
Shocked made her pussy wetter, hotter, than it had ever been. H
My Comment: I think there must be a word left out here?

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

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